My best friend is 19 years older than me but pretends we are the same age

[FizzAfterSix]

One of my closest friends is 19 years older than me – I’m 57 and she’s 74. She’s incredibly fit and lively and the age difference isn’t of any importance. Most of my friends are older than me anyway.

Like quite a few women of her generation she is very secretive about her age and she point blank refuses to let anyone know, which is fine, entirely up to her. However, I know her age as her date of birth comes up when I google her address when I want to send her something.

I think it’s sad that in this day and age women feel their age is something they have to keep hidden. If you are `good for your age’ why not be out and proud and surprise people so that they no longer hold on to antiquated ideas about what a 70 plus person looks and behaves like.
But saying that, it’s up to the individual if they want to reveal their age or not.

The only irritating thing is that she doesn’t know I know her age. Often she will say something like, “at our age”, recently she teased me about being an old woman… I felt like saying, speak for yourself, luv! 19 years is really quite a big age difference and physically is noticeable, so I’m not sure why she insists on this pretence of us being the same age. Perhaps she thinks I will see her as less of a friend given the age difference. I know age is just a number’ but given that it is just a number’ why keep it secret as if it is some kind of crime.

She is such a wonderful person and very well-balanced and sensible, which makes the sensitivity and secrecy about her age all the more surprising. I just hope that one day when she comes out with another `at our age’ I don’t blurt out, ‘but we’re not the same age! I’m 19 years younger than you!’ but I would hate to cause offence.

Would like to hear from anyone who keeps their age a secret and why they do this. I guess ageism is still a big problem in our society which is utterly ridiculous.

Ooh, this bugs me too! I have a friend who claims to be the same age as me but I’m just not having it at all. I’d reckon she’s at least 10 years older but I guess she thinks “who’s to know”? It’s just a bit embarrassing tbh as she’s fooling no one!

Next time your friend makes a comment like that I’d say “hey you cheeky mare, you’re quite a bit older than me!” And if she’s acts confused just admit how you know “oh, you know when I had to google your address your dob came up too”! I think pretending to be 19 years younger is a bit rich!

I worked with and was friends with someone who was born 8 months after my mum but would refer to 'our generation'. I was in my mid thirties when we worked together with infant age children where hers were going to uni and early 20s so not sure how she could think we were the same generation at all.

You sound to me as if you enjoy being so much younger, and are irritated that she doesn’t acknowledge something you consider an advantage.

Does she actually specifically say ‘Oh, we’re both so old now we’re 57!’? Because otherwise isn't it possible that she considers you 74 as well, because you behave/look like a 74 year old in her eyes?

@ShesGotBetteDavisEyes I have a friend who is 12 years younger and I feel I'm pretty much a different generation, I find myself coming over all at your age'... because even though we say age is just a number', it is and it isn't... but it does mean something, having more experience and the rest of it.

I'm afraid these days lying about one's age is bound to end in failure as many people's ages are online, especially if you have ever been a company director.

Why would you care that she wants to pretend to be the same age as you if you are such good friends and she is a really nice person? It wouldn’t bother me at all, I would just agree and let her get on with it.

If she isn’t hurting anyone with lying about her age why does it matter?

Your update sounds as if you think people should behave in certain specific ways with younger people. Maybe your older friend didn’t get the memo?

Does it matter really? You seem to be the one fixated with age and how shes so much older than you and she should just tell people her age. Im a lot younger than both of you and never discuss my age unless specifically asked how old are you. If she feels and wants to act younger good for her. It really isnt an issue in the scheme of things. And im 28 with a close friend who is 60 and age never comes up unless he talks about gigs he went to in his twenties.

I had a women of 61 regularly say things
like “when you get to OUR age” nudging me and “women of a certain age like US”.

I was 29.

Maybe one day I will understand it. I get it’s annoying but I just used to overlook it and get paranoid that I looked really old in my twenties.

Eh, if she’s 74 and you are 57, then surely the age gap is 17 years, not 19 years?
I have a lot of friends much older than me from a yoga class we attend. Sometimes they forget I’m from the same generation as their children. It doesn’t really bother me though.

Concealing a 19 year age gap is pretty involved stuff. Presumably she can’t ever talk about her childhood or young adulthood in anything but the vaguest terms.

My auntie has been stuck at some point in her mid 30s for 25 years but she doesn’t actually lie about her age, just maintains the fashion and cultural interests of a much younger person. She probably would consider herself to be of a different generation. It’s like she just doesn’t identify as a 60 year old.

I think it bothers me because it’s disingenuous - it makes me think that person is insecure and maybe a bit shallow and I find that off-putting. Also I would think they’d have to be constantly wary of not putting their foot in it during conversations which could create a less-than-genuine friendship.
On the other side of it I also have a friend who is 38 to my 40 and I’ve noticed her making a few catty comments referring to how much older I am than her! She’s started recently dressing very “young” for her age - very short skirts etc and I wonder if she’s struggling with nearing 40 and is in denial. Nobody likes getting older but I’d never lie about my age - I embrace how much more confident I feel as I get older. I know I look good for my age and I don’t give a stuff about pretending to be younger!

@Samhradh, no she doesn't think I'm 74 as I'm quite open about my age. I mean I don't talk about it incessantly but neither do I lie about it. Physically I'm young in that I don't have any grey hair yet and am athletic but was `born old', lol, hence enjoying being around older people.

I do have some younger friends but I'm aware of the difference - even if you are fit and well, there is such a difference in cultural references for starters. I'm always acknowledge that I don't think I'm their age and laugh about them being so much better at technology etc.

I was asked out by a man in his late 30's (I guess he was looking for a cougar) but I was very clear to tell him I was 57 and old enough to be his mother. Better that than shaving a few years off and saying I was 45 or something. Would just rather be honest about it all.

Are you sure it’s her DOB that comes up?

Because googling certain details about myself leads to a porn actress (for the avoidance of doubt I am not).

Well, if you’re ‘born old’, maybe she tends to forget you’re younger, and that makes you cross because you feel she shouldn’t? I’m 47 and don’t get maternal and cluck about ‘at your age’ if I hang about with my cousins, who are 30 and 32. Nor do I notice any entrenched differences in abilities with tech.

It's a bit strange but what I find even stranger, is that you didn't simply point out that Google says she's 74?

It might be wrong anyway.

My best friend is much younger than me. I don't think about it because it just doesn't factor into our friendship at all. We have pretty much everything else in common.

I don't think my not bringing up my age constantly means I'm pretending not to be how old I am, though. My mental picture of myself doesn't match my chronological age, and I think that applies to most people of my vintage. It's not pretence. It's just good to do things with someone who fits with our mental age and not the haggard old face that we see in the mirror. So yes, maybe I do unconsciously imply that we're of a similar age occasionally. I'm not aware that I do, but it's not impossible.

(My friend knows how old I am though)

I’d say that someone ‘our age’ would be an ‘older’ woman, ie after child bearing age, still pretty active, so not in a home or having meals on wheels delivered etc.

She probably still sees herself as being younger - I still like to think I’m the same person as I was in my late 30s, when I’m actually mid 40s, so if I was talking to someone with school aged kids I’d talk about ‘our age’ being mums of school age kids, even though that could be anyone from late 20s to early 50s.

My DP will refer to someone as being “about your age” when describing someone - he’s even said “your generation” to me. He’s 4 years younger than me, the cheeky bastard. Some people are just more aware of the number and others maybe see it more in terms of attitude or life stages.

As much as you keep repeating ‘age doesn’t matter’ it really does seem to matter to you.

I have friends from work who are a good deal older than me and nearer to my mom’s age. Some have children that are older than me! We talk about juniors getting younger and younger, and how old we feel, when really I was probably that baby faced junior to them not so long ago! But we all just get on with things as friends and our actual age doesn’t really come up.

@GeePipe I wouldn't say I'm fixated' over it. It's just that it would be easier to not discuss age at all rather than maintain the at our age' fandango. And it does lead to a certain amount of obfuscation about past events and cultural reference points, music - even not wanting to discuss Chinese astrology as this would involve giving a date of birth.
It really doesn't matter in the scheme of things it is just a bit odd these days when people are more open.

Sensitivity about age does stem from an older generation where women were judged far more harshly today about ageing (although it is still bad). My grandmother would never divulge her age and it stems from the belief that you should never ask a lady her age. Not saying you should ask, but it's the concealment that baffles me.

I have a friend that told me she was 3 years younger than what she actually was. I found her date of birth on companies house. I couldn’t understand why she’d lie. But I am about 14 years younger than her. Perhaps I’d feel different when I’m older. To be honest I feel so old already!

My aunt lied to her son-in-law that my mum was her older sister (she's 10 years older and looks it). He met my mum one day and mentioned how young she looked, he would have definitely mistaken her for the younger sister, my mum chuckled and said she was the younger sister. Aunt pulls this crap all the time and even had her younger children believing she was the youngest out of her four siblings when she is the oldest. It's beyond pathetic and embarrassing

Agree that she feels younger - in her eyes, she could pass for your age.

My grandmother is 81 and in good health, but suffers from arthritis, struggles to walk long distances, etc, as many people her age do. But she won't use a walking stick or any other such aids because she feels too young for them - in her mind, she's in her 50s or 60s. She lives in a retirement apartment and complains about all the "old people" - most of whom are actually younger than her. If anyone ever makes a reference to her age or uses factual terms like "elderly" or "pensioner", she's outraged. Just the way some people are!

Maybe it isn’t as much vanity as it is a fear of death?

She can pretend she’s younger and death is further away- and that’s nicer than the truth.

It’s just something she’s insecure about.

I may be in a minority but I don't even think about my age. Last time I went through bank security and they asked me how old I was, I couldn't say off the top of my head, I could only tell them my date of birth. I also have a close friend who is 15 years younger than me. When we are together, I don't ever think about the age difference between us, we are just 2 friends having a good time. I'm in my 50s by the way.