My best friend is 19 years older than me but pretends we are the same age

[FizzAfterSix]

One of my closest friends is 19 years older than me – I’m 57 and she’s 74. She’s incredibly fit and lively and the age difference isn’t of any importance. Most of my friends are older than me anyway.

Like quite a few women of her generation she is very secretive about her age and she point blank refuses to let anyone know, which is fine, entirely up to her. However, I know her age as her date of birth comes up when I google her address when I want to send her something.

I think it’s sad that in this day and age women feel their age is something they have to keep hidden. If you are `good for your age’ why not be out and proud and surprise people so that they no longer hold on to antiquated ideas about what a 70 plus person looks and behaves like.
But saying that, it’s up to the individual if they want to reveal their age or not.

The only irritating thing is that she doesn’t know I know her age. Often she will say something like, “at our age”, recently she teased me about being an old woman… I felt like saying, speak for yourself, luv! 19 years is really quite a big age difference and physically is noticeable, so I’m not sure why she insists on this pretence of us being the same age. Perhaps she thinks I will see her as less of a friend given the age difference. I know age is just a number’ but given that it is just a number’ why keep it secret as if it is some kind of crime.

She is such a wonderful person and very well-balanced and sensible, which makes the sensitivity and secrecy about her age all the more surprising. I just hope that one day when she comes out with another `at our age’ I don’t blurt out, ‘but we’re not the same age! I’m 19 years younger than you!’ but I would hate to cause offence.

Would like to hear from anyone who keeps their age a secret and why they do this. I guess ageism is still a big problem in our society which is utterly ridiculous.

Doesn’t massively matter but the ages and and gap doesn’t match up. 57 plus 19 isn’t 74.

Can't you just mention your age casually one day? Maybe say something like 'I can't believe I'm going to be 60 in 2 and whatever years time! Did you do something special for your 60th.....? What about your 70th?' I can't believe this has never come up to be naturally to be honest. Just say something it'll be fine!

Just because she talks about 'at our age' doesn't mean she is pretending to be your age! Yesterday I had colleague 1 accuse colleague 2 of being ageist against people 'our age', referring to me and him. He's 25 and I'm 45 - no way he really thinks I'm nearer his age than colleague 2 who is 21!

Though could be habit - an aunt has pretended to be 10 years older than she is since getting pregnant at 14, but decided to give up once she hit 60 (so her '70th' party was her second 60th party...)

She might not be very aware of her age. I am mid-forties and several of my closest friends are mid-thirties. Obviously I know what age I am, but I feel like I am just a bit older than them, say late thirties. Sometimes it worries me that they must see me as some pathetic older person who is pretending to be young, but most of the time I don't even think about. I can relate to how your friend would forget about the age difference and feel like you are the same age.

I’m sorry OP, but I would count you both as the same generation and generalise you both as “your age” as well.

I also think it’s very unlikely that you needed to Google her and accidentally came across her date of birth whilst looking for her address.

Just wait til her next birthdays and get her a "happy 75th" card. Job done.

How does her date of birth come up when you google her? Is she famous?

If she keeps herself fit and healthy it’s possible she hasn’t met people like her who are in their 70s. Despite advances in healthcare the number of older people who are active and mobile past 64 is fairly low. A lot of the active elderly hang out with much younger people.

‘At our age’ means women past child-bearing. Older women. The ones who are invisible. Anyone past 50 for sure. In collective terms, she hasn’t yet reached the ‘elderly’ stage. Neither have you. It’s a blunt instrument, but yeah, you are both the same ‘age’. So am I.

It’s equally possible that a 60yo WILL have reached the ‘elderly’ stage. My mum did. About 15 years earlier than MIL.

Firstly, you say isn’t important but then make an entire thread about how it annoys you she’s lying about her age. Who cares? You know her real age, if it gives her some pleasure to pretend to be younger just let her be fgs. Many people dye their hair but I don’t feel the need to insist they tell people their natural hair colour if others don’t realise it’s hair dye.

Secondly, you act like it’s shocking women are focused on age? Are you kidding? Our western society tells us constantly that women over 40 aren’t “desirable”. Adverts are full of women under 30, films rarely if ever feature women over 60 as the lead and they’d never pair them with younger men like they do with older male actors. When male celebrities get older they get described as distinguished and handsome. Women get mocked for having cosmetic procedures and accused of letting themselves go when they don’t. It’s ludicrous to suggest women are not affected by our obsession with youth.

74-57 is 17 not 19. Not that much difference after all!

But hasn't she been retired for several years and aren't you still working? Surely she can't fool herself that you're the same age.

Is she Blanche Dubois?

Blimey that’s harsh wintercat so basically all the over 50’s are just one homogeneous mass? To be fair to you though that’s how anyone over the age of 50 is portrayed, it’s always “if you are aged 50-80 apply for our funeral plan and get a free pen”.

One of my BFFs is around 20 years younger than me. We are pretty much 'ageless' to each other so it surprises us when someone else notices the age difference and asks if I'm her mother.

Why does it bother you so much?

Oh, and FWIW I don't consider her and I to be 'the same age'.

It does sound brutally harsh BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo which really wasn’t my intention. No, all the over 50s, I don’t categorise as one mass, homogeneous or otherwise. It’s because for me (including siblings and friends) the OP and her friend are of the age range of our parents so I view them as the same generation. I’d also view 75/80 and above as the generation above.

I'm also curious as to how her date of birth comes up when you google her address!

Haven't RTFT I am sorry.

But I have been guilty of this . . . I had DC late and tend to compare myself in age terms with people who have DC of the same age, although they may be older (or even younger!) than me.

Eg I felt surprised when a friend said i was " almost like an older sister" to her. I mean, she is nearly 10 years younger than me but her DC are older than mine and her life is much more together. I guess I thought that as we were friends my age was irrelevant ha ha!!

But if, because of this, I often feel the need to menrion, "well of course I am a lot older than you," I have been asked "why do you keep going on about how old you are? "

Looks like your are correct Wintercat have just looked up generation dates and the OP is classed as the same generation as her friend, both are Boomers, though the friend would be classed the oldest of her generation and OP the youngest. Generation is a weird concept really as I think the life experiences of a 57 and a 74 year old would be vastly different 1946 to OP’s 1963.

I’m 40 and I work with a 60yo, a 30yo and a bunch of 18-20 somethings. Depending on the topic of conversation I side my age/generation/whatever with the 60/30yo interchangeably. I dont think I’d say ‘at our age’ but I certainly have lumped us in together at times. I have lots in common with both women in ways that I really don’t have with the girls.

My best friend is 10 years older than me but I’d put us in the same cohort because we have the same age children.