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Original poster

Husband has let me down is this the finale straw?

30 replies

Honestwoman · 09/02/2020 20:50

So my grandfather that I’m really close to has not been well for over a year. He fought lung cancer last year has kidney problems etc. He recently had an X-ray that shows a mass on his lungs. My mom called me at 10pm on Friday night to tell me my Grampa was terminal. I am away at work I won’t be home again for another week. I messaged my husband to say call my mom re update about Grampa I can’t talk right now. Then he messaged me saying I already know babe!!! Well that made me angry how could he not call me earlier to tell me? Saying things like ur mom wanted to tell u. He’s always told me before other important things so I tell him this. He told me it wasn’t his place to tell me! What kind of a marriage do I have? I feel so hurt right now we haven’t spoken in 2 days. I am already wondering where is my marriage going cause I’m already not happy and I keep thinking when is enough enough?

OP posts:
Elbeagle · 09/02/2020 20:52

Well... did your mum want to tell you? If so I can see why he felt it wasn’t his place.
Sorry about your grandfather Flowers

BritneyPeedOnALadybug · 09/02/2020 20:56

Hmmm, I’m not sure. It sounds like you have other things that may be causing problems in your marriage but if your mother did want to tell you herself, this might not be the “final straw” (even though in your eyes, it is). If you’re not happy in your marriage generally then you might want to start making moves as to ending it if it can’t be worked upon

bigchris · 09/02/2020 21:01

I think you're feeling sad and over reacting unless there's a massive back story

Flowers
Original poster
Honestwoman · 09/02/2020 21:01

She did tell me 10 hrs later. But any other time he would tell me things that I really needed to know like my eldest started self harming etc and to me my grandfather is a huge part of my life and he chose not to give me a heads up and it’s his wording of it wasn’t my place to say anything I just don’t get it😰

OP posts:
FemiLANGul · 09/02/2020 21:03

On it's own, your husbands actions and explanations are totally reasonable.

I think maybe your upset at your grandad has amplified your already existing unhappiness with your husband causing this reaction.

Flowers
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/02/2020 21:04

I’m so sorry about your grandad... but if fiancés parents had told me that someone important to my fiancé was dying but they wanted to tell him, I’d let them. Out of love for him & them, because it’s their family.

Elbeagle · 09/02/2020 21:06

If your mum has said to him ‘let me tell Honest and he’d gone against her wishes, how would you feel?

BritneyPeedOnALadybug · 09/02/2020 21:11

(Sorry, but) It sounds like you’ve reached the end of your tether with him and this is something that can be added to The List, but if your mother insisted that she wanted to be the one to tell you then I don’t see wrongdoing on his part in this scenario.

He told you about your daughter because you (presumably) both look after her. Your parents still look after you because you are their child and if your husband was told by your mother specifically not to mention it to you, then I can sort of see why he did what he did. I would have personally asked your mother to let you know ASAP, if I was in the same situation, so I could help and comfort you however I could.

It isn’t the time or place really and I’m sorry if it upsets you but if one of his parents told you something, OP, and told you explicitly not to mention it and they would mention it when they felt the time was right, would you leave it up to them or would you reveal it to him?

gobbynorthernbird · 09/02/2020 21:12

I think he was in a bit of a no win situation. And he's done as he was asked by your mum, which is OK.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 09/02/2020 21:14

Sounds like there's a huge backstory to how you're feeling.

Your DH told you about your eldest self-harming because they are your child and your DH's child. The relationship is equal between DH and your child and you and your child, and you and DH.

Your grandparent's situation is different because the relationship is between your grandfather, via your mum to you. It isn't DH's news to share when he's been specifically told not to.

Could your upset with DH be because he's home, able to contact your mum and locationally closer to your grandfather? Could you be feeling guilty that you're not at home/nearby? Not saying you should at all, but maybe the anger is stemming from feeling helpless at being so far away?

TheGreatWave · 09/02/2020 21:16

You are probably in that place where he can't do right for doing wrong, if he told you first chances are you would be upset because ut wasn't your Mum telling you.

I think you probably need to separate this out from everything else, if you are thinking about final straws you are probably already there.

Take time, you have a lot going on, but this is a decision you can't make based on this incident.

Quartz2208 · 09/02/2020 21:17

It is difficult to view this without more depth in that you call it the final straw so is there other stuff. Because on its own he was in a difficult situation and you were at work and it was your mums news to tell you

Sorry about your granddad

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/02/2020 21:19

Were you actually at work when he found out? I'd hate DH to tell me if I had to be at work and perform. I'd rather find out when I was alone.

You may have lots of other issues with him of course.

Stephminx · 09/02/2020 21:21

I’m so sorry you’ve had this bad news.

I can’t see your husband has done anything wrong though. It wasn’t his news to tell. Your mum wanted to break it to you. I know you say he’s told you stuff before, but I think that’s different. Your DD self harming was surely his place.

Standrewsschool · 09/02/2020 21:25

Husband hasn’t actually let you down. He respected your mums wishes to tell you herself.

Elbeagle · 09/02/2020 21:25

Surely the self harming is a different thing. That was his ‘news’ to tell, as he has joint responsibility for your child. This is completely different.

lemonysnickett88 · 09/02/2020 21:31

It wasn't his news to tell, he did the right thing. You're directing your upset at the wrong person. I'm sorry about your grampa.

Drinkciderfromalemon · 09/02/2020 21:35

I am sorry about your grandfather Flowers. However, your dh has not done anything wrong, he did as he was asked.

L0bstersLass · 09/02/2020 22:01

I'm really sorry to hear your news.
If your mum told your husband that she wanted to tell you, then he's done the right thing. It wasn't his place to tell you as he would have been going against your mother's wishes.

It must be a really hard time for you, I hope you can be kind to each other.

MegaClutterSlut · 09/02/2020 22:10

Sorry about your grandad OP Flowers

I do think yabu. Your mum wanted to tell you. I get he normally tells you important things but telling someone their loved one is terminal is different and should've come from your mum if she wanted to tell you imo

Costacoffeeplease · 09/02/2020 22:36

Of course yabu, Irma wasn’t his place to tell you

Costacoffeeplease · 09/02/2020 22:36

It wasn’t!

ShatnersWig · 09/02/2020 22:47

Sorry but your husband is not in the wrong on this

AJPTaylor · 10/02/2020 06:44

You are focusing on this rather than the incredibly painful fact that your granddad is dying.
Perfectly normal for your mum to want to tell you. Perfectly normal for your dh to respect that.

MsChatterbox · 10/02/2020 06:46

Agree with @AJPTaylor