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Original poster

Mum will not come and visit

36 replies

magyarscot · 09/02/2020 08:32

Hi all. New to this but looking for a bit of advice. My wife, toddler and I have moved to the country. It’s about an hour away in public transport or 40 mins by car from my home town. My mum will never visit. They say it’s too far away. They don’t drive. My mum is 60 and she is always telling me ‘I’m elderly’ or ‘when you’re my age you don’t want to be travelling’. I don’t think she’s old at all. When we lived in our old house (still not in my home town but a little closer) I would have to always come and collect her and take her home. If I did that now it would be 100 mile round trip. I still go and see her every few weeks.

What bothers me is she complains about having to take public transport to visit us but every time I speak I hear about where else she has visited or plan to visit - by bus! She never calls me either. Apparently it is my responsibility to call her not the other way around. She offers no help. We have had periods in hospital over the last 12 months as well as moving. Never have we been asked if we need help or even just a call to ask how we’re doing.

When I do call her the full conversation is about her and her troubles. She asks how we are but then changes the subject.

Is this normal? Am I worried about nothing?

OP posts:
honesttogod · 09/02/2020 08:39

No it's not normal. Take a step back from contacting her and see if she contacts you.

AlwaysCheddar · 09/02/2020 09:14

No, not normal! Pathetic and selfish. Leave it and let her contact you.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/02/2020 09:21

The calls should work both ways.

I don’t see why she should need to help you move home though etc, you’re both adults and surely capable of doing it without getting parents to help.

As for the travel, it’s one of the risks you take when you move away. A two hour round trip on public transport wouldn’t appeal to many. Given you drive (and were the one that moved) and she doesn’t then it does make more sense that you travel back for visits.

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Mumdiva99 · 09/02/2020 09:23

She's being completely selfish. You can either make a fuss and call her out on it, it do nothing and go LC.

DeludedMumofPFB · 09/02/2020 09:29

Maybe not normal but person dependent. My MIL travels, once a week, 3 hours each way on public transport to look after my DC at lunch time, send them back to school for the afternoon (lunch isn't catered) and then collect them at 3, take to activities and bring them to the station to meet me on my way home from work.

She once did a different day and met another set of grandparents doing the same journey to collect their DGC who is in my DC's class!

My parents on the other hand (don't visit because genuinely too far away) will cut off the DC when we do call to tell us of a neighbour's friend's illness. Absolutely not interested in hearing about anything except what they want to talk about. And telling us all about what their friends and acquaintances (we do not know) are up to.

Original poster
magyarscot · 09/02/2020 09:41

Thanks everyone so far. Just a point of clarity. We do go and visit every few weeks. My point is she expects me to collect her and take her home if she was to visit us which would mean a 100 mile round trip. There are many public transport options. We’ve moved but we’re not in the sticks. Am I then being selfish should I be collecting her if I want her to visit us?

OP posts:
Pilot12 · 09/02/2020 09:44

Could your Mother not stay for a weekend or a few days if travelling on the bus is too much? The problem my MIL has travelling by bus is that anything over half an hour and she needs the toilet, so if the bus is late or delayed she's busting when she arrives.

I would stop phoning her all the time though, if you phoned her last, don't call her again. If she complains say "I called you last night, it's your turn to call".

Macaroni46 · 09/02/2020 09:46

She sounds like how my mum was: self absorbed and self centred. She won't change. The best thing you can do is take a step back. Expect nothing from her but equally don't kill yourself trying to please her.
I spent years trying to please my DM and realised too late that no matter how much I did it would never be enough. It was painful to accept that she was unlike other parents (or what I perceived other parents to be like) but once I did distance myself both logistically and emotionally I felt much better.
I really do feel for you OP but be strong and if you can step back from her, I would

Mintjulia · 09/02/2020 09:50

Sounds like my mum. She had a mindset that her children had a duty to run around after her when she was old, which started at about 60.

I’d work out the route on the coach or train, offer to collect her from the nearest station and say how much you are looking forward to her visiting.

You aren’t being selfish at all. And getting her out and trying new things - like a new route on her own, is actually good for her. Stops her becoming dependent.

Halo1234 · 09/02/2020 09:50

The way I see it is it's not ideal. In an ideal world we would all have supportive helpful parents who make an effort to be in our lives. However (whilst not saying you are being unreasonable) I think you have to accept her as she is. You can have a conversation that will make her different. You can say it's too much to collect her and drop her off and offer her an invite to tour house but if she doesnt accept the invite that's on her and you shouldn't waste your time or energy trying to change it. Accept her as she is. She isnt perfect but think it could spoil the relationship you do have to dwell on it or trying and change her behaviour. I have issues with my dads behaviour sometimes (nothing major just unintentionally selfish and rude a lot) but it gets me nowhere to try and get him to see the error of his ways. Life is more peaceful if I just accept him as he is and move on. If that makes sense.

Dieu · 09/02/2020 10:17

@DeludedMumofPFB

Hi. Your MIL sounds extremely kind, but do you not feel that this arrangement is incredibly unfair on her?!

DeludedMumofPFB · 09/02/2020 11:44

Yes. But she does it anyway even when I don't need her to. She wants to see her grandchildren once a week. I can hardly forbid her because I think she has to travel too far 🤷‍♀️

You can say it's too much to collect her and drop her off
Maybe this is the answer. Plan her route. Say go from X to Y and I'll pick you up from there. Maybe it's connections, not time to go to the loo etc which is putting her off?

DoTheNextRightThing · 09/02/2020 11:47

She's calling herself elderly at 60?! Crikey my boss is older than that and he is never off planes, trains and automobiles travelling around the world for meetings. She is BU.

TreeClimbingCat · 09/02/2020 11:58

My FIL is 72 and is still fit and healthy, he drives for an hour on mostly motorway to come and see us and the children who are now teens, probably every 2 months or so.

This is about where your priorities lie and what is important to you.

And no, you are not being selfish to not collect her, bring her to your home, then take her back and drive back home again. This works both ways.

I think this is the point where you need to ask yourself what do you get from your relationship with your Mum, and is it worth all the effort?

I had a friend like this, it was everything on her terms. I don't see her now. Just because someone is related to you, even your Mum doesn't mean she gets to show you how low down her priority list you are, treat you like shit and still expects you to come running when she clicks her fingers.

DeludedMumofPFB · 09/02/2020 12:03

She's calling herself elderly at 60
This too. MIL is 72. If anyone called her elderly she'd be highly offended!

SunshineAngel · 09/02/2020 12:17

It actually does my head in the way people decide they're "old" before their time. Some people don't actually get the option of a healthy later life.

My grandfather has just died at the age of 96, and he still did almost everything for himself, and would happily have come to visit me.

My other set of grandparents both turn 80 this year, and they're completely independent. We try to help them because we feel we should, but really, there's no need. If we didn't, they'd be fine.

Fair enough if she has a medical reason to not be able to do things, but if not, she's giving in before her time.

EL8888 · 09/02/2020 12:22

I don’t see why you should have to run around after her. She needs to make equal effort with travelling and phone calls. Oh and 60 isn’t old. My mum is nearly 70 and would go berserk if someone said she is old

haveuheard · 09/02/2020 12:29

At 60 presumably she is still working? I wouldn't want to spend that long on public transport on my day off at that age. A compromise would be a good idea.

Lunafortheloveogod · 09/02/2020 12:41

How far is the nearest station from both of you? Trains are a tad quicker and comfier than buses for public transport if she doesn’t like driving the road to you.

It’ll probably either be one sided or a compromise to make whatever suits best work.

But at 60 unless there’s a lot of underlying health issues I wouldn’t call her elderly.. mostly because my own dm would string me up if I called her elderly. As for calls my dgm is kind of like that, we need to remind her constantly if she calls when we’re busy we just won’t answer and we’ll then get back to her n not to worry about disturbing us. She just doesn’t want to be an old pest in her own words.

Mumof1andacat · 09/02/2020 13:06

My laws wouldn't visit me and dh when we moved to our house. It was 20mins in the car on A roads and they were both in their 50s and both had cars

Dieu · 09/02/2020 13:27

@DeludedMumofPFB

No, of course not. But couldn't you give her a lift home, or have her stay over at yours to break up the long day? Sorry, none of my business, but her selflessness has blown my mind! I would have to say no to anyone seeing my kids on those terms, as I'd feel too guilty about it.

Fifthtimelucky · 09/02/2020 13:39

Good Lord. 60 is not old. I'm 59 in a couple of weeks and regularly do long drives, including a 7 hour round trip to take/collect my daughter from university.

My parents are both dead now but they used to travel 2.5 hours to me independently until much later (they were divorced so travelled separately). My mother was probably late 70s and my father was probably early 80s and only stopped driving because his eyesight deteriorated. At that point I used to go and collect them when they came to stay.

Unless she has a disability or health problems I'd say she is being extremely feeble!

dottiedodah · 09/02/2020 13:49

My Cousin is 80 and still goes on long walks ,abroad and gets the train to London regularly ! I am in my 50s and walk the dog ,drive and so on!

saraclara · 09/02/2020 13:57

Yep. No excuse. And no, you shouldn't feel obliged to go and collect her and take her back. She's 60ffs! (I'm 63, and at risk of sounding show-offish, I take 18 hour sleeper buses in India and six hour over-packed local minibuses in Malawi).

The forty minutes each way to visit either of my kids? That's a twice a week thing that I don't even think about. Nor the six hour return journey to visit my MIL in her nursing home.

As I say, that doesn't make me special in any way. But it does show that your mum is exceptional in finding public transport such a no-no when it comes to visiting you. She's 60, not 90!

SunsetBoulevard3 · 09/02/2020 14:00

Your mum sounds incredibly selfish . Honestly, if I were you I would withdraw and wait for her to do something. If she doesn't it's her loss really. Sadly, you can't make your mother care enough about you to make an effort, but you can stop bending over backwards to accommodate her when she is so selfish.

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