Mum will not come and visit

[magyarscot]

Hi all. New to this but looking for a bit of advice. My wife, toddler and I have moved to the country. It’s about an hour away in public transport or 40 mins by car from my home town. My mum will never visit. They say it’s too far away. They don’t drive. My mum is 60 and she is always telling me ‘I’m elderly’ or ‘when you’re my age you don’t want to be travelling’. I don’t think she’s old at all. When we lived in our old house (still not in my home town but a little closer) I would have to always come and collect her and take her home. If I did that now it would be 100 mile round trip. I still go and see her every few weeks.

What bothers me is she complains about having to take public transport to visit us but every time I speak I hear about where else she has visited or plan to visit - by bus! She never calls me either. Apparently it is my responsibility to call her not the other way around. She offers no help. We have had periods in hospital over the last 12 months as well as moving. Never have we been asked if we need help or even just a call to ask how we’re doing.

When I do call her the full conversation is about her and her troubles. She asks how we are but then changes the subject.

Is this normal? Am I worried about nothing?

My parents were the same, never came to visit (20mins by bus) unless I collected and dropped off. I didn't mind at first but they were hard work e.g cups of teas/lunch/cake. I couldn't wait to take them home and rest as I had a baby and 4 year old. They never helped entertain the children nor make tea, they were draining. They've stopped coming because my mother is now in a wheelchair and I cant fit it in my car. So we visit them fortnightly for a couple of hours. Best way really. If I were you, I'd just visit fortnightly for a couple of hours.

As said completely selfish. There's many people who'll do that journey for work, until they are in their 70's.

As for helping you move, she could have took your toddler out of the way etc.

Some people make themselves old by their attitude, she sounds like one of them.

Most people are out and about courtesy of their bus pass at her age.

My mum is the same, she refuses to visit, also a 40 min journey. I am expected to visit her after a long week at work and wanting to spend my weekends home, but if I don’t I have all sorts of questions thrown at me.
I have cut down visits and contact a lot, she still hasn’t made the effort to visit but I see it as her loss not mine. If she truly wants to visit you she will find a way otherwise you are better off without her.

My grandad would still dig up the whole garden and go for 3 hour long walks till he was 82. I've seen more people being really active in old age. The point is to just never stop doing it. Once you sit down at home and do nothing you deteriorate.

Your mum sounds quite selfabsorbed, better take some distance.

I got fed up of always being the one to ring my father so I stopped. He doesn't ring me.

But couldn't you give her a lift home, or have her stay over at yours to break up the long day?
No, usually because DH has the car for work and he gets home about an hour after she would normally leave. If for any reason he is home early, she won't even let one of us drive her to the station. She would rather go home than stay at ours, we have offered!

OP, Does she struggle with change and live a very rigid routine led, sort of life?

Either way, don’t pander to her silliness. She’s only 60? She’s hardly elderly, far from it!

Did your mum ever go to work? Was she a SAHP from a young age? I think it can be a thing for women born in the fifties and earlier.

I noticed a huge difference between my Aunty and my mum in this regard. Mum was always incredibly active and adventurous well into her later 70’s when she died (short illness) but my Aunty who hadn’t worked since her early 20’s, acted like an old lady her entire life. She never learnt to drive and relied completely on my Uncle to make all the decisions. When he died, she persuaded my mum to move nearer to help look after her. Ludicrous!!!

My ex’s mum also stopped working in her 20’s and relied on her DH to decide everything.

Well my mum is 60 and regularly does the pathfinders march. So I think age is relative!

I'm older than your mum and I am NOT elderly and not planning to be for a good while yet. I have a friend 80 this year who gads about all over the world. And 60 is a brilliant time for travel - free bus pass, over-60s railcard, she should be making the most of it.

My parents are like this and it infuriates me and upsets me too.

Is it worth pulling them up on it, and point out how pathetic they are being? Even my 7 year old has noticed.

Really alienates me from my parents, but I don't know if I'm just being a cow.

Absolutely ridiculous!!
My mum is 75 and she drives 3.5 hours every 2 weeks to see us!!!