Elderly DM faking cancer

[SideeyeSue2]

NCed. She's nearly 80, in medium health, with carers (dodgy leg) and family calling every day. Went to the doc, as assisted by carer, on Tuesday. When we called to see how it went, she told me and Dsis that she had been diagnosed with lung cancer.

We're both shattered by it. I call Dsis to check she is ok, but she's on the phone to DM's carer, who's a mate and who sat in on the appointment.

Carer lady called Dsis to say Absolutely No Cancer, she's got no idea why DM is saying this - only diagnosis was mild COPD as DM has smoked for 60 years.

DM has form for faking illness - before Xmas she claimed DF was 'dying'. When I hastily arranged a medical review he was declared fine, but underweight.

How do we treat DM? She hasn't got dementia.

Dsis and I are exhausted, badly shaken and wondering how to carry on contact. Managing the carers for two elderly parents is hard enough, but the emotional load is getting too heavy to bear.

Are you sure the carer is correct. My mum's lung cancer started with COPD. Sorry to be so blunt. It's exhausting for you and I'm very sorry.

God what a shit situation for you OP. Sorry you’re having to deal with this.
Is there a chance she could have misunderstood the doctor and hastily told you she had cancer?
How much contact do you have with her? Could it be a cry for attention?
When you say she doesn’t have dementia, how can you be sure of that?

Well, we're checking with the doc, which is harder than it sounds due to patient confidentiality.

DM was screened for dementia and declared ok. Not that that means much, as anyone who knows owt about it is all too aware. DF has dementia and it's v noticeable.

Both DM & DF have daily contact with DC/DGC.

My dad did something very similar recently. He will be the boy who cried wolf! My sister and I are unimpressed. It seems to stem from health anxiety. He doesn’t listen properly and makes stuff up.

I'm pretty positive there is no cancer as when we asked what treatment she was getting, DM let slip she wasn't having any. Or for the COPD either.

Are you sure she isnt a bit mixed up between the two?

They're both life limiting illnesses (also sorry to be blunt)

Well, we're checking with the doc, which is harder than it sounds due to patient confidentiality. I take it that you haven't got Power of Attorney?

Well there are various possibilities here. Maybe she thought she was being told she had cancer? The word could easily have been mentioned and your mum just heard that.
Maybe she is starting to get confused or anxious/ depressed. Elderly people can have other mental health problems besides dementia. My mil is 85 and doesn’t have dementia (according to her Doctor) but is becoming paranoid and occasionally confused.
Your mum could do with a letter from the GP confirming what was said in the appointment.

Mild COPD isn't life limiting when you're over 80, which is good news. She might be getting an inhaler for it.

No, she wasn't mixed up.

How do you know she wasn’t confused

Mil did this a few years ago. It’s attention seeking.

I’d actually ask her why she was lying and that it was cruel.

Was she stressed about the appointment? It's actually quite easy to self diagnose in times of stress - did they tell her there were shadows on her lungs or any of the other key lung cancer symptoms?

Have you tried just asking her straight?

No, but I might.

She's got 0 symptoms of lung cancer. On the x-ray there are 'nodules' which she's had for 30 years after she had very bad flu one winter.

She and DF have refused to give us POA and lied about it too.

No, the nodules aren't cancerous. A miracle given how much she smokes.

Maybe the Dr was telling her about the risk of cancer , from the prolonged period of smoking ?

And she homed in on the word?

DM told me she had lung cancer. She was crystal clear.

DM told me again. Clearly.

DM doesn't have cancer of any kind.

DM showed no signs of confusion.

Not sure this is the right place to discuss this, as I need help on how to deal with the lies.

If at all possible, I'd book another appt with the same Dr and one of you go with her. Tell her you've done so because you and DSis want to get a 'better understanding of what the future holds' so you can 'better see to her care'. See if she backs down from her story.

If you let her story lie, what will happen? Is she going to start demanding things or time from you using her 'cancer' as an excuse or will she just moan about it when you visit/call? I think if it isn't going to change anything in the long run as far as demands on your time/emotions then I'd probably just roll my eyes and let it go.

I had a friend who lived quite a distance from me and when nothing else was going on in her life she would call and say she'd been 'diagnosed with cancer' but then later would say she was either 'misdiagnosed' or 'miraculously' was cured. She was a bit of a drama queen and I learnt to just make sympathetic noises and let her carry on.

My father had COPD, and in the last months of his life he was treated as if he had cancer, with palliative care, O2 and morphine.
Be wary of judging too quickly, listening to someone struggling for each breath. Can still hear his O2 machine in my head.

the Stately Homes thread in the relationships topic might be a better place for you to discuss this OP - lots of us there with issues with our parents
sending you and

Actually what I hear is it’s silence

She's 80. She's got acknowledged COPD. At that age it will make little difference whether cancer or COPD is 'preferable'. Either way she's got a terminal lung disease. It doesn't really matter what she calls it. Your mother is seriously ill and it's pretty pointless for you to make a massive fuss about it. Just carry on as you have been doing if you don't want to give her the extra attention she appears to be demanding.

www.blf.org.uk/support-for-you/end-of-life/physical-signs