How would you deal with this incident at child’s party?

[PinotAndPlaydough]

Long story short dd (8) went to a party where another child pulled her leggings and knickers down twice. The girl stopped when dd said she didn’t like it and would tell if she did it again.
DD was very embarrassed but is begging me not to say anything to the other girls parents.
Would you say something or respect her wishes. I have to admit I’m really cross as they are old enough to know better and it would only have been done to humiliate. I’m not sure how the other parents will react but if their daughter then seeks my dd our to say sorry or it goes the other way and the parents react badly then my daughter will know I’ve done something she explicitly asked me not to.
WWYD?

so - imagine you spoke to parents & they either dismiss it say it was a joke or are downright nasty & start making your life hell at school - if this incident reoccurs & you or another parent report it who do you think they will go after? approach teacher discretely

This is not nice behaviour. I'd report to the school.

@MintyMabel, you're wrong. Children have to know that adults won't/can't keep things secret in case they're embarrassing, as they're the sort of secrets that would cover things like CSA.

Knowing that there are no secrets when it comes to 'body things' or safety is accepted by kids. 'I have to tell because it's not a nice thing to do/it's about your safety/it's upsetting and hurting you/making you unhappy/not feel safe' are all ways to explain a legal and moral responsibility in a way that a younger person can understand.

Thanks for all the advice, dd and I have decided we will talk to the teacher. I don’t know the parents very well and it’s only ever dad that does the school run.
I will say to the school that if they don’t feel like it’s something they should have to deal with because it happened outside school then I will speak to the parents myself.
Dd acknowledges that this behaviour wasn’t ok and we have to do something although she’s very worried that this girl will be mean to her if it gets her in trouble.
I’ve also told her to keep away from her and that if anything like that happens again she has my full permission to shout, scream and generally create merry hell.

Lots of different opinions here, but you should explain to your dd that you can't keep quiet about this because someone needs to help the girl not to behave like this.

I would tell the parents, as I would want to know if my dd was doing this and they are the best people to have a chat with her about it.
I would tell the school because I would want them to be aware that there might be possible fall out in school once the other girl realised your dd had told.

School can’t do anything. You can make them aware but they won’t speak to the child or the parents as it happened out of school. I work in a primary school. If there are any safeguarding concerns about the family they can’t tell you. The parents need to know and you take it from there. You can’t shy away from protecting your child just in case the parents don’t like it. Tough! It’s how you approach it. Obviously you don’t storm in, you come at it in a friendly way. The most likely response will be ‘Oh I’m sorry about that, I’ll have a word.’ If it continues in school or there is any comeback from the child at school then you have reason to speak to the teacher.

School can’t do anything. You can make them aware but they won’t speak to the child or the parents as it happened out of school. I work in a primary school.

You have clearly not done enough safeguarding training and you're spreading dangerous information.

Of course safeguarding leads can raise concerns about incidents that happen outside school.

If there are any safeguarding concerns about the family they can’t tell you.

That is a completely different issue. They would protect the child's confidentiality but, at the same time, take the incident described by the OP seriously.

Of course this a safeguarding issue.

Children of 8 know not to rerobe others.

They know how it would make you feel - vulnerable and humiliated.

She knows it wasn't ok as she begged OP dd not to tell and she'd stop if she did. The bribing to keep quiet is also a concern.

But there is also the possibility this other girl actually has no idea why what she did was wrong. Which makes you question what's she's exposed to and her own vulnerability.

Good on your dd for agreeing to talk to teacher. Brave decision.

But in this case, the incident will not prompt any action. Of course inform school but not in isolation. A form will be completed and sit in a file.

I would speak to the adults who were supervising the party to get context. My DD had a birthday party (turning 7) and one invitee who has autism pulled down her own pants (this child does this a lot at school), another invitee copied. I asked both children not to do it and party carried on as normal. At parties kids are over excited and do act out. I would want context. Also, has there been a history of this child bullying yours? Was something said before the pulling of pants? I’d be concerned about your DD being picked on by this child. Context I think makes all the difference here.

I agree @Harry and I’m not being blasé but the most likely explanation is silliness and immaturity. 8 year olds should know better but there is a big range in maturity in 8 year olds. I would be upset if a parent went to my child’s school before me.

Your daughter is far too young to be the one to decide whether you need to do something about this. I would definitely speak to the school in case the behaviour is stemming from something happening to her. It’s not usual behaviour. I wouldn’t speak to the parents in case any issue at home is involving them. It’s definitely a safeguarding issue.

But in this case, the incident will not prompt any action. Of course inform school but not in isolation. A form will be completed and sit in a file.

Unless you know the child, which I assume you don't, you will have no idea of the wider context for this child and therefore no idea whether any action will result from the OP's report of this incident.

As well as talking to school and/or parents, how about self-defence classes for DD?

Dd acknowledges that this behaviour wasn’t ok and we have to do something although she’s very worried that this girl will be mean to her if it gets her in trouble.

Please tell the school individual you talk to that DD is worried that she will be identified as the source of any focus on this kind of behaviour, and ask that they be very discreet in how they deal with it.

Also reassure DD that you have her back and are willing to have whatever conversations are necessary if there are repercussions. Emphasise that you are not going to go in swinging or making a huge fuss, but that you can handle whatever arises in a calm and civil manner, and that the school will also be able to handle any further developments calmly too.

Don't give her the impression that you are gearing up for battle, in other words.

@MitziK

Nope. If you want your kid to tell you things, you never break their trust.

Talk them through why it is important to do something about it, and most will agree. Anything else is poor parenting.

That logic would get me prosecuted for failing in my duty to report any safeguarding concern I hear, whether at work, home or anywhere else.

If it were your kid that had experienced something inappropriate, you wouldn't be happy if I did nothing because 'I couldn't break their trust' or told somebody who might be their abuser.

School safeguarding lead here. I would want to know about this incident. It may be an important bit of additional information where concerns have already been raised. It may be the first concern, and others concerns might follow. Regardless of any past safeguarding concerns I would want to talk to the girl and explore what happened with her. It is more than likely that I would speak to the parents. To school staff saying this is not the business of school please get yourself some current training. School staff now have a responsibility to report any safeguarding concerns about their pupils, even if they happen outside of school. Successful safeguarding relies on information sharing. Previous serious case reviews have repeatedly highlighted how serious failings have occurred when people didn't report or act on concerns so a bigger picture of the vulnerability of the child was never established. This situation is more than likely silly, overexcitable behaviour on the part of the child but it might not be. That's why safeguarding exists - to make sure we don't miss the things we think are unlikely to be happening so would probably usually ignore.

I have to admit I’m slightly worried that I’ll talk to the school, the school will talk to the parents who will then talk to their child who will then name my child. I know if it was me the first thing I would ask my child was who they did this to and make them say sorry. I really don’t want me or my child being confronted in the playground about this by an angry parent.
I’m still going to speak to the school, the answers on here have convinced me that is the right thing to do. How do I bring it up with them? Do I mention it as a safeguarding concern for this child or just let them come to that conclusion l, should I go in purely as an advocate for my daughter?

I would suggest you let your dd know that you need talk to someone at school about what has happened because it is important to make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else. Ask to see one of the designated safeguarding leads. Explain what happened to dd and that you want to avoid it happening to another child and are concerned about the welfare of the child who did it. Explain that you are worried how parents/child will respond if they find out you have reported your concerns. Hope that helps.

School safeguarding lead here. I would want to know about this incident. It may be an important bit of additional information where concerns have already been raised. It may be the first concern, and others concerns might follow. Regardless of any past safeguarding concerns I would want to talk to the girl and explore what happened with her. It is more than likely that I would speak to the parents. To school staff saying this is not the business of school please get yourself some current training. School staff now have a responsibility to report any safeguarding concerns about their pupils, even if they happen outside of school. Successful safeguarding relies on information sharing. Previous serious case reviews have repeatedly highlighted how serious failings have occurred when people didn't report or act on concerns so a bigger picture of the vulnerability of the child was never established. This situation is more than likely silly, overexcitable behaviour on the part of the child but it might not be. That's why safeguarding exists - to make sure we don't miss the things we think are unlikely to be happening so would probably usually ignore.

***

Everyone on this thread who has said don't talk to the school needs to read this ^ post. Especially if you WORK IN A SCHOOL.

Sorry for shouting but I feel strongly about this.