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Original poster

How would you deal with this incident at child’s party?

72 replies

PinotAndPlaydough · 07/02/2020 19:33

Long story short dd (8) went to a party where another child pulled her leggings and knickers down twice. The girl stopped when dd said she didn’t like it and would tell if she did it again.
DD was very embarrassed but is begging me not to say anything to the other girls parents.
Would you say something or respect her wishes. I have to admit I’m really cross as they are old enough to know better and it would only have been done to humiliate. I’m not sure how the other parents will react but if their daughter then seeks my dd our to say sorry or it goes the other way and the parents react badly then my daughter will know I’ve done something she explicitly asked me not to.
WWYD?

OP posts:
mumwon · 07/02/2020 20:29

teacher is a good idea - the child might have some issue that the teacher might know of that you don't on the other hand if it is a abuse issue the teacher can start the process & you wont be involved - be discrete this way you protect yourself & your dc too

FrankieGoesToLiverpool · 07/02/2020 21:10

Do not speak to the parents. There could be domestic abuse occurring where the child is involved/seen it.

Contact the safeguarding lead in the school. This is my job and I’d expect a parent to ring me. As previous posters have said, 8 is too old for these kind of ‘games’. I suspect something else is going on.

LangittleClegabbage · 07/02/2020 21:18

Even if no abuse etc, that is such a humiliating thing to do to another child, that someone needs to chat to that girl about boundaries. I would def speak to school. Your poor DD, being subjected to that, twice.

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Mulhollandmagoo · 07/02/2020 21:52

If my child was doing this to other children, I'd wish to know so I could deal with it appropriately, but in your shoes I would seek advise from the safeguarding lead at your child's school, even if they can't actively deal with it, they can offer you a wealth of advice. There is no reason to jump to the conclusion that this child is being abused at home or anything like that (she could well be of course), but this child could simply be bullying and either way needs nipping in the bud!

ladyvimes · 07/02/2020 22:11

Definitely speak to the school. As a teacher I would take this very seriously.

Sunshine1239 · 07/02/2020 22:21

As a teacher I think it’s crazy how everyone is jumping to abuse

So dangerous

Concerned yet but bloody hell

SnugStars · 07/02/2020 22:31

But Sunshine surely if there’s a chance of abuse that always has to be considered and ruled out? However small that possibility is? Otherwise kids being abused could be missed and won’t get the help they need.

mumwon · 07/02/2020 22:34

@Sunshine1239 I didn't jump to that conclusion - but I do think it could be bullying or behavioural or specific emotional issues or even sen - my point was rather that a child's teacher would know more confidential information about the child & could deal with it accordingly

ddraigygoch · 07/02/2020 22:48

I'd tell your daughter that you understand her fear of people finding out but as the adult you have got to deal with this.
Was the party outside of school?
If it was I would absolutely confront the parents and also inform the school

MintyMabel · 07/02/2020 23:59

Sorry but at 8 dd doesn't get to decide about safe guarding issues.

Going against her wishes is the surest way to make sure she doesn't tell you next time. It is really important that she understands and agrees with OPs decision to raise it.

DD told me a story about something that happened at school. She thought it. Was funny but when I pointed out that it was really inappropriate and the boy needed to understand that for his own good she agreed we should mention it to the school.

OP should tell the parents first and only if they dismiss it, talk to the school. This is because it happened at home, and the parents should be aware that they need to keep a closer eye on kids who are there. If you tell the school they may decide it's not their issue and not tell the parents.

I don't think it points to anything dodgy happening to the girl.

Davespecifico · 08/02/2020 00:07

A quiet word with class teacher. Don’t get involved with other children’s parents.

cabbageking · 08/02/2020 00:30

I would speak to the parents. This wasn't in school and although they can make a mental note and be observant, it is not their job to be speaking to the parents or to deal with this.

This was at a party in someones home or venue. I would speak to the parents to make them aware that the child doesn't respect privacy and keeping safe rules.

mathanxiety · 08/02/2020 08:15

I would approach the safeguarding officer at the school.

Not because the school would then speak to the parents, but because at 8 a child is too old to be doing this to other children and it could therefore indicate a problem in the child's life that the school should be aware of.

I agree the OP should talk with her DD first and explain why this is a matter that needs to be mentioned to school, also to pat her on the head for reporting the incident. She should reassure DD that she will handle all further matters related to the incident, and ask her not to mention it or the plan to report it to school to the child or anyone else in school.

lilgreen · 08/02/2020 08:16

Speaking to the school won’t deal with the child. Speak to the parent in a non confrontational way.

mathanxiety · 08/02/2020 08:23

The child doesn't really have to be dealt with individually. The teacher could have a class talk on keeping our hands to ourselves that might hit home. They should be learning about positive relationships and respect anyway as part of the run up to sex and relationship ed. But the reason to report to the school is that this is unusual behaviour showing an unusual focus on someone else's bare bottom, and it might have significance.

The DD needs to keep a wide berth and not go to this child's home again for any reason.

lilgreen · 08/02/2020 08:41

Those talks happen anyway. The child does need to be told that it isn’t ok to do that if it was my child I’d expect to be told, not have others told without giving me a chance to deal with it. If the parent was hostile or gave cause for concern then speak to school.

lilgreen · 08/02/2020 08:48

OP. Find the other parent and when in a private space just ask if can talk about something that happened at the party. Say what happened, that it happened twice and that your child was very embarrassed and came home upset about it. Say you’re letting them know because you’d want to know if your child had done that so that you could have a conversation with them about it. Hopefully the parent would be surprised and apologetic and have a talk with the child.

mathanxiety · 08/02/2020 09:01

The problem with speaking to the parent first is that there may be abuse going on, and you don't want to tip them off that they may be investigated, or see them make a counter complaint against the OP's child ('she did it first' or 'she asked to have it done') or flat out denial - 'your DD is a liar/that never happened'.

It's fine to be hopeful and to think the best of others, but if there is even a slim chance that something is amiss in this child's home life you can't take the risk of alerting her parents to a possible investigation.

BrutusMcDogface · 08/02/2020 09:06

Are you close to the other child’s parents? I’m quite frankly horrified at the suggestion that you talk to them! I’d only do so if the parents were friends of mine.

Just mention it to the teacher but first discuss with your dd the fact that you feel it’s important to tell another adult.

Poppinjay · 08/02/2020 09:49

As a teacher I think it’s crazy how everyone is jumping to abuse

As a teacher you should be well aware that you don't have to be sure it's abuse before informing the safeguarding lead.

What's dangerous is a teacher who wouldn't consider the possibility of abuse in a situation like this.

NachoNachoMan · 08/02/2020 09:58

Contact the NSPCC on 0808 800 5000. They will be able to advise on your next steps.

^If you’re worried about a child, you can always talk to us. Contact our helpline and speak to one of our trained counsellors for information and advice.

If you're worried about a child, even if you're unsure, you can speak to us about your concerns. Whether you want to report child abuse and neglect or aren't sure what to do, we're here to listen, offer advice and support and can take the next steps if a child's in danger.

Our telephone lines are openMonday to Friday 8am – 10pmand9am – 6pm at the weekend. You can contact us online24 hours a day, 365 days a year.^

NachoNachoMan · 08/02/2020 09:59

@Poppinjay you are spot on

ballsdeep · 08/02/2020 10:00

I would speak to the school. They may be aware of things going on at home and need to report things. They may be building up a picture of the child's life.

Kolo · 08/02/2020 10:07

As a teacher I think it’s crazy how everyone is jumping to abuse

As a teacher, your safeguarding training should mean that you can recognise signs of abuse, and realise that any signs should be passed on to safeguarding lead to ensure a complete picture. When every individual in a child's life ignores the little pieces of the puzzle, that's when a child can be completely let down.

In itself, this incident might be a very misjudged prank by a young child. Or it could be a sign of inappropriate behaviour the child is copying from an abuser. It's not a teachers job to decide which. It's a teachers job to report any sign to the safeguarding lead who has, or who can build up, a bigger picture.

Hoppinggreen · 08/02/2020 10:10

Do NOT speak to the parents in case they are the reason she is behaving like this.
Speak to then school safeguarding lead. Even if the incident didn’t happen at school it’s concerning behaviour that needs to be monitored