Any tips for dealing a friend that goes on for hours about how awful her job is yet has no intention of leaving ?

[Lardlizard]

I’ve tried the obvious like listen for a while then change the subject but then she just goes back to it, it’s all about how awful the place is and she goes into great detail about all the other people who work there, and it’s getting to the point that I’m starting to avoid her

It’s a very very part time casual job too, not like she’s there all day everyday, she doesn’t financially need to be there and also has no plans to look for anything else

It feels like when someone goes on about how awful their husband is for hours everytime you see them yet they have no attention of actually addressing. Problems or considering leaving

So other than ask if she’s gonna look for something else or change the subject what else can I try ?
Otherwise I’m gonna have to start to see her less

You tell her straight, with a kind tone of voice and a smile on your face. I had a similar problem with a friend who went on and on about her unhappiness with her husband but would not consider leaving him. After several years of this I told her she needed to leave him or resign herself to staying and look for the positives. She stayed and 14 years on, is still unhappy.😳

Yes I’ve even tried to say that, that ideally you need to look for something else and if you don’t guess your going to either need to adresss problems ( she doesn’t want to) Or just accept it for the way it is
And yet the moaning goes on for hours
If it was just a 20/30 min moan about it I could handle it but seriously it’s hours

Does she not have much else to talk about?

I wouldn’t try and fix it, I’d be asking pretty quickly ‘ok so what are you going to do about it?’

Next time it comes up, ‘yes, you mentioned this last time, do you have a plan of action yet?’

Next time, ‘this comes up a lot, it seems like nothing is going to change so how are YOU going to change it?’

User maybe this is a factor

Bat queen I’ve said so what are you doing to do about it ? What are yours plans for that job? And she says that she’s going to stay there

Life sponge. They suck the life out of you.

I have a colleague who is like this, on and on and on. I have said outright...leave then! Fucking leave! But no, there’s then a whole dialogue about why they can’t leave.

So me being me, intolerant and straight talking, gobshite and far too long in the tooth to waste my time on such negativity, I say breezily..” ok, what else can we talk about” and change the subject. If it goes back to it then I actually say “no! Not talking about this again, we’ve done that and got nowhere”
Change of subject.

It’s fine. It’s how it is and it’s very clear. In the end they actually either shut their whining up or they just avoid me. Job done as far as I’m concerned.

I read somewhere that counter intuitively the best way to deal with this isn’t to give solutions or say what are you going to do about it but just agree with the person. So when they complain say ‘yes it’s awful it sounds hopeless and there’s nothing you can do about it’.
The idea is that they’re prepared to bat back all your suggestions of how to change but when you say yes I agree it can’t change you’re stuck they start to think ‘hang on a minute what are you saying of course I could change it if I want to I’m not hopeless’ or similar.

It’s also the minute detail she goes on about, about all the people that work there, does anyone enjoying hearing all about people they ever never even met ?

Does she listen to you talking about your life for a similar amount of time or are you finding you spend your time always talking about her? If it’s always one sided I can see why it would be frustrating.

Otherwise, I think you may have to appreciate it’s sometimes not easy to just change a situation you’re unhappy with. For me, I currently hate my job but I can’t just leave - I’d need to find a job which pays just as well, similar distance from home etc etc.

For some people it’s the fear of the unknown as well - their identity is wrapped up as being in a certain career, or their confidence is so ground down that they think they could never get another job. It’s actually a very privileged position to be in if you have the financial and emotional stability to “just change” a situation you’re unhappy with.

Alternatively, is it that she is the type of person who just likes a moan? As in, she’s not actively unhappy but likes to go on about something - I know plenty of people who seem happy in their lives but will turn something minor like a printer jam into a 4 day saga with regular updates and escalations, because it’s like a hobby for them to have something to be Outraged about. In that case, changing jobs won’t help as she’ll find something else to moan about.

I moved offices to avoid one of these people.

She would walk in, slump over her desk and for the next 8 hrs we would have to listen to how tired/miserable/shit her job was. She had a million reasons why she couldn’t leave but it was exhausting and made everyone else in the office depressed.

I have one of these, and after god knows how long of listening to it sympathetically at first and then with increasing frustration, I just say something like “you know my views on this, either change it or put up and shut up - it’s in your hands” and then I change the subject.

I have an acquaintance who is doing the exact same thing. She doesnt need her part time job as its pin money and hates it with a passion. Yesterday I told her, just leave. She said no. Why not I asked, she said everyone's so proud of me, so I'd be letting them all down. 42 is far too old to be worried about what people think. She is always moaning about it though. I say hi and walk quickly by.

@crosser62 Perfect 👌🏻 post !
Life sponge is such an apt phrase 😀

OP I’m currently leaving my job after 18 months... it’s dire .... I’m surrounded by people who talk all day about how dire it is ....
One other person who started same day as me is desperately attending interviews to escape ... the others have at least 15 years service ( 1 has 28! ) and have no plans to leave ?!?!

I’m bewildered why people would do this ... it’s misery in the extreme ... continual means ... lots of employers in the area .. they could easily move on ....

Disengage from this person .. it’s drainjng

Listening to what your saying I’m wondering if part of the probkem is she doesn’t have much else to talk about, doesn’t do much in the way of hobbies etc or interests
She’s very highly strung, has a lot of big rows with her husband about the most trivial things
Must be hard work to live with

But her upside is although she’s an intense type of person I thjnk underneath all this moaning she’s a very genuine caring person

She has fell out with several friends over the years

• continual moans

I have a friend who does this. I tried
“When I have a problem I like suggestions of things to try by DP wants someone to listen. Which would you like from me?”
“Yes it’s hard isn’t it. Let me tell you about my job”
“It sounds like things are hard right now. I’m sorry I can’t support you with this.”
“I’m feel saddened when you talk about work like this because I can’t change it and it sounds difficult. I wonder what’s keeping you there?”

I also just meet for a certain amount of time, ie come round for an hour rather than all evening dinner and drinks because I don’t give my best self after a bit and that isn’t fair on her.

Lardlizard what else would you suggest you talk about with her? If you don’t want to listen to her talk about her life what do you want to talk about when you see her? Everyone is different and likes to talk about different things. I love a good bitch session about work much more than when I have to politely circle around topics such as “oh yes, Love Island seems very popular doesn’t it? I’ve seen adverts for it but I haven’t managed to catch any episodes. It sounds very “interesting” that Dan has apparently been cheating on Sonia with Petra...”

A lot of conversations with people you want to stay friendly with surely are a bit of back and forth and accepting you occasionally have to listen to topics you’re not really that interested in; because the person you are talking to is interested in it and that’s part of the social contract of friendship?

Depending on the nature of the friendship, I don’t think you need to pressurise her into doing anything. It’s not really your call to say that someone should leave their job (or relationship, or whatever).
However it’s reasonable for you not to want to listen to draining, one sided complaint, and the assertive thing to do would be to tell her so.
I’d find the assertive thing a bit difficult though - I’ve known people like this and they’re often easily wounded, or they zone out when you try to talk about yourself so there’s no point. I think, however, I’d try to find a way to let her know that what she’s doing is too much and that you’d like to discuss other topics.

Completely different subject but long ago I had a friend who would say oh I’d love to go and travel, go to Australia, go to Thailand. And we’d talk about it and how she could achieve it. Then months later have the same conversation again. And again. In the end I said it was pointless, we were spending all this time dreaming about it, she just needed to go do it. I told her I didn’t think she ever would.
A few months later she was off! And we’re still great friends

Yes, I have a friend like this. It’s been going on for several years now. I have been very sympathetic and supportive up until now, but if she’s not going to leave, she really needs to stop, think and make it work.

You have told her what you should, the only thing is to say casually “let’s not talk about work, how is ___ going?”

If she doesn’t get the hint, I would just stop seeing her. (Same goes for people doing hour long monologues about their health or family feuds every single time you meet)

Lardlizard have you ever been in a situation where you’ve tried to talk to her about something you’re going through yourself? And if so does she listen to you, as in really listen and not just switch the conversation back to herself again? I had a friend like that and in the end I had to realise I was just a sounding board for her.Friendship is a two way street and if it’s all one way she’s not really your friend.In the end I had to distance myself and move on.

Does she ask how you are and listen to you OP?

I would look at this from another angle. You’re looking for her to change so you can continue being friends with her. Your attempts to signal to her that you aren’t interested in being a sound board for her moans have fallen on deaf ears. So I would ask myself if I’m willing to accept this friendship knowing that many hours will be spent listening to her moaning about her work. If yes, carry on with full acceptance of being there to listen to her. If not end the friendship. Trying to find more ways to get her to change her moaning behaviour sounds like you might be on the high road to nothing. Some people really enjoy moaning. She might be one of them.