Any tips for dealing a friend that goes on for hours about how awful her job is yet has no intention of leaving ?

[Lardlizard]

I’ve tried the obvious like listen for a while then change the subject but then she just goes back to it, it’s all about how awful the place is and she goes into great detail about all the other people who work there, and it’s getting to the point that I’m starting to avoid her

It’s a very very part time casual job too, not like she’s there all day everyday, she doesn’t financially need to be there and also has no plans to look for anything else

It feels like when someone goes on about how awful their husband is for hours everytime you see them yet they have no attention of actually addressing. Problems or considering leaving

So other than ask if she’s gonna look for something else or change the subject what else can I try ?
Otherwise I’m gonna have to start to see her less

Some people just love to moan. As I see it, if she's boring the life out of you you have two options, either tell her straight that you're getting bored of her complaining constantly about a job that she doesn't even need to do or make excuses every time she wants to meet up until she gets the message. Personally I think the former action is kinder in the long run.

I’ve cut ‘this’ friend off. With my other friends we might have a gripe about work but we can talk about other things 🥴

I agree with the agreeing.

I have a friend who's had problems the past few years. I had a similar issue with my ds and I dealt with it and sorted it (school related).
She's a complain no one is doing their duty but yet won't actually do anything herself to solve it.
At first I tried to help. Give her things to say etc. But she wasn't ever going to solve it as she wouldn't take responsibility for herself or her children.

It can't to a head when I had some bad news re ds health and she kept replying 3 days after I text for a chat that sorry she hadn't been in contact she'd been busy and claiming still too busy to talk.

Now I just do what PP suggested if she ever texts about it.
"Yeah I know, it's hard, let me know when you've sorted it and we can have a celebration drink"

Or "yeah I get that's difficult. Let me know what X says after you've emailed them for advice and we'll see if we can sort out a plan of action"

The trick is she will not ever do what she needs so it ends the conversation because she doesn't come back with "I've done it!"

@crosser62
Brilliant! I love your approach. Am going to try and adopt it.

@gamerwidow, that is very clever and am going to give that a try as well.

My sister is like this. I used to dread it if I saw a message from her moaning about her job. Now i can't wait for her to start moaning again so I can tell her I agree it's awful and what a shame she's stuck there!

Wonder if this approach can be used elsewhere....

Try Gamers approach

You should probably try again to encourage her to change. @crosser62's approach could work.
But I suspect she is unlikely to change - in which case you really have just two choices: you suck it up or move on. Personally, I would move on, but be prepared to explain why - she will be upset, but it sounds like you're not the first one to be fed up with her moaning.
PS Name change fail?

Do you offer her advice or challenge what she is saying? Because that can be invalidating for many people and can definitely make them feel they need to justify or explain further to make you understand them.

"How does it make you feel" can often be a more helpful thing to say.

It's also ok to say that work talk is banned when you meet up.

She won't change - so all you can do is look at your response to how she is.

I have a friend exactly like this. I really like her and on the rare occasions when she's not being negative she can be really good fun - witty and clever and very caring. But she is hugely and relentlessly negative about everything - work, home, family, money, the weather... Everything is a problem and needs to be talked about in endless amounts of forensic detail.

In the early days I used to try and give her advice, which went nowhere. Then I'd try to help her myself, which resulted in complete apathy from her. Eventually I realised that she enjoys complaining and likes having things to complain about. The end result is that I have taken a massive step backwards, and although we are still friendly we aren't anywhere near as close as we used to be. I had to do it for my own mental health as it got to the stage where I would dread seeing her name flash up on my phone, because I knew it would be a 2 hour call of her moaning non-stop.

I work with someone exactly the same. It totally drains you when you hear the same thing day in, day out. You can only be supportive up to a point.
These people don't really want a solution, they just like to moan.

I have someone in my life like this at the moment. It's incredibly draining. In the last two weeks I've realized I just can't cope with it any more so I've not been picking up the phone every time he calls and not replying to any texts about the subject. He's been sending me e-mails of links to new jobs and so on.
I told him 3 weeks ago that it is now time to stop complaining about his job (this has been going on for 6 years!) and that if he does indeed want to get a new job in the offshore industry then he should spend time finding out about this instead of using up energy and time on telling me all about how bad his job is in minute detail.
So now I am getting a barrage of e-mails with links to info about offshore jobs.
I know all about his work colleagues even though I've never met the majority of them. All of them are a nightmare (according to him). They make his life a misery etcetc.

I know that he won't get another job. He'll be in this job he hates for another 30 years. He goes on in the same way about a couple of hobby groups he is in. He even left one, felt better and then went back to it.
It's something I just can't understand. Why do that?

OP, I think that it's maybe time to tell her point blank that she needs to either accept the job as it is and stop complaining about it so that you can have more fun together as friends OR she needs to seriously look for another job which is a better fit for her.
You'll support her with either of these things but you really can't spend hours listening to this negativity any more.

I have one of these too. I am trying to gradually phase her out. I saw her for an hour at Christmas and after asking me how I was, and letting me talk for about a minute, she then cut in and moaned for the rest of the time. So I had something important to go and do.

Alisalisa can’t help wondering what you said that had to be deleted ?!

Does she ask you how you are doing? About your life?

If not then she is using you as a counsellor with none of the reciprocal kindness and interest of an actual friend.

You aren't being mean if that dynamic doesn't work for you. I think once someone is categorised as our friend we find it hard to see them as anything else no matter how they behave towards us.

If a boyfriend suddenly started doing something that upset you and wouldn't stop, you would be well within your rights to break up with him. It's no different in this case - if she is only moaning about this and not being a good friend to you then you aren't obliged to continue acting as a counsellor to her.

She's a mood hoover.

I definitely agree with trying gamerwidow's approach and agreeing with her.

I would also arrange shorter and fewer meetings with her though.

I sympathise.
I left a job where my close colleague would just moan and moan, it was such a joy sponge.
I would tell your friend straight....let's not talk about your work, I find it so depressing.
If she ignores you I would reduce contact as much as possible/drop her.
Your not abandoning her in her hour of need if she's been like this for a long time.
Friends should enhance your life, and yes friendship can have their ups and downs, but she sounds very self absorbed that she doesn't read lose how depressing it is to hear about a situation which she could easily change.
Me & my mates moan about work, but we keep it entertaining and have a laugh when we do it and keep it short. If there's something important going on we take it seriously, let each other talk and give advice, then move on to other topics, everyone gets airtime.
I love meeting up with my mates!

Yes she does ask abiu time and my life so it’s not like she’s totally onesided or anything
And like I said although she’s intense she is a caring person
But I’ve basically tried all these suggestions
So I think I’m going to have to take a bit of a break from her
I will try one final time, after a bit of a break, to say look if you are not interested in moving on or addressing some of the issues
Guess you just have to accept that’s the way it is

It’s frustrating when you’ve listened for a while say over half an hour to all the same old things you’ve heard 1000’s of time
Then you change to suspect to something else about her to get off the work topic and then she still turns it back to work issues
It’s not like I don’t listen at all
I don’t even mind listening to it for half an hour or so everytime I see her but it’s the details
Talking about all the other people there who are no interest to me And it’s all in minute detail
Not like it’s the bullet points
And she could go on and on for hours zzzzz

So thanks for all the advice
But I actually feel like I need a break

As soon as she starts to tell you something she’s told you before, cut her off with ..”yeah you were saying last time, she pushed in front of you in the canteen” etc. Tell her the story before she gets a chance to repeat it.

As soon as she starts mentioning work stop her and say that you are setting a timer and she has 20 minutes to whinge on the promise that she won't talk about work for the rest of the visit. If she takes offence then so be it.

After your update I do think it’s a little unfair if she lets you talk for a similar length of time about you - maybe she finds whatever you’re talking about tedious as well?

It’s one thing if it’s all one sided; it’s quite another to just effectively say “what you’re saying is boring me and I can’t be arsed to listen to it any more”. This is maybe more a sign really of the fact that you just don’t like her or enjoy her company? So for her sake you should just end the friendship.

She's a mood hoover

Never heard this before. I love it. It describes a couple of people I know perfectly. Thanks for expanding my vocabulary.

SIL has been like this for the 25 years I've known her. She hates her job, doesn't like the people, everything's shit.

She's been in the same department of the same company since she left school in 1989. Some people just moan.

Dyrne, there are hundreds of other things to talk about than just (a) what’s on telly or (b) moan about work. What a grim set of options! I’d be more interested in your kids, your hobbies, what interesting things you did at the weekend, what funny thing someone’s pet did, local current events, charity-shop bargains, your garden or houseplants, a new place to eat, an unusual holiday someone’s been on, any campaign or charity you’re involved with ... Or sports, decorating, knitting patterns, clothes, recipes, mutual friends, even the weather!

OP, you’ve been very tolerant. But it is time you said “let’s talk about something else because this isn’t going anywhere and it brings me down”.

I would just say you don't want to talk about work and then enforce that, every time she starts to talk about work stop her and say I don't want to talk about that. See how it pans out without the work chat.

It is within your control to meet without talking about work if that is what you want.

I don’t even think it’s the job; she’s still there isn’t she.
She just a bit of a bore.
It’s hard to communicate that without being rude but the only way I think is assertive and direct..
An “ oh wow, are you still talking about work” with an incredulous laugh. Give it 5 minutes and then says one thing like “ ok ok I get it let’s talk about something cheery” and change subject. Repeat.