Feeling sad and disappointed

[pinesofrome]

My DS(9) became a chorister probationer last September. DH and I were very proud and he was delighted as he loves singing. We found out yesterday that he's falling behind in rehearsals and performance as he's not able to process quickly enough the vast repertoire of music they have to learn, despite being given extra help. The suggestion is that he leaves at the end of this term so we have the Easter holiday to help him get over the disappointment. We've been told he's very musical and has a beautiful voice. He has never mentioned that he's struggling, and is thoroughly enjoying the whole experience. He has been playing another instrument for 2.5 years and despite huge efforts on behalf of his teacher and myself (I'm a musician) he still can't read music so has made very little progress. He's been told he's bright but I'm beginning to wonder if he's got a slow processing speed (his reading is average but well below what his high-performing private school expects of him). I'm so sad that despite his musicality and voice he'll be denied an amazing opportunity which he is so excited about. I know he'll be very disappointed (we've decided it's best to tell him nearer the end of term) and I'm dreading breaking the news to him. I'm not sure why I'm posting - just desperately sad for him and for what might have been. Also worried that he'll never progress musically if he can't read music, and that he'll struggle as he moves up the school. He's already experienced some mild bullying and been called 'slow'. Now wondering whether to move him to a state school with less pressure.

Thanks for reading. Any thoughts on how to get over this and move on please?

bump!

Is there another choir he can join? One that isn't so demanding.
Don't actually have to tell him the real reason either.

Swapsicles - thanks for reading.

Yes, will look into other choirs.

Not sure what reason we'll give. We're going to tell him together with the Head of Music at the cathedral. They want to have a small leaving-do to thank him etc - not sure how it's going to go!

I think you know deep down that it isn't the right environment for him. He probably does too. That sort of education isn't necessarily the right one, no matter how talented you are.

My experience is in the world of classical ballet (very similar in the hothousing of exceptionally talented children) and for my dd2 full-time vocational ballet school didn't work out either.

Thanks dustibooks.

Sorry it didn't work out for your daughter. Does she still do ballet?

That sucks for your son, I have no answer but I just wanted to say I feel for him and for you having to tell him. I hope he finds something else that he is good at and that makes his heart sing x

In the nicest possible way, is it possible OP, that given you yourself are a musician, you're trying to "make" him good at music when deep down he doesn't actually have a natural talent for it? Perhaps if he enjoys singing then he could do it as a hobby rather than as an education. If he still can't read music after 2.5 years then I would suggest that that isn't perhaps where his talents lie.

Thanks Hermoine. His other passion is kayaking so he'll definitely be able to spend more time doing that!

Thanks Ginger. DH agrees with you and I think you're right, though I'm struggling to accept it! I'm a violinist and love playing in orchestras and ensembles. I so wanted DS to experience that too but I don't think it's going to happen. I'm slowly realising that good parenting is all about nurturing your child's own talents and passions and not imposing your own ideas of what they should be - I find it so hard though and now I feel guilty that I put him through it.

I would be finding him something else to do that means he can’t possibly make the choir schedule. Then I might look for a more relaxed (Saturday morning music school?) choir.

It sounds like the pressured environment isn't right for him. Send him to a more nurturing school and allow him the time and space to develop his own interests and find for himself what he's good at. He can still enjoy music!

Could he be dyslexic? I ask this because some of us have difficulty absorbing written information.

Have you considered that he may have dyslexia / dyspraxia, my son has both of these and his guitar teacher used a different method using numbers to teach him music. Just a thought.

I think you’ve done what you thought was best for him, and he’s clearly talented from what you say. But you’re also self aware enough to realise this might not be the best environment for him so even if music doesn’t turn out to be the force in his life you’d hoped, you sound supportive enough to ensure he makes the best of his talents. Hope he takes the news well OP.

Thanks for all your comments. I don't think he's got dyslexia or dyspraxia as his reading ability is right for his age. What he seems to struggle with is reading music - I'm puzzled as to why he finds it so difficult. He really wants to carry on playing French horn but I don't see how he can progress unless he can read music. It's possible he's got slow processing skills? DH and I are seeing his teacher tomorrow to see if she's spotted anything, and to see how the school can support him.

We pulled our son out of one of the Oxford choirs after a year as a probationer, and it was the best decision ever, though painful at the time.

It is an extremely pressured environment, the need to conform and fit in is overwhelming. While in a choir, it is virtually impossible for the boys to have any interests or any free time to play and be a child. You mention that your son is being bullied a bit; in my opinion, the choir atmosphere tends to be inherently profoundly bullying, with little room for individuality or self expression.

While you are involved in a boys' choir, it is so absorbing that life hardly exists outside the choir. The boys cling to it, as the only reality they know. Your son sounds more attached to the choir than ours was, but I do think that you can probably help him to see all the positives about leaving, and keep him in the dark about why he is actually not continuing with it. (All you might need is one very tempting club or activity which directly conflicts with the choir schedule.) Once you get out of the choir, the relief can be immense and very liberating.

My husband and I are both musicians, as you are, and I think I understand your feelings, but truly, not being in a choir is a great blessing for most kids!

Finally, If your son turns out to be serious about his instrument, a choir hardly leaves room for him to develop instrumentally...

@pinesofrome No, my dd doesn't dance any more, she was in her teens, so went nearly all the way and fell at the final hurdle. I wish we'd never travelled that road at all really.

PurrBox, thanks for sharing your experience. I have to agree with you about the huge restrictions the choir imposes on the boy's individuality and free time, and wonder how healthy it is. Maybe it is a blessing that he's leaving! There are lots of after school clubs he would love to join so I think he'll soon appreciate the benefits. I suppose I'm a bit gutted because he's really enjoying it and I know he'll be hugely disappointed to begin with.

The thing about boys being choristers is that at some point it will all go. In 4 years' time, his voice will break, and he'll have to find some other musical outlet. It's heartbreaking, and I've met many people who ruefully reminisce about how they used to be head chorister etc. Learning an instrument is better over the long term.

We don’t come from a musical family and my eldest child is 8. We bought a piano and starter piano book and she’s taught herself the book in a few weeks is playing what I think are basic tunes?

She’s also decided she wants to play the violin so we’ve sorted lessons out at school.

I guess what I’m trying to say is she’s reading music - and she’s making up her own tunes after a few weeks of tinkering away on her own with a beginners book. Maybe it’s just not going to happen for your son - I can’t read music at all and I keep thinking maybe it’s easy to read music as my DC learned so quickly (the basics anyway)!

It’s probably all a lot more complex that what we’ve been doing but just saying my bit!

I’d want him properly assessed by a SEND specialist just because this would puzzle me.

Can you re-direct him to local am-dram/musicals/shows/gang shows so he’s using his musicality but isn’t being pushed massively in such a formal situation? I’m aware that this is a huge sea change for him and you.

Your DS is only 9, it sounds like you’re putting an awful lot of your expectations on him.
Im puzzled why he can’t read music
it’s your passion/talent, why does it need to be your sons?
There are other choirs, why such a high pressure one?

At 9 he can be very musical and live a rich musical life while not worrying about reading music. When he gets older he will probably pick it up, and in the meantime, playing by ear learning by rote will be enough.

By the way, have you tried helping him to write music, rather than to read it? He may find it easier that way round, either composing his own melodies or writing down 'twinkle twinkle' etc. As a game, 'what tune have I written?' and so on.

Leafyhouse, I think you're right. We'll have more time to spend on French horn and he can sing in a school choir.

Gosh as a music teacher that makes me so sad for him and you however there are lots of private schools with excellent music departments that I’m sure would welcome a lovely singer with open arms. Have you considered a more musical theatre type approach - would he be interested in dance/acting as well? Chorister training isn’t for everyone, as it’s so fast paced and rigid, and sadly it sounds as though it isn’t the right environment for him. The other kids certainly shouldn’t be teasing him like that either, that’s really negative and should be stamped out immediately. I would advise moving schools if possible. My Ds moved from private to state although a bit younger and is absolutely thriving. Being in bigger classes has helped him, rather than held him back.