Feeling sad and disappointed

[pinesofrome]

My DS(9) became a chorister probationer last September. DH and I were very proud and he was delighted as he loves singing. We found out yesterday that he's falling behind in rehearsals and performance as he's not able to process quickly enough the vast repertoire of music they have to learn, despite being given extra help. The suggestion is that he leaves at the end of this term so we have the Easter holiday to help him get over the disappointment. We've been told he's very musical and has a beautiful voice. He has never mentioned that he's struggling, and is thoroughly enjoying the whole experience. He has been playing another instrument for 2.5 years and despite huge efforts on behalf of his teacher and myself (I'm a musician) he still can't read music so has made very little progress. He's been told he's bright but I'm beginning to wonder if he's got a slow processing speed (his reading is average but well below what his high-performing private school expects of him). I'm so sad that despite his musicality and voice he'll be denied an amazing opportunity which he is so excited about. I know he'll be very disappointed (we've decided it's best to tell him nearer the end of term) and I'm dreading breaking the news to him. I'm not sure why I'm posting - just desperately sad for him and for what might have been. Also worried that he'll never progress musically if he can't read music, and that he'll struggle as he moves up the school. He's already experienced some mild bullying and been called 'slow'. Now wondering whether to move him to a state school with less pressure.

Thanks for reading. Any thoughts on how to get over this and move on please?

I'm sorry for your disappointment. My daughter is 10 and has been learning an instrument for 2 years. She's really struggled with reading the music - which has surprised me because her mechanical ability is naturally high, her maths is fantastic and I thought it would be a breeze for her. She used to write the notes in - which I know doesn't solve the problem....but......
However in the last 6 months she's really progressed a long way. So don't write your son off he's really really young still.

Surely the most important thing is to nurture the love of music and then he can do whatever he chooses. And whilst there probably aren't thousands of classical musicians who can't read music I bet there are many many successful contemporary musicians who can't.

If he enjoys it then find an alternative if he doesn’t then let him do something he does enjoy. I was forced by parents to play the piano to grade 7 I had no interest in it, wasn’t a natural and could have spent my time better doing something else I enjoyed. If I see a piano now as an adult I avoid them like the plague!

This will probably sound stupid but gave you gas his eyes tested. Music has to be read at a distance for most instruments and is often small, we found once our ds had glasses his music reading improved immensely. It had been a bit blurry before

Reading fluency is no indicator that he's not dyslexic btw....both myself and and DC learnt to read easily and have always good fluency and comprehension. We are both dyselxic

Sorry obviously ‘ have you had his eyes tested’ rather than the gobbledegook which came out

I have to say this sounds completely over the top! They don't want him in the choir but are having a leaving do?? What absolute craziness is this. I would take him out quietly a different way and find another. Or ask if he is definitely not allowed to stay in it.

JK - he wanted to become a chorister - we didn't push him. Also he wants to read music but gets frustrated because he finds it difficult.

Pickles - that's a great idea which I'll try!

Cherry & Tinned - I'll ask him about musical theatre. He's quite a performer so it might be right up his (42nd) street! The teasing (being called 'slow') came from children at school, not choristers which suggests he might have some learning issues at school as well (though nothing's been mentioned). Will hopefully get to the bottom of it tomorrow when we see his class teacher.

Pease - he's having his eyes tested on Sunday just to check.

Scared - it'll be a very low-key farewell after his last performance so he feels appreciated and leaves on a positive note (pardon the pun!). Otherwise there'll be constant speculation amongst the boys as to why he left.

Does he definitely have to leave?

Just another point of view...

I was, in my day very musical. But I couldn't get above grade 5 in any instrument no matter how hard I tried. As my years have gone on I found I have an irritating sort of 'face blindness' type thing. Which extended to everything else from reading music to written exams. I simply struggle to read written instructions unless they were dot to dot however if I'm physically shown how to do something, I get it from that one time. It simply is just another way of learning.

Not all learning suits.

I'd potentially still ask about Dyslexia as just because he can read at the average age doesn't mean he's processing it all and this can be part of Dyslexia. Dyslexia has a huge spectrum not just about reading.

Thanks for your insights - it's really helped me get things into perspective. I'm still numb and shell-shocked but hopefully things will become a bit clearer after our meeting with his class teacher.

Has anyone had any experience of moving their child from a high-achieving private school to local primary school? We're considering this as a next step to reduce the pressure on him. His local school is very good.

You have to find the school
That is the right fit for him - we have a gorgeous local state school and our kids are loving it - the private schools near us can be hot-houses - I just want my kids to get a good education - we support on top with activities - dance (ballet and tap) swimming - instruments and brownies - in fact they both love Brownies and Rainbows.

We live in a lovely area so spent money on a smaller more expensive house to get access to good state schools.

Have a look at national youth choirs of gb for him x

I can really empathise here. I was hothoused musically growing up and managed to get an Oxbridge choral scholarship. I found it seriously tough going. I played two instruments and sang, but I didn't find reading or sight singing music easy and in hindsight I realise I was a performer not a musician. I was a member of a local professional group and I was always having to be given the easier parts.

I would step back and look at whether it's the right environment for him or whether there's a chance he's just a lovely normal kid who might lose confidence in himself because he's surrounded by "brilliant" kids.

Professional musician here as well :) He can absolutely progress without being able to read traditional sheet music, particularly if his aim is not classical. Have you considered attempting to use graphic scores to help him learn the music instead?

@LilyPinkNoah reading music isn't that easy, especially not learning it alone like that. What your daughter has done there displays exceptional talent! If she's loving it then it should be nutured :)

Thanks Lily - very wise! If we went down the state school route we'd have more money to spend on extra activities that DS really wants to do. Also we could top up English and Maths with private tutors if necessary.

Blitzen - thanks, I'll have a look.

Puppy - you're right. We don't want him to lose confidence or self-esteem so it's important to do what's best for him so he's happy.

That makes me sad too but he may be a bit relieved in the end not to have to give everything and all the time he has to just one thing. I achieved a choral scholarship aged 18 at university, having done very well at my non-music school, but was 'defrocked' within about 3 weeks when they realised I was also not keeping up to the sightreading demands (in particular). It was painful, but I still love music and would not be without singing. Also, although it might take a while for him to trust this after the end of this choir era, he may be slow with music reading but it just means he does it more slowly, NOT that he'll 'never' get there. Really not. There is plenty of time to work on it but not fixate on it if he wants to.
I think if it were me I might want to go and try something very different before too long, like a musical, gang show or pantomime or something, and do some more of other things he loves (kayaking? Something like a family activity holiday with a lot of opportunity to master that to a greater level?)
Very best to him and to you. Don't stop singing (or not for too long).

I think I would have a look at your local music provision where I am hardly any music in state schools anywhere near that level but lots Saturday schools or go to private schools who generally value music more... also lots state schools will not have places..

My DH is a professional musician, and I used to play the piano when I was younger and am fairly musical (but haven't practised for years). We always assumed that our dc would also have a natural aptitude for music and want to learn an instrument. I'm also pssionately fond of gardening, natural history and wildlife etc and thought that my influence would spark a lifelong interest in the natural world in our dc.

None of that proved to be the case at all!

They have to find their own place in the world and their natural talents will come out in all sorts of unexpected areas, usually totally unrelated to yours. All you can do is support them in their endeavours by providing the kit, the transport and the money. And be proud of what they achieve.

Best of luck to your ds and I'm sure he will do well.