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Original poster

Infertility related - Should I warn this person of my online pregnancy announcement?

45 replies

DorotheaHam · 02/02/2020 15:35

I'm going to be putting a pregnancy announcement on FB soon. I know some people don't agree with them, but I have a small friends list (less than 70) of people across the country and this is the easiest way to let some know.

There's a person on my list, who I haven't spoken to in quite a few years, but we have friends in common so we've stayed fb friends. She's made several posts about her fertility problems and miscarriages over the past couple of years.

A few years ago, I had unsuccessful ivf, and several miscarriages and announcements, and seeing pregnant women used to make me feel physically hurt so I don't want her to be upset seeing my post. Though, getting my message might be just as upsetting.

Should I send her a heads up message before I post? I know she might not be the only one on my list to have such struggles but she's been vocal about it so I don't want to be insensitive. But will it seem weird or be unwelcome, given that we haven't actually spoken personally for a long time?

OP posts:
Original poster
DorotheaHam · 02/02/2020 15:37

Sorry, rogue commas in para 3, hopefully it's still clear.

OP posts:
Cherry678 · 02/02/2020 15:44

No need if you explain in your post that you've been through hard times but eventually got a result, will give her hope.

Lifeoverhaul · 02/02/2020 15:52

Cherry678 - it doesn't give me hope when I see announcements like this. It kills me a little bit more inside.

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TurtleTop · 02/02/2020 15:53

If you haven't been in touch in ages anyway maybe set her to public posts only anyways? You could set everyone who isn't "need to know" to that as well so it isn't personal.

Cookit · 02/02/2020 16:09

Yeah if you’re not actually friends and there’s no need for her to know your news just set it that she can’t see the post.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/02/2020 16:11

Should I send her a heads up message before I post?

No.

forrandomposts · 02/02/2020 16:14

Just post it but exclude her from seeing it?

FlamingoAndJohn · 02/02/2020 16:15

I’ve been there.
I had a friend at work who knew that I had been through IVF and recently had a miscarriage. She messaged me the day before she was going to tell everyone else at work.
I will be forever grateful.

CoffeeCoinneseur · 02/02/2020 16:26

Set it so that she doesn't see any of your status updates from now on, and then in a few months time just quietly remove her from your friends list.

You're not actually friends, there is no need for her to see your news, or you hers.

20viona · 02/02/2020 16:28

If you haven't spoken in 3 years I don't think there's necessity to tell her before your announcement.

FaithInfinity · 02/02/2020 16:28

I messaged a couple of friends to give them warning. They’d both had late losses (not long before I got pregnant) and I just thought it would be easier for them to warn them. We had fertility problems, it took a long time for me to get pregnant. The worst thing for me was the cheery ‘Guess what? I’m pregnant! Only took me one attempt!’ type messages.

PurpleDaisies · 02/02/2020 16:31

No need if you explain in your post that you've been through hard times but eventually got a result, will give her hope.

It really won’t. Her situation has nothing to do with the op’s situation.

Since you’re not close any more, I wouldn’t message. Don’t put a scan photo up. Those are the worst thing to see.

Sammysquiz · 02/02/2020 16:43

I wouldn’t put it on FB - if there’s people on there you haven’t spoken to in years (like this woman) then there’s no need to tell them. If they’re good friends then send them a text.

I would announce the birth but no need to announce a pregnancy.

Sunshineand · 02/02/2020 16:52

I would announce the birth but no need to announce a pregnancy.

Yeah, is this what people do now? So glad I'm not on Facebook.

Cacaca · 02/02/2020 16:59

If you haven’t spoken to her in years it’ll probably be pretty weird for her to receive a message like that out of the blue. If you private message her she may also feel obliged to respond whereas she can just ignore an announcement.

EnidButton · 02/02/2020 17:07

I had someone who thought the Hope thing was true and would phone me up especially to tell me who in our hometown was pregnant that week. She was extra keen to tell me if it was as a result of ivf. I'd 'failed' ivf 5 times and had 3 miscarriages. Told her several times that I'd rather not know but apparently I was wrong and it would give me 'hope'. Nope. Just made me feel absolutely shit.

Anyway that's nothing to do with the OP who is being very thoughtful. If you have a mutual friend that is closer to both of you than you are to each other, you could tell them first and ask if they'll pass the message on.

Or set it up so it only gets sent or shown to people you're actually real life friends with. That's probably the best way. Then word will get round anyway.

Congratulations btw Cake

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/02/2020 17:13

I agree about not including a scan photo. Plenty of ways to share the news which don’t include one.

As you have 70 people on FB I don’t think mutual friends is a reason to keep her on there if you’re not friends.

I never minded pregnancy announcements when I was having problems but didn’t share anything about my losses either. As you’re not close a message beforehand would be weird.

IckyIsAFuckingStupidWord · 02/02/2020 17:30

A few years ago, I had unsuccessful ivf, and several miscarriages and announcements

Does this mean you announced that you’d had a miscarriage?

Sheld0r · 02/02/2020 17:39

I disagree with pp saying to exclude your scan photo from the announcement. I think it's a good idea to only have the post visible to the people you select to save upsetting her. I think it's very considerate of you but don't minimise your own happiness for someone you haven't spoken to in years. I've been in her position struggling TTC and hated seeing these posts. Yes, it's upsetting to see the posts when you've been trying for so long but if she resents seeing anyone pregnant then it's her problem (like it was my problem when I got upset). I'm sure if she finds out she's pregnant then she won't be hiding from anyone or feeling ashamed to announce it just in case she upsets someone.
Congratulations OP

PurpleDaisies · 02/02/2020 18:05

I'm sure if she finds out she's pregnant then she won't be hiding from anyone or feeling ashamed to announce it just in case she upsets someone.

Who said anything about being ashamed to announce it? You can tell people you’re pregnant without sharing a scan photo on Facebook. Most of my friends who have struggled to conceive don’t share them. I never would.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/02/2020 18:18

I wouldn’t put it on either. Those that you are close to you can ring , no one else needs to know.

It’s only special for the parents and maybe a few close family members.

MrsEsss · 02/02/2020 19:46

I wouldn't send her a message but would do what others have suggested - customise the audience of your post so that she doesn't see it. It's very easy to do.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Smile

seven201 · 03/02/2020 08:20

I think pregnancy announcements on Facebook are weird personally (and they hurt - I'm doing ivf). Do not send her a message, that would be awful to receive, much worse.

Either don't post an announcement or just adjust the settings so she can't see your post.

Muckycat · 03/02/2020 09:10

It's kind of you to think of her but given you haven't spoken in so long I wouldnt get in touch with a heads up. I think better to adjust your privacy settings so it doesn't pop up on her feed. I would think a message would feel more pointed and require a response. If she happens to look on your feed and sees the post that's unfortunate but you would have tried to manage it best this way.

haveyoutriedgoogle · 03/02/2020 09:20

OP, I think it’s really nice you’ve actually taken the time out to think about this.
I wouldn’t message her, I would do as the above posters have said and restrict her seeing it (especially given you haven’t seen/talked to her in 3 years).
And, if you want to post a picture, post a picture. I don’t know what this new thing is about not posting them but I agree with @Sheld0r; I struggled through years of IVF, losses and infertility, but any struggles around other people’s news were mine, not theirs, to manage.