Infertility related - Should I warn this person of my online pregnancy announcement?

[DorotheaHam]

I'm going to be putting a pregnancy announcement on FB soon. I know some people don't agree with them, but I have a small friends list (less than 70) of people across the country and this is the easiest way to let some know.

There's a person on my list, who I haven't spoken to in quite a few years, but we have friends in common so we've stayed fb friends. She's made several posts about her fertility problems and miscarriages over the past couple of years.

A few years ago, I had unsuccessful ivf, and several miscarriages and announcements, and seeing pregnant women used to make me feel physically hurt so I don't want her to be upset seeing my post. Though, getting my message might be just as upsetting.

Should I send her a heads up message before I post? I know she might not be the only one on my list to have such struggles but she's been vocal about it so I don't want to be insensitive. But will it seem weird or be unwelcome, given that we haven't actually spoken personally for a long time?

On Facebook you can exclude certain friends from seeing the post.

Def message her first. It's the kind thing to do 👍🏻 I've been her and always appreciate a heads up.

Normally I’d agree squirrel, but they haven’t been in touch for years. Wouldn’t getting a message out of the blue be really weird?

Normally I’d say yes message her but you don’t speak to her. So she might think you’re messaging to rub it in because there really is no reason to message her.

I don't use Facebook but I assume it's the same principle as Instagram as in you follow each other so you're seeing what's going on in each others lives all the time. (I'm a bit cut throat, if I'm not in touch with someone regularly I won't follow them). I guess some of it is perception, is the OP engaging with the other persons posts ie liking and commenting etc? If so then I'd say a heads up would be good. If there's literally be no contact or engagement for years then probably not.

OP please I beg you, give her the ‘heads up’ message!!

Please don’t listen to people telling you to block her on Facebook – that’s even more hurtful.

I was in her position for many years, and I cannot tell you how much it meant – it meant the world! – to have friends just give me a heads up the day before they tell everyone else. Just a quick note saying they’re thinking of me and know that it’s hard to hear news like this. It meant everything!!!!!!!! PLEASE listen to your good instincts that are telling to to be kind and make a small thoughtful gesture.

Don't block her, but exclude her from that post.

When I got pregnant two of my friends had fertility issues I told them separately one got pregnant quite quickly after me the other adopted a child around the same age

I would personally. I also don't agree with excluding her from seeing it.
If she's having a really bad day. She could be In the mindset of "Oh cause I'm not good enough to get pregnant like every other fucker". I'm not good enough to see her announcement".

How long since you were in contact op? I think that’s the key thing here.

I rarely get all het up about MN posts, but this is one I feel passionately defensive about - even if you’re not in regular contact, she will be very aware of everyone else’s successes and failures with fertility. Such a small gesture just to say you’re thinking of her and you feel for her can honestly mean the world, and could never be taken badly I believe. Please do it!!!!

Even today, many years after the infertility nightmares I went through, I still remember the kindness of those friends who took half a minute to send me a quick message ahead of telling the world of their pregnancies. It gave me such comfort.

*PurpleDaisies

How long since you were in contact op? I think that’s the key thing here.*

No it’s NOT. They have friends in common and the infertile friend will find out - and have you even begun to thought for one second about just how humiliating that will feel for the infertile friend to hear about it from the friend in common when she says “oh have you heard DorotheaHam is pregnant”?

I don’t agree very. I absolutely hate seeing pregnancy announcements. But if it was someone I hadn’t been in contact with for three years sending me a message, I’d feel utterly patronised. It’s obviously different for a close friend. The “I know you’ll find this hard” is awful to read. It’s horrible not to react normally to happy news but to have that shoved in your face makes it even worse.

Yes very. I’ve been trying to have a baby for over a decade with no success.

Take your assumptions about me and shove them.

And very, I wasn’t one of the posters saying to exclude her from the post. I was saying if they hadn’t spoken in years, a personal message is weird. Try reading properly before you start attacking people for things they haven’t said.

Scenario A: The friend in common says to the infertile friend, “so I hear DorotheaHam’s pregnancy is going well”.
Infertile friend had been blocked from seeing the FB announcement, had no idea, is completely put on the spot whilst dealing with all the emotions that come from hearing of other’s pregnancies. It’s awful.

Scenario B: The friend in common says to the infertile friend, “so I hear DorotheaHam’s pregnancy is going well”.
The infertile friend says “yes, she sent me a lovely message before she announced it” and the conversation can move forward from there. Not having to feel blindsided or deal with the unbearable emotions that I for one remember too well from my own ten years of infertility.

Scenario C The friend in common says to the infertile friend, “so I hear DorotheaHam’s pregnancy is going well”.
Infertile friend says “yes, I saw that on Facebook”.

Purple daisies I’m sorry you’re angry, infertility is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with and I really do empathise with the strong emotions it raises.

I notice you haven’t apologised for your posts to me very.

Yeah I think if you haven't spoken for that long then I wouldn't send a message specifically. It would feel
a bit weird, I think. Almost like you had no real interest in her until you got pregnant and then had to tell her. A close friend would be entirely different.