DD fat shamed

[sunnyshowers]

I m not sure where to start.
Last year my 12 year old daughter was told by one of her friends liked because she was too fat. She is in no way fat, a tiny bit of pupy fat but wearing 11 year old clothes so a tiny tummy but NOT FAT.
Anywy the friend apologied, not sincerely though and only in an effort to bring the circle of friends back together.
The started secondary school and another girl has joined the circle of friends and has been also fat shaming her.

Last night it came to light and she was devastated. Its like a worm that’s gone into her brain and its all she thinks about.
I just don’t know what to do.
I ve told her shes beautiful and she really is, inside and out. She hasn’t started periods (now 13) and no sign of development, hair etc. The others have.

I don’t feel I can talk to the other parents, both girls have tense home lives and to be honest I don’t know if I trust myself to be calm.
There is a sleepover in the coming weeks and shes refusing to go because these 2 girls are there. They haven’t said anything recently but like I say this s now in her brain and she cant shake it.
What can I do? I normally read posts and know the answer but for this I can t think clearly.

I don’t have children that age but if I had, I guess I’d explain that it’s not about skinny or fat, and that having a healthy and strong body should be the aspiration.
Then show her sportswomen and discuss their achievements and try and help her identify a sport she’d like.

Also I won’t be sending her to sleepovers with this girls.
I think if you do sports she’ll find new friends focused on athletic achievement instead of skinnyness.

My 9yo is constantly worrying about being fat and she really isn’t age 7 trousers fall off of her and you can see every rib.
I don’t know where it comes from, I have never watched my weight and am not generally that bothered about my appearance believing it to be the least interesting thing about me.
I always tell her she’s not fat but it’s not important any way the only thing that matters is are you healthy and active and strong. I won’t tolerate her saying or so and so in class is fat either because commenting on other people’s bodies is rude and who cares even if they are.
It’s a losing battle because I’m fighting against peer pressure and the media and it does worry me for when she’s older if she cares about it so much now.

She needs to distance herself from those two children and find better friends! Don't encourage the friendship in any way. If she was a 4 1/2 stone waif, thed say she had boring hair, or the wrong bag, or clumpy shoes. This type of negging doesn't stop, it moves on to another aspect of her appearance. They're just unkind and not worth her time or headspace in any way- the sooner she gets that, the better!

There's a great book called "Bullies, Big mouths and so called friends" (it's on Amazon) which is great at talking about things like this at the level of tweens.

Try and find some positive activities she can be involved in with other children at school. Maybe there's an art club, or trampolining club after school. Is there someone in the wider circle that likes the same music that they could hang out together and listen to things? Someone that has the same 'look' as she does? Maybe an outside body such as guides, scouts, cadets? These will build her confidence.
What is she already good at? Are there possibilities there? Eg if she plays an instrument could she find an LA ensemble to join to widen her circle of friends?

Re the 'weight' thing- keep on reiterating what healthy is. People come in all shapes and sizes naturally, and they carry weight different too- this is going to change for her as her body changes through puberty. Encourage healthy food choices and regular exercise, maybe as a family so that it's normalised.

Also meant to say keep her off social media as much as you can. There is a lot of pro-ana stuff on there, it's insidious, and it has a very unhealthy effect on tweens (who technically aren't old enough to be viewing that stuff!). You're the parent, and you need to limit the amount of SM usage.

Thanks so much.
Shes such a cool kid. She rides horses every weekend for an entire day with an different set of girls, plays hockey for a local team and also in very involved in scouts. She is SO capable.
All her teachers say she is an amazing student too.
Shes so kind to her friends and my gut tells me they are jealous.
She has a core group of friends that are lovely but these 2 girls have joined and while they are not in the core group they have been invited to this sleepover.
I told the mum whos having the sleepover that she wont go and why. (one of the taunts was ...we d love to see you in pjs and all your fat hanging out...her friends said do not believe that..you know that's just NOT true)

I was surprised that is did bug her, she is so accomplished and its gutting to see that she was vunerable to something that was so blatantly a lie.

I really thought I had talked it out fully wit her when it happened, but it s still there.
This morning she said she feels better that its out in the open but the rage I feel...

I haven't invited these girls to ours sine it happened and she tolerates them but said that they are done friendship wise.
She doesn't want to lose the close friends though they are supportive.
The child having the sleepover is such a sweet innocent easy going girl...it genuinely hasn't crossed her mind and I don't think we can dictate who she invites, just decline the invite.

My dd would go bonkers if I e mailed the school or contacted the parents (not that they give a toss anyway)

In my experience it is very normal to become a bit obsessed with how you look at this sort of age. I think it's to do with hormones and puberty - becoming attractive to the opposite sex (or even the same sex) becomes important. It's superficial but evolutionary logical.

So quite usual for girls to worry about being fat, or ugly, or having a big nose or any other of the millions of worries about appearance. Your DD has locked onto weight.

What I did was focus on health and strength. Talk to DD how physically fit she was, how she eats healthy food and is strong.

Also, I did allow for that superficial obsession with looks. So took more time to get fashionable clothes, practice make up on nights out, do fancy hair or nail things whenever appropriate. This phase did pass, but my DD (and her friends who's mum's I've chatted with) but for a while I just loosened the reins and let her dress more grown up, so that she felt more attractive and got that confidence boost.

Your absolutely right BSC...they had a go at her before Christmas because she didn't want to go shopping...she was saving.
They said your loaded just ask your mum...she said no. My parents give me so much already and I am not asking for more before Christmas.

What a thoughtful and wonderful response, @bsc.

It is really good that your DD is talking to you about her life, OP. At her age, I never let my (miserable) family know anything and I went though some tough times at school and really could have used kind guidance. Keep being a trustworthy support to your DD.

FATEdestiny yup....but the thing is she s not into fashion or beauty, she is far too busy mucking out stables and pitching tents and she LOVES it.

Shes such a tomboy but loves making up dances with her bestie...

Honestly they other 2 don't feature in her life that much thankfully but are more developed than her, the main one is actually way bigger than DD so its nutty carry on.

I feel myself calm down now...thanks so much.

I m just taking her for a walk with the dog...I m so grateful for your responses and I will buy that book now.

She got bullied in primary and it was awful. She didn't tell me so now she tells me everything thank god. Shes only got whats app, no FB insta or snapchat.
She face times her friends and they 4 of them are on split screens (think brady bunch intro) and she bring s them in to say hi to me and the dog and they are really lovely.

She s just so innocent and sweet.

It’s jealousy OP. I think you need to help her build understanding of jealousy; and a resilience to it. Because a lot more of this will come her way. She sounds great, and the girls will prey on her differences, which might then make her want to become more ‘normal’. Social media does have a part to play in it. Encouraging her to be her best self and filling her full of admiration and hope Is all you can really do. Children really can be awful x

Last year my 12 year old daughter was told by one of her friends liked because she was too fat

What actually happened here-sorry, who was told what by who?

Ah, she sounds great! And she probably has good self-confidence in the main, because she is involved in lots already, so I'm sure she'll get past this in no time at all.

When they see they can't rile her, they'll move on to another girl, and so hopefully the rest of the group will see how unkind they are, and they naturally be pushed out of the group.

Sorry redlocks...the fried didnt like dd because she was too fat to be liked.
Dd is absolutly not fat

Try to explain about jealousy to her. This is pure jealousy and they are trying to drag her down by hurting her. They clearly know what to say that will hurt and have compounded this. Teach her to laugh it off and understand their thought processes.

Dd and I watched a good film about body image the other day it was called Dumplin' with Jennifer Aniston. We liked it, it was really about accepting people whatever their size.

Some really good suggestions on this thread and it's sounds to me like you're doing a good job OP.

You mentioned that one of the bullies (because that's actually what they are) is actually bigger than DD? Have you ever gently mentioned that to her as part of your wider conversation? Perhaps you should, to help her see the untruth in the ridiculous comments? When I was worried about my weight at that age, I genuinely had no idea what size I was, even though I was slim and active like your daughter. Perhaps it might help her see the jealousy for what it is?

@OP....my daughter was in the exact same situation, but her shape changed completely at 14, once she got her period. The baby fat simply disappeared/redistributed.

Also, her thyroid was very slightly under active and getting medication has helped her significantly.

I can relate and I understand how difficult this is for both of you. I am really sorry. Girls are under a tremendous amount of pressure these days to look a certain way and it is not easy. 🙁

Id say this was a prime opportunity to talk to her about the media and social pressures on women to feel like they only have value if they look a certain way if you havent already.
Shes clearly physically active, does sports, socially aware, kind. She sounds smart. What is it about this minor stupid comment that has brought her self esteem crashing down? Can you talk about that a bit more with her. Yes, im sure she is beautiful and not fat, but really, thats not the point either.
Shes not too young for a bit of feminism

Sounds like good old fashioned jealousy to me OP. You said it yourself they are both more developed than your DD so by making her feel that’s bad they make themselves feel better. Teenage girls can be vile, your daughter sounds lovely and you are encouraging her the right way. Fit, strong and healthy is the way to go and I imagine your daughter beats them hands down on that one.

Just back. I mentioned jealousy to her. I said they may not even realise what they are feeling and she couldn't understand why.
I painted a picture of her life ad she saw what they would see and then understood.
She s very innocent and very happy go lucky...just a bubble of smiles...and that can upset people who could be unhappy.
They are teenagers and they re all finding their way but I did explain that they can repeat bad thing that people say, that makes them as bad as the people who originally say them.
I explained that you need to say to them to stop you don't want to hear...
thank you all so much your kindness really helped me manage this far better then I would have alone. I m so grateful......

If "pj comment" girl is at school with her I would absolutely tell the school. It won't be the first thing they've heard I'm sure. And it's a way for her parents to be informed without you having to do it.
I can think of a few comebacks she could make but it doesn't sound like she wants to be saying nasty stuff back I totally would

Tombaker i have so many comebacks i ve indigestion from swallowing them.
I will e mail the tutor just as an fyi.
To them shes got such a good life but the reality is she's got a disabled brother and its rough...if it wasnt for her.. shes just amazing. Girls need to know that they're amazing.
I ve in laws for dinner but had to say thank you so much

In my experience I would tackle it with dd. It is patently untrue so why do you think these girls are saying it? What are they getting out of it?
Reassurance and resilience is the way to go.

This is how things started in year 7 for my Dd, she was a confidant happy kid and these girls (best friends) gave her confidence a real knock. She even cut her self twice. School counciling, great lady she chatted to. I was even invited in by Dd to talk with her. We finally got through to her in year 8 to change friends group, that they weren't being good friends.
Now in year 10 everything going well, my confidant kid is back, and one of the other girls in this group has left and joined Dd after she became the girl getting picked on.
She needs new friends, they will smile and say all the right things, but your Dd needs a new group to spend time with.