3 years training for my dream job and now I'm qualified I'm miserable.

[Monr0e]

Since leaving school I have wanted to be a midwife. I have recently qualified and started working at a new trust in October. The training was difficult but nothing I wasn't expecting and I enjoyed it overall.

I qualified in September last year and started at a new trust from where I trained in October. I am completely miserable. I am riddled with anxiety. I have started my rotation on delivery suite and I feel so out of my depth. The level of responsibility is off the charts, I go home every day wracking my brains thinking what did I miss, what did I not hand over, is it my fault they ended up in theatre or with a heavy bleed or a baby that needed to go to nnu. The other midwives are lovely and supportive but some of the band 7 co-ordinators are just horrible. I have spend my days off dreading going back.

My DH and DC's have supported me so much these last few years while I trained, I can't just not go, we need my wage and I can't not work but I don't know what to do. I feel such a failure wanting to give up after only 3 months but don't feel I can go on like this.

And thank you @Mlou32 for the offer of a chat, I may take you up on that

Firstly congrats on qualfying! well done.

Having just completed my first year as a qualified nurse - I completely empathise with you... it's been a turmoil journely off mixed emotions.

The first few months were the hardest - the self doubt, the worry and anxiety. But it does get it better: you're confidence will grow. The preceptorship co-hort I started with - everyone of us had these feelings.

I've made mistakes and have learnt the best skill to have is to ask and request help/advice.

Talk to your Practice educator about how you feel or the ward manager and hopefully they will come up with supportive strategy.

I've found the following have helped: planning day, taking my time and not worrying about what others think, asking for help, using my mistake as lessons/guidance to learn from and listening/remembering the praise. You are making a difference and are amazing.

Every shift is new shift.

I knew you'd be in healthcare too

I'm not a midwife but one of the allied health professionals who moved to a new area after training, I felt exactly the same.

It was so hard transitioning to the new processes, many of which seemed out of the dark ages (district general) they were so different to what I knew from my progressive, forward thinking training trust.

The other newly qualified had trained at that trust so they were more comfortable (although just as nervous deep down once I got to know them a bit) but I will be forever grateful to them for the support they gave me in helping me settle in and u understand how that hospital worked.

3 months is very early days, I worried and cried for a fair while! Give it a bit longer, your confidence will grow and the anxiety lessen as you become more comfortable. It's because you care that you're worrying so much.

I agree you should be getting more support though. Speak to your manager in the first place. I felt abandoned at first so I went to the senior lead and asked if I was doing ok and would they let me know if I wasnt doing right. She said I was doing great and of course they'd have said if I wasn't. So I can only assume that you look to them that you're absolutely fine. You deserve more though ask for a regular 1:1 with a senior for professional discussions and make friends with the other band 5s for the social support side. Even just a coffee break have bonding moan over the rota or a chat about a sad or happy situation that affected you all will help.

Keep going you can do it

Perhaps try to make time once a week, fortnight or month to take yourself to lunch in your favourite local cafe, with your laptop. Document what you have learnt, what went well and what you've enjoyed, think about what you're struggling with and how this is changing, or not, over time and what skills/knowledge you need to improve. It's so easy to feel overwhelmed with the anxiety of learning on your feet. This really will help you to understand your progress and CPD instead of being swamped by negative emotions of your day-to-day work. I learn by doing, it's slower, but even situations and departments I haven't enjoyed have taught me things that I can access today, & you'll also have the case studies and reflections needed for revalidation

Do you feel like the issue is the Trust, being on delivery, a lack of mentorship or a combination of these?

I think as more Trusts start bringing in CoC, it’ll be hard to avoid delivery completely but perhaps you would do better within antenatal care or community midwifery first to build confidence? Or on an MLU where you’d be dealing with lower risk deliveries in a less medicalised environment?

I qualified from sheff hallam as a.nurse nearly 8 year ago. My first job was in dewsbury and I hated it nerves etc different way of working than what I was used to. Did perceptership then moved. I work in the community now x

Yes, apologies OP, I forgot about CoC when I was talking about future job options but as Fenella says it does have implications for midwives and career planning. Hopefully as you also say though Fenella there are still options available.

I knew you'd be a NQM from the title! I'm a newly qualified nurse working in a new trust, and I feel so much the same. I'm actually happier when I'm at work, because whenever I'm at home I'm just constantly worrying about things I might have missed on my last shift, worrying that I've missed something and harmed a patient, worrying that someone is going to complain about me to the NMC. The fear is absolutely relentless. I phoned the ward at 3am this week because I couldn't sleep for worrying about something.

I've been told it does ease eventually. The training is just so inadequate for the reality of the job. Meantime I'm right there with you browsing jobs on my days off, so maybe this is just a normal phase of our evolution into competent professionals?

It's shocking that so much time goes into educating HCPs to care for others, without equipping us to care for ourselves

I have been a nurse for 35 years and I think that sometimes more experienced staff forget how much you have to learn and assume a knowledge base. You are not getting enough support and probably doing much better than you think or feel. Also remember you are working in the toughest area of midwifery , get through the next few months and after another rotation you will probably feel more confident. Just remember if you are in a situation and struggling ask for help from someone more senior, even if its hard to ask at the time you will be less anxious in the long run.

This reminds me of when I was nursing. My first ward was general medical for 9 months then I rotated to coronary care unit. In my trust we took in anything likely to be cardiac instead of them going to a&e, and we carried the emergency bleeps and went running around the hospital attending arrests. I absolutely loved it but I genuinely barely slept for the first 3 months. It was so intense and I was so worried about... everything. I rotated from there after 6 months with such a lot of confidence, I felt I could cope with anything.

So, give it time, it will get better and afterwards you will be able to cope with anything you come across.

In terms of transferable skills... being a health visitor! I know a former acute care nurse and a former midwife who both were paid full salaries (one matched her nurses salary in full including night shift allowances etc) to retrain as health visitors. However health visitor in most places now pretty much means you are a social worker so not an easier role either, just the hours are a lot better!

Anyway, I'm sure you will work it out but that seems to be the common alternative.

This is a problem with your trust. The RCM Position Statement is that structured preceptorship for newly qualified midwives is required for should normally last no longer than one year .

Preceptorship should be a structured period of transition that develops the newly qualified midwife from student to an accountable midwife able to work confidently to the Nursing and Midwifery Council’s (NMC) Code

www.rcm.org.uk/media/2293/preceptorship-for-newly-qualified-midwives.pdf

Have a chat with your line manager, and whoever is responsible for organising the rotations for newly qualified midwifes in your trust

Definitely stick it out! I started at a new trust and my first rotation was delivery suite. It made me ILL. The constant stress and anxiety really took it's toll, and as a result I developed severe problems with food. I stuck it out and when on the other wards, I made sure I did a delivery suite shift regularly even though I hated it. I then requested to go back there full time and the thought scared me witless to begin with, but now I'm absolutely fine on the whole. You can do it! The first year is by far the worst, then it's onwards and upwards

I hated my first year of being NQ midwife. I also went to a new trust and left after 6 weeks and did bank where I'd trained until a permanent post came up. But then that was also more local to me.

Stick it out but do talk to the clin Ed or Prof dev midwife about more support and a named preceptor. Doesn't sound like they have a good preceptorship programme which won't help.

I spent the first year feeling a bit sick. But then it starts to click. It's normal. Also if you dislike Labour ward when you have a bit more experience apply for community if that's more you.

I'm not a MW but am a HCP. I love my job (16 years in the profession) but fucking hell that first year was tough.

The thing that kept me going was a really supportive supervisor. It's so important for more experienced staff to support their more newly qualified colleagues. They've all been new at some point and felt out of their depth!

Non HCP here ( though majority of my family work in health care )
Just wanted to say that you sound lovely and so caring ... you deeply feel for your patients and families which will be contributing to your stress levels as you just want to do your best for them .

You’re exactly what that role needs .. so I hope for your sake and the community you serve you find a way to get through this and enjoy the rewarding career you worked so hard for .

Good luck and thank you for choosing this profession ... you do matter and make a difference xxxxxx

I’m a nurse that qualified 18 months ago. I totally agree with everything you and others are feeling/have felt. The relentless fear, anxiety, terror, pressure, responsibility. The team I work with are incredible and so, so supportive and I love my job but I still have terrible anxiety, so much so that I recently contemplated suicide.

I told a good friend at work, my ward manager and a GP. I’m now on antidepressants that seem to be helping to reduce my anxiety and my trust is paying for several sessions with a private counsellor who is wonderful. Please speak to your GP, if you haven’t done so already. There is no shame in antidepressants or anxiety meds, in fact, talking to everyone at work, it seems that the majority of staff are on similar meds. See if your trust offers a counselling service.

All the best.

I take my hat off to you for becoming a midwife. I'm a nurse in A&E and know how nerve wracking it is to have the lives of other people in your hands.

The fact that you are anxious about what you do at work is a very positive sign because it means you are proactive and not complacent about the importance of your job.

I have a very skewed view on midwives having had a mw ignore what I was saying and leaving me and my child to haemorrhage causing brain damage to my child. I feel she just was complacent and didn't want more work to do. However I accept most midwives work hard, are caring and want the best for their patients. The fact you are anxious about your working day is a good indicator you will be a good midwife. My advice is always listen carefully to what mothers say, rule out the worst case scenario, learn how to read CTGs perfectly and speak out if you are understaffed and under pressure.

@Monr0e This BMJ wellbeing at work article may be useful for you & your fellow newly qualified midwives Take care

OP the first year of being qualified is so tough.
I’m a HCP in a different area with 25 years experience. I remember my first few months and feeling I was so stressed I thought I would melt.

I still work clinically but also recruit and supervise newly qualified staff. It is bloody awful even watching people go through that difficult first year.

They arrive exhausted by the training and then promptly get sideswiped by the huge responsibility and the pace and the volume of the work.

These are good people, both in terms of being good at their work but also having great integrity and wanting to provide excellent care.

It usually gets better. The demands stay high but people’s experience, expertise and confidence naturally grows.

As a manager, supporting the newly qualified staff is the hardest part of my job. I can see how much they are suffering but can’t fix it. I do share with them how hard it is for most people without naming names and they have told me they have found it helpful to know it is far from being just them.

It is so full on in today’s NHS. There is no space for growing into your role. It will get better and/or you will find a role that is a better fit. Good luck.

Just wanted to say thank you again. Hearing that my feelings are normal, despite being crap, helps and I can only hope that in 12 months time they have passed and I am beginning to feel more comfortable and confident in my role.

I am in tomorrow and already feeling that sick feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach but I'll go in and do my best and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Not going to lie though, I'm still keeping my eye out for a nice clinic job with a bit less life or death!

I had definitely thought of training further to be a health visitor, even before qualifying it was always a possible next step for me. However it seems impossible as there is only one uni locally that does the course and you have to find your own placement. And the posts that are advertised are for those already qualified so not sure how to step into that role.

Thank you again, I can't tell you how grateful I am. I am going to speak to the maternity matron tomorrow and try and arrange a meeting with her to offload some of my concerns. And at least get a named preceptor for support. I have a lovely big file to complete over the next 12 months, just no one to go through it all with!

Good luck. You should definitely have someone to talk through the report and offer you support.
I think a lot of the training course are super competitive to get on and then really demanding so you are on a treadmill with blinkers on. Suddenly you are spat out the other side and the full enormity/reality hits you and you suddenly see ALL the downsides at once

I’m also in the health service. After years of bank work I started a permanent position at band 2 level and absolutely hated it. On paper it was everything I would love in a job but I couldn’t put my finger on what I hated.

Every day I would cry from the moment I woke up until I got to work. I would be feeling sick, worrying and getting very angry with my DH for no reason. I stopped doing anything on my days off except sleeping. At work I would cry in the toilets.

One day I was crying just wishing I would die. A domestic assistant found me and took me to my manager who was lovely and sent me to see my GP. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and given meds and counselling. I handed my notice in and found a new job at the same hospital but a different environment. Long story short I’m now enjoying my job (still have stresses but i no longer get so upset. I have the odd wobble now and then but feel a million times better overall.

Sometimes you just know deep down what is best for you and I wish you all the luck in the world working it out! x

@Canklesforankles thank you for your post. You sound like a lovely supportive person and I bet your newly-qualifieds really appreciate having you!

@Monr0e I am a newly-qualified midwife and I run a peer support page called Peerceptorship - you can find us on instagram and Facebook (FB is slightly more active). I try to post supportive messages and we also post reflections on NQM life and quotes from NQMs. The main thing I want NQMs to understand is that you are not alone. You are sooo not the only one. I also started at a new Trust and even though mine have been really supportive, it's still daunting, so I can't imagine what it's like when people are not as kind as they could/should be. My heart breaks a little reading some of the messages we get in our inbox, about unsupportive seniors, ridiculous demands, lack of care towards new staff. It shouldn't be that way.

I hope your meeting with the matron is a good one and that you at least get a named preceptor and signposted to some support. There are also groups on Facebook such as Self-care for Midwives, and Tea and Empathy. I have found it very helpful to get support from my local Association of Radical Midwives group too, plus you might have an active Royal College of Midwives group?

Wishing you all the best xx