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Original poster

My husband still has joint bank account with ex wife

52 replies

Frenchlucy · 31/01/2020 14:51

Ok, I could really do with some other points of view as I'm feeling slightly bogged down by my situation atm. I've been married to a very wonderful man for the last 2 years but we've been together for the last 11 years. He and his ex wife separated over 12 years ago, she has a long time partner and the split was very amicable, it still is and we 're all on good terms. The 2 children they share are now 20 and 23 and both at university, point is the parents continue to want to co parent, share costs and still have a joint bank account. Incidentally he does not and never has had a joint bank account with me. Feeling slightly secondary to the ex, can't they just direct debit directly to the kids? Am I wrong?

OP posts:

Original poster

Frenchlucy · 31/01/2020 19:12

Thanks so much to you all for taking the time to offer your opinions. I understood the need for a joint account when the kids were younger but now the situation has become a hot topic for me, his ex likes to indulge her kids, her choice, but expects my husband to pay half of everything, he already pays a monthly allowance of £600. Push comes to shove, we can't afford any more than that but it's always another £200 or so a month extra. The kids haven't got jobs and are not helping and we are struggling, really struggling. My husband wants to be a good dad and just agrees even though we haven't been out in months, can't afford holidays, just food and netflix!

OP posts:

namechange1041 · 31/01/2020 20:04

OP why is he still paying maintenance when they're adults? Child maintenance stops when they turn 18 yet he's paying them approx £400 a month EACH?!

I don't understand why he'd do this and you're all struggling it's crazy and selfish.

IMO he needs to tell them he's not doing that anymore. They need to get jobs, he has supported them more than enough for long enough too!
It's ridiculous OP I really feel for you, it's not fair.

namechange1041 · 31/01/2020 20:07

Is he paying his fair share of everything to do with the house & bills etc?

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user1471449295 · 31/01/2020 20:09

Wouldn’t be happy with this

Fckingfuming · 31/01/2020 20:18

I've got two at 19 & 20, DH and I help them where we can but how are they to learn responsibility for earning their own money whilst mum and dad keep funding their lifestyles? I think personally he should help where he can, but the amount needs to be seriously re-negotiated, and the account needs to be closed. He could set up a regular bank transfer every month to help them until the end of university if he so wishes, but £600 pm when you can't afford it is taking the mick. I also would point out to him he is now married to you, and whilst it's normal to have a joint bank account between couples, it's not between exes. Remind him that while you support his wish to help his adult children through Uni, you need to live and enjoy yourselves too. HTH.

Fckingfuming · 31/01/2020 20:26

Forgot to mention when I said he should help where he can, I meant in the sense that the majority of parents would if the kids were in financial difficulties, NOT can't be bothered to look for a job to help themselves so mum and dad should still pay for everything. Sorry I should've made myself clearer in the previous post.

billy1966 · 31/01/2020 20:34

OP, sorry to ask but why have you married someone who can't afford to be married?

Were you not aware of this beforehand?

Are you financially contributing to his children?

No wonder you are not happy with this.

I presume you haven't any wish to have a family yourself?

Runnerduck34 · 31/01/2020 20:41

It is unusual , I'd wait until dc finish uni then really push for its closure.
In a way it's very civilised , how do they use the account? do they each pay an amount in every month as a savings pot then use the money as and when DC need something? If so it makes sense. If there are no savings in it and money goes in and out immediately then you are right they could pay DC direct.
Until DC finish uni and have employment they will likely need financial support from parents and it's a credit to your OH and his ex that they are supporting DC.
I can see two problems from your point of view, one is that your OH is still financially linked with his ex and her finances will therefore effect his credit score and two you understandably feel put out he has a joint account with his ex and not with you. Thou for reason number 1 you might be better off not getting a joint account with him until he closes account with ex.

WingBingo · 31/01/2020 20:45

I really can’t see how this makes sense. They are adults and need to learn to support themselves.

The only scenario in which this would not be weird is if you and your DH were financially blessed. Which you are not.

Runnerduck34 · 31/01/2020 20:50

Just seen your update, I have DC at uni I do need to top them.up as the maintenance loan they get is calculated on parents income . Financially dependent 20 year olds are a rarity particularly now with extended education increased housing costs etc so I don't think they are unusual still needing financial support from parents. However
not unreasonable to stick to the budget of £600 a month unless there is a real geniue emergency

Original poster

Frenchlucy · 31/01/2020 20:50

Unfortunately I couldn't have children, it happens and it's sad but I've learnt to accept that and it's no longer a big issue. Things were different when the kids were younger, I expected helping support them through uni but not to this extent. The 23 year old spent4 years on a law degree which she eventually failed and refused to resit, she then decided to do a humanities course but couldn't get another student loan so of course the bank of mum and dad had to assist. This all sounds a bit poor me, I do feel a bit like t hat right now but my husband's a wonderful man, just too soft!

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/01/2020 20:57

I’d be feeling a bit “poor me” too. What a ridiculous situation. My divorced parents coparented amicably with entirely separate finances has bank accounts. There was no need for a joint account even when your DSC were children.

And I take issue with him being a good dad if that means pandering to and indulging an adult offspring in a second degree when they fucked up the first one and can’t be arsed getting a bloody job. Why’s he being so spineless? The bank of mum and dad didn’t have to assist. It was a choice. A stupid one.

Do you and your husband have joint finances?

TorkTorkBam · 31/01/2020 21:02

Is your husband happy with the situation?

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 31/01/2020 21:05

This would be slightly odd, but understandable if the DC were actual children, but grown adults? No. Informal support only at this stage and a roof over their heads if and when needed, but not ongoing maintenance.

My SiL is in the midst of a divorce from BiL atm, two adult DC, both of whom are working and living independently. SiL is pursuing BiL for maintenance of £200 each per month and won't take any advice that she's not going to get it. She won't listen to her lawyers, her friends or anyone and doesn't care how much she spends in legal fees. Madness.

OP, your DH needs to let go of his former life, I wouldn't put up with him being so enmeshed in another woman tbh.

SD1978 · 31/01/2020 21:16

What's the account used for, who has access to it, and how much goes in to it? Whilst kids are still in education, I don't see an issue with this- means that you always know bills are being paid

Original poster

Frenchlucy · 31/01/2020 21:18

Yikes, beginning to wish I hadn't posted this, so m any brilliant replies reiterating what I've known all along, he's spineless and in thrall to his ex. Thanks so much for helping me to reach a difficult decision but it would have been easier to let it go, spent too long doing that already though

OP posts:

Oly4 · 31/01/2020 21:19

If the money is for the kids I wouldn’t have a problem at all. Sounds sensible

fallfallfall · 31/01/2020 21:24

i get that it's gone on for a while but, this isn't the 1980's and really young people need this support till around 25.
a joint account is probably easier.
but should be coming to an end soon.

Michaelbaubles · 31/01/2020 21:25

I still have a joint account with my exH. The mortgage from our old house goes out of there - he’s bought me out but due to one thing and another it’s still a joint mortgage and I’m still on the feeds so it’s in my interests to know it’s being paid. Only he pays into it and all that goes out of the mortgage and then I withdraw my maintenance money from there. Neither of us even keep the cards for it and we trust each other not to clear it out. It works for us and it’s certainly not because either of us are in each other’s pockets or too close (far from it, we don’t even live on the same continent...)

eggandonion · 31/01/2020 21:25

Having just updated our wills here, do you have wills? It might be a good opportunity to discuss financial issues logically? I have two kids doing masters, both have jobs and rent to pay, but we have a rainy day fund in case they suddenly need help.
We were married at 23, I had no financial help after I was 21, dh was kicked out at 18. But that was in the days of grants!

LizzieSiddal · 31/01/2020 21:25

I really don’t see an issue with this at all. They are still at uni so need a joint account. We fully supported our 2dc until they’d finished uni.

You say “what I’ve known all along” Are there other issues going on?

JKScot4 · 31/01/2020 21:30

£800pm for two adult ‘kids’? This is insane, time to put your foot down, you’re struggling but hanging adults £800pm??

LizzieSiddal · 31/01/2020 21:33

JK it’s really quite common for parents to give their dc that much whilst they’re at uni. They have rent to pay/bills/food etc.

JKScot4 · 31/01/2020 21:43

@lizzie
I have 4DC , 1 currently at uni and does not require £100s every month as she has a work ethic and doesn’t expect constant handouts, every student I know works.

LizzieSiddal · 31/01/2020 21:45

Ok that’s your experience. It’s not mine or the experience of many students I know.

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