If your child/teen has great mental health...

[Fridakahlofan]

Is there anything you think that helped to build that resilience in childhood?

Tips please.

I know it can still come out of nowhere despite a 'perfect' childhood and so I am not trying to say that problems people are experiencing are anyone's fault.

DS isn't perfect, he has some down days but I think that's normal teenage hormones.

When he has these down days I make a point of explaining that it's perfectly normal. He has a lot of love (I tell him I love him daily and hug him whenever he wants, I do little things like warm clothes on the radiator before he gets up and for when he gets in from school), as much support as he asks for and firm boundaries. He's not massively spoilt but he gets a lot of what he asks for, although tbf he's actually quite realistic in what he does ask for (he knows we're not loaded).

And a hell of a lot it is probably down to his natural nature and luck tbh.

Thank you @MilkTwoSugarsThanks

I am interested in mobile phone activity too. My gut says that I would have been miserable at school if I still felt pressure to perform/fit in and didn't get to have a break/escape while at home.

I think emotional health and mental health are different. I'm not sure there is much you can do to impact some mental illness that develops.

I keep my teen dd busy and active. She was prone to introspection and over reactions, along with being an absolute worrywart. She started watersports last year and hasn't looked back. Loves it, gets outside and has made friends.

Things like Scouts and Guides are brilliant for building resilience and pushing them to try things outside of their comfort zone. Both my children have benefited enormously from Scouting, and (touch wood) aren't showing any signs of any anxiety or MH issues so far.

I have 2 kids 16 and 18 who have really good mental health.
For me its amazing, I had awful depression in my teens,there is also a history of quite severe mental illness in my family.Also they've had a very difficult relationship with their Dad who they now dont see.
So lots of difficult factors in their lives.
I think some is luck ,I think some of it is framing their lives as positive and them learning to do the same.
We lived on a small island for their primary school days ,small kind community in which the kids were looked after and belonged I think really helped.We still live in a small village where we know everyone ,kids say they hate it but it's been good for them.
Talking through things, letting them know it's been a difficult day and we will come through it.
Not setting out an expectation that life is always easy ,it isn't but you can still have a laugh on bad day.
Having feelings,something I consciously changed from my childhood,you can be happy ,sad angry and you're still loved.
I talk about my family and their Dad in a realistic way, there is a lot of mental Ill health and how can we manage it differently.
It might sound odd but having that level of mental illness as part of your life makes you consider how to look after your mental health.
I have discussed and hopefully modelled having boundaries with others.
Helping them find a passion both are into the creative arts, again this has helped them find a flow in life.
Also when my daughter decided to not have contact with her Dad she spoke to a counsellor for a few sessions.
Basically being human is accepted,and although I wouldn't wish this on anyone my kids resilience has been built by surviving and thriving through adversity.
I do categorically want to say that I do not have the answers ,as I said it may just be luck. But having grown up in a family whose whole existence was mired in poor mental health .I'm trying to do it differently .

I think it is partly luck!

And temperament of the child

One thing I do notice is that it is kids who get a lot of pressure at home (to do well at school, to make the “right”friends, to be outgoing when naturally they are shy, to do 5 hobbies and sports and DoE etc) are more prone to anxiety.

It does sometimes amaze me how much parents try to control their teens lives. DH and I both worked in schools (DH still does) and seeing what parental pressure leads to made us quite hands-off with our own teenagers.

This did mean DS1 and DS2 not getting the grades they might have had with pushier parents

And them not doing DoE, for example (fancied doing NCS instead, which I think has less or even no status )

But mostly it is temperament and luck (also how lucky they are with their friendship groups)

Hope and pray and make it up as we go along is all we can do

To answer OP, I think resilience is built by letting them make decisions for themselves and dealing with the consequences. This includes making mistakes, and us not being a “snowplough parent”

DS1 is at cadets, and has had to deal with some unfair situations (being passed over for promotion due to admin error twice) but he handled it himself and has come out more confident. I did not get involved at all (though I really wanted to!!!)

I think it's just their personality, it can't be changed.

I too have always had inner confidence. Even in times of all my other failings, I always liked myself, knew I was a good person.

Not that Ds1 has the best mental health, but it's ok, and a lot lot better than most of his peers it would seem. It makes me so sad to hear of a lot of the girls having high anxiety not liking their bodies being frightened of not being pretty enough all the time, lots of self harming. the boys have high anxiety as well.

I try to teach Ds1 that there are peaks and troughs to life. Sometimes all is well, sometimes it's truely shit, but we must continue.

Ds2 is a totally different personality : has a sunny disposition and has never had a friendship problem.

I'm really not sure if you can ever help? But you can try! Help them to deal with friendship issues better, to step back and look at the bigger picture. To realise that in 3 months 'this will pass' and it won't seem so bad.

But can you ever really adjust inner self worth? A tiny bit? I'm not sure.

Sadly, Don't we resort back to our default in times of trouble?

No catastrophising at home - very few things are the end of the world and that goes for us as well as the kids. Time to do nothing - as long as their homework/revision is done - their time is their own. No pressure to do extra curricular activities - I'd like them to do one a week but that's it if they dont fancy it, no pressure to play an instrument, read, join other groups, do drama etc - all those hobbies that seem more important to parents than some kids.
Independence - they can go to the cinema, call for their friends, go into town, use public transport etc from a bit of a younger age than sometimes seem the norm on MN.
They know exactly where they stand with us, what we're strict about and what we might let slide.
I've 3 kids - 14,12 and 8. Two in post primary and one in primary.

Neither of mine use social media (their choice). They have always done masses of extra-curricular activities (Scouts, Guides, drama, sports, DofE), again, their choice. This allows lots of one to one time in the car with one of us for private talking.

They have been fortunate with friendships and not really encountered bullying. They have been fortunate with their school settings, all their schools have been good with pastoral care. Both had their SENs identified before they caused any major mental health problems. We have been lucky in forming close friendship groups with other parents locally which has meant I've always had people to share concerns and tips with and the children have a set of safe houses they can go to if they need to. I suffer with mild anxiety so I have strategies which I share with them if they show signs of stress. A lot of it is luck to be honest. I know it could still happen out of the blue and am very watchful for signs.

My job is in mental health with teenagers.

I would say the biggest themes I've seen for teenagers with good mental health are:
For girls, being involved in team sports.
Having multiple options of friendship groups to draw on (so friends at school and via a hobby, for example).
Having predictable routines in their lives, and parents who react predictably.
Having multiple options of reliable adults to talk to (so parents and grandparents, or parents and involved teachers).

Obviously the biggy for anyone is having a good attachment formed with a caregiver in early life. Assuming most of the dc of parents on a parenting website have this, then your dc are much, much better off than many kids.

It is luck.

I have 2 girls, both raised the same, both loved, both similar in character, both have many friends, attended air cadets, did sport, walked the dog, independent, confident young ladies - and both have used social media , mobile phone etc

One of my girls has had MH issues on and off since puberty, the other has not.

Mine are pretty good. 17 and 13 year old. Had rough times and out the other side. I think I learnt what not to do from my mum. Mine are both high achievers and we value effort not results.

But I think some of it is circumstances as well. I was lucky enough to change what I do so I'm around a lot and we've had times when I've been significantly worried about them (dd bullied and ds had health issues that probably had some anxiety related to it) and we've supported them through it.

Resilience has nothing to do with mental health. Many kids with poor mental health have amazing resilience.

There is nothing wrong with having poor mental health. We all have our ups and downs physically and mentally. Trying to engineer perfect teen years will cause quite the reverse.

Ultimately how severe your teen’s mental health is down to outside factors. All the perfect parenting in the land won’t stop teens struggling with the aftermath of bullying, death and other major life events.

Most teens I know wouldn’t give a thank you for scouts or activities engineered by mum. Scouts attended when a tween really won’t do much for a miserable teen. I don’t think parents can force DofE and other activities either. If a teen doesn’t want to do a 3 day hike they won’t do it. End of. I have 1 who loves that kind of thing and 1 that doesn’t. DofE has many benefits- volunteering, sport and experience with mates. The one that did it and the one that didn’t both benefitted.You don’t need to do DifE to do those things. None really had an impact on mental health.

I have 1 struggling teen and 1 not. Life events caused the struggles. Struggling teen is amazingly resilient and making progress. Not going to resolve overnight and why should it?

Stompy’s list is interesting but contains a lot that seems out of our hands.

We don’t live near any relatives.
The kids are not the gung-ho sort who like team sports (nor the sporty sort who would get on the teams!).
DP’s physical and mental health are variable, and thus so is the consistency of parenting. Mine too, to a lesser extent.

Hmm, lots to think about.

Warming their clothes and offering hugs sound more the sort of tips I can take on board.

My teens are fairly level headed and haven’t had too many problems.

I’ve tried to support them and direct them without being pushy. Allowed them to get ‘bored’ and find their own interests and then helped them develop that interest by supplying equipment etc. I think if you have a hobby/interest then you have a way to relax.

Given them as much ‘adult free’ time as is safe ie not constantly hovering over them. This allows them to trust themselves and problem solve, not look for outside help.

Within all that I’ve made it clear I will help them with anything and to talk to me.

I’m not saying it has worked perfectly - we all have good and bad days - but my adult children are happy and have moved out and become independent and are getting on ok.

I agree. Most teens are completely unappreciative.

My eldest is difficult, and almost cold hearted. I doubt anything I could ever do will change that!

My DS is not a teen yet so I can't comment but within my own family I think it is a combination of luck, personality and life events. My DSister is very anxious and has been like that since she was a child. It is just her personality. My parents were very hands off to the point of neglect but I've noted from friends that hands off is better than that very pushy/micro managing type of parenting. That seems to not help with anxiety. So I would say let them make their own mistakes and help them with their genuine interests.

You can be resilient and mentally ill at the same time. It's not a character flaw or personal weakness to become ill. And mental health/illness is far more complex than 'resilience'.

You can try to keep your child safe, but you can't necessarily protect them from trauma.

To pick another factor, a parent's personality, expectations of their child, reactions to their child (e.g. Feeling rejected because their child is more reserved than the parent), failure to recognise that their child might not experience the world the same way as the parent did or feel the same sense of pressure/isolation, etc etc etc can all affect a child's mental health.

Different children have different needs.

I absolutely agree with Sp11111ng that a struggling teenager with poor mental health may be exhibiting immense resilience just to keep going.

I'd say that applies to one of mine, who has depression and (sometimes severe) OCD. Just to get through the day is a challenge, and one that his siblings don't have to meet. He says he would have so much more time to do great things if he didn't have to fight against himself first.

Oops, sorry, this was meant to be a thread of tips about kids with great MH!

I think emotional health and mental health are different.

Resilience has nothing to do with mental health. Many kids with poor mental health have amazing resilience.

I think both these are true, which is why I feel I still have something to contribute to this thread even though my eldest has had poor mental health since childhood (hereditary in our family).

She does however have enormous resilience. I would say also very good emotional health, in the sense that she is level-headed, very good at distinguishing between the symptoms of her illness and actual injustice/hardships, has a great sense of humour and very good social skills. She is good at spotting abusive behaviour and also has high standards for her own behaviour.

I am very glad of that as it seems to me that those are the things that we might to some extent have been able to influence as parents.

Reliable adults to talk to and parents reacting predictably has been mentioned above, and I think those are very important.

Team sports have not been possible- a child who is sometimes in a wheelchair and sometimes able to dance doesn't really fit in anywhere in the world of sports- but youth theatre has filled the same function.

Not catastrophising has been particularly important as some pretty grim things have happened. Modelling calm and self control, at the same time as openness, has made a big difference. If things are difficult, knowing that your parents are tough enough that you don't have to spare them makes a big difference.

Also staying calm in the face of perceived injustices and not encouraging hard-done-by attitudes. (Youth theatre is really helpful for this, as there will always be somebody who gets cast in the role your offspring thinks they should have had)

Encourage independence definitely, and not only in practical things but also by helping them work through their relationships and other problems, listening and asking what they think might work best rather than telling them. Sharing strategies, as someone said earlier, rather than trying to sort things out.

Also staying calm in the face of perceived injustices and not encouraging hard-done-by attitudes. (Youth theatre is really helpful for this, as there will always be somebody who gets cast in the role your offspring thinks they should have had)

How true...

I'm never sure, though, quite where the balance lies between being sympathetic and allowing openness of feelings while not encouraging moping and self-pity.

A family we know well are very loving, open, kind, generous, warm and sympathetic -- and their teenagers really seem to struggle if anyone's attitude to them falls short of that ideal.

This is so helpful everyone - thank you.

And apologies to those who didn't like my use of the word resilient/mental versus emotional health. Hopefully you get the gist of what I am asking - I wasn't trying to offend.

My emotional health has always been good and I think it was down to having a fairly relaxed but supportive home. Perhaps I was also lucky in that school work and friendships were never too problematic (which was out of my parents' control).

I do remember feeling very anxious about sport - ridiculously so. I would have done ANYTHING to avoid swimming contests and remember feeling very panicky about them.