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Original poster

I have never felt as bad about myself as I do now. I am so lonely.

29 replies

DeckChairSunHat · 28/01/2020 19:18

I am so lonely :(

I am 33. I had a boyfriend when I was 17 but I've been single since I was 19.

Since I turned 25, I have tried

  • the gym
  • photography classes
  • park run
  • language classes
  • OLD

Nothing has stuck. I've just been ghosted again and I feel utterly bereft. What is wrong with me? I have nice teeth and good skin. I am thin. I have a degree. I hold down a job. I'm not perfect but FFS I am no different to anyone else :(

OP posts:
LtGreggs · 28/01/2020 19:23

There is nothing wrong with you Flowers It's just bad luck.

What do you do for work? Are you out and about around folk in general (your hobby list sounds like yes)

LuvMyBoyz · 28/01/2020 19:24

You ARE just like everyone else There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s definitely something wrong with someone who ghosts. Keep going. There are people out there for you. Walking groups saved me. Join in with Walk 1000 miles on Facebook and get out there.

Likethebattle · 28/01/2020 19:24

You seem to focus on your looks. Looks are just packaging, what have you got going under being thin with nice teeth?

morrisseysquif · 28/01/2020 19:26

When you say nothing has stuck, what do you mean? How were you ghosted, could you share so people could help?
I am sorry you are feeling so low.

BritneyPeedOnALadybug · 28/01/2020 19:28

In exactly the same position as you OP, including age. Placemarking for interest. Flowers

darkskydarkening · 28/01/2020 19:38

My ex-Bil - who is almost 50 - has never had a girlfriend since school. He is perfectly normal looking, fit, a genuinely nice bloke, intelligent. He does kinda walk around like he is apologising for his own existence though. I think his only problem is how he presents himself. If someone could coach him out of that I am sure he woudl find someone. He'd make a great partner.
Maybe you could ask a friend to give you a genuinely honest assessment of why they think you haven't been successful. Maybe, like BIL, there is something that could be relatively easily fixed.

Original poster
DeckChairSunHat · 28/01/2020 19:40

I've been trying OLD since I was 26. Gone on around 40 first dates, maybe more. There were a few men I liked; either they lost interest or blamed 'circumstances'.

I do get out and about, but worryingly, my social circle is decreasing rapidly because people are all paired up and having babies.

What can I really say about myself? I can do small talk fairly well. I'm more of a listener than a talker, but I can be quite quick witted and make people laugh. I work in a big office (civil servant) with men and women, but there's never been much of a social scene and I don't particularly want to get involved with anyone I work with.

Thank you for the kind words. They're so appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
DeckChairSunHat · 28/01/2020 19:42

He does kinda walk around like he is apologising for his own existence though. I think his only problem is how he presents himself.

I am worried that I am falling down this path though. I am so rapidly losing confidence. I also worry that I'm getting set in my ways.

OP posts:
LtGreggs · 28/01/2020 19:53

Chin up & keep on.

What hobbies/activities are you doing that you enjoy most? (Hopefully you are not doing stuff just purely to meet guys??) Can you set yourself a challenge, or a new thing to try in a similar vein?

I read a thread on here where someone had the idea of of learning about one new topic a month for a year (the French revolution, ice hockey, orchids, cryptic crosswords, whatever) - try that, and start a conversation a week about your topic?

Have you asked your friends about friends-of-friends, or have any groups you are a hit on the edge of but interested in - could you force yourself to put yourself out there a bit more?

All sounds a bit forced written down. But what I'm trying to get at is that it just takes meeting one extra person - and one time that person will be a potential partner.

fromagefreak · 28/01/2020 19:58

Have you tried meetup.com - it's more for making friends in your area with similar interests than for romance but it would be a good way of socialising more with like minded people and widening your circle and feeling less lonely. You sound lovely so I'm sure you just need to get out and meet more people.

Butterymuffin · 28/01/2020 20:01

Being ghosted just takes a coward to do it. It doesn't say anything about the person on the receiving end, unless you're one of the stalker-type blokes people sometimes post about on here, which I don't imagine you are Smile

You sound nice, funny, worth knowing. You've just been unlucky as a pp said. Only takes once to break that.

Original poster
DeckChairSunHat · 28/01/2020 20:03

I enjoy loads of things. I haven't been doing things just to meet men but there are some things I've been putting off because I'm sure they'll be all women (calligraphy class and water aerobics Grin )

I am embarrassed about asking friends. I know that sounds daft. I just feel I am barely holding it all together and I won't be able to talk about it without breaking down and wailing Blush

OP posts:
UnleashTheFury · 28/01/2020 20:05

Bit random saying you have ‘nice teeth and skin’ as though that entitles you to a boyfriend 😕

Original poster
DeckChairSunHat · 28/01/2020 20:07

Look, it's come to the point where I'd shave all my hair off if that entitled me to a boyfriend!

OP posts:
LtGreggs · 28/01/2020 20:11

I say good for you with your teeth and skin Grin. Go for broke - add a haircut some decent clothes and a smile Grin

If the OP was going on about what a disaster case her appearance was, the first thing everyone would be doing is saying 'oh I'm sure you look fine', followed by 'get a haircut and take some pride in your grooming'...

MrsSiba · 28/01/2020 20:17

But having nice teeth and skin helps and if OP hadn't mentioned it, I can guarantee a post about how she presents to the world would have come up lots of times.

I would say work on your confidence and keep that up at all times. If you don't love yourself, you can't expect anyone else to.

And as hard as it sounds, try asking a trusted friend to be honest with you and tell you how other people see you. I wish I had done that. I never realised I put up such a wall and came across as a bit detached and unapproachable.

Good luck. It will happen for you. You sound interesting and lovely 🙂

MrsSiba · 28/01/2020 20:18

LtGreggs great minds......

Craftycorvid · 28/01/2020 20:25

I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but use this time to do the things you want to do for yourself that might not be possible in a committed relationship. Do them for you. If you approach every hobby or interest as a way to meet a partner, you are liable to feel disappointed - also it may be apparent to others that’s what you are doing. You are young. Being ‘settled’ isn’t the be all and end all. Some flaky blokes will ghost their dates and it’s more of a reflection on them than on you. However, if you want to look more deeply at your patterns of attraction and attachment, a course of therapy might be useful.

butwhateverfor · 28/01/2020 21:22

Which dating sites did you use and what are you looking for? If you want to get married and start a family, Tinder won't be right for that, most likely Smile

RightEarlobeBreath · 28/01/2020 21:45

Is no one going to say the obvious?

You might be boring or have a not so great personality. Not meant as an insult because I bore a lot of people myself!

Knobblybobbly · 28/01/2020 21:49

Marriage with children really isn’t any better than being single. It’s just different. And it’s very often lonely and shit.

Or I might just be in a bit of a shitty marriage.

Actually, don't listen to me.

darkskydarkening · 29/01/2020 13:27

Is no one going to say the obvious?

You might be boring or have a not so great personality. Not meant as an insult because I bore a lot of people myself!

Well, no because I know have known many great single women in their 40's /50s who are interesting and have great personalities.

@Knobblybobbly your post made me laugh out loud! I think you might be my soul sister! Or maybe we are just living parallel lives! Grin

Quirrelsotherface · 29/01/2020 14:53

I think you've bizarrely hit a nerve with some people by saying you have nice skin and teeth! Confused. I can only imagine we have a few toothless knarly trolls on here. Good for you, you obviously have some confidence in yourself.

Use those teeth and look up and smile. Fake it till you make it.

Knobblybobbly · 29/01/2020 17:34

@darkskydarkening lol! Hey there soul sister!!

Meruem · 29/01/2020 17:49

I don't think there is anything wrong with you but it's the case that the dating scene is brutal now. I also think many people aren't looking to "settle down" now until their mid to late 30's (men especially so). That is somewhat of a generalisation I know but I do think it's the case moreso now than in years gone by.

I know you said you don't really want to date anyone you work with, but people I know have had a lot more luck doing that than relying on something like OLD.