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Original poster

DP’s sister living with us

31 replies

Lostkeyagain · 27/01/2020 19:32

DP’s younger sister split from her DH and asked to stay with us. We have a joint mortgage on a 2 bed maisonette. Of course we said yes.

That was 9 months ago. She hasn’t offered to contribute financially, but does cook a meal for us all several times a week. It turns out she was in a lot of debt and has been working really hard to pay it off and is doing really well.

But DP and I also have debts and I feel uncomfortable when she tells me how much she’s paid off. (I would have no debts either if I lived rent free with heating, internet etc on tap. It would do wonders for our finances!) I get on well with her but do miss having a spare room and our own space. She also has a new boyfriend who she keeps inviting to stay over.

Things aren’t helped by DP constantly remarking how generous she is for cooking, and he buys her things / meals to say thank you! He doesn’t seem to realise that we are already doing her a big favour. I don’t know how to raise this as DP’s sister is lovely and had a really horrible time last year. If I do say anything at all DP gets very defensive.

I guess I’m just looking for perspective as I would just like her to pay her way - she’s 33 and an adult - but need to know if I’m unreasonable and advice on how to broach it.

OP posts:

Standrewsschool · 27/01/2020 19:35

I think you need The Talk.

Maybe look on sparerooms.co.uk to see how much people are charging for renting out rooms, and then it from there, perhaps with discount as she is your sister.

Talk to dp and then have a family discussion. If she doesn’t like it, she can look somewhere else to live!

Iloveacurry · 27/01/2020 19:35

Yes she should be paying you something for rent. You’re paying for the extra electric, gas, water, etc, she should be contributing. Is she paying for her own food?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2020 19:39

For a start, the new man can’t be staying over loads, has she even asked if that’s okay?

When she moved in what did you discuss about how long the arrangement would last?

She’s rubbing your nose in it about debt repayments, whether she’s knows that or not, so you’re right to be increasingly hacked off. But your DP is the issue and I don’t know how you tackle him...

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Elouera · 27/01/2020 19:39

You and OH need to draw up a plan for her to pay you rent! I can't believe this has gone on 9mths for free!!! I'd be pissed off at the lack of our spare room, plus a 4th adult staying over too! Her debts are not yours to pay or solve. Suggest she moves in with boyfriend if not happy paying rent. OR, maybe an ultimatum of x amount of months before she needs to move out.

My SIL moved back to the family home with OH and 2 kids. That was 7yrs ago and she now has 3 kids and no plans to ever move out!

Original poster

Lostkeyagain · 27/01/2020 19:58

It would be about £600 a month plus bills if we charged her market rent! I view her as family so I wouldn’t expect her to pay anything like that - but as a minimum I’d like her to offer, and as a maximum contribute £200 or so a month to help with bills.

We don’t want to encourage her to move in with boyfriend, she needs more time to get over her split with DH. We also do want to be there to support her emotionally. So I’m torn about what to do for the best as don’t want to push her away.

It’s just that when she moved in it was to help her after the split. I had no idea that we would be supporting her financially for so long.

OP posts:

TARSCOUT · 27/01/2020 20:00

I lasted 6 weeks with my BIL and then I found him somewhere to live. Didn't discuss with DP. I wanted my home back.

Aridane · 27/01/2020 20:02

New man shouldn't be staying over - that's a bit cheeky

How much is she spending on feeding you?

Mummaofmytribe · 27/01/2020 20:08

She has to make a financial contribution and start working on an exit plan. This needn't be done harshly: as you say, she's had a rotten time.
But she's had 9 months of assistance, which hardly anyone would get!
I'd speak to her directly. Point out how glad you are to have been able to help, but things are getting tight for you financially and youre happy to help her in the search for her own digs.
Surely you can't be painted as mean if you do it like that.
If that approach fails, I'd be suggesting DP move out with her.
Your kindness is now being taken advantage of.

rookiemere · 27/01/2020 20:11

OP you need to speak to your DH, but before you do, you need to be really clear about what you want.

Are you prepared for her to stay longer if she pays rent - if so £200 a month is more than generous. If you want her to move out then that's also pretty reasonable after this length of time - particularly when she feels entitled enough to basically move her BF in as well.

Doing the cooking is nice, but the least she should be doing for rent free accommodation and your DH is a mug to buy her presents for doing it. Sounds like he has been conditioned to look after her even though she's an adult.

I actually think she's being incredibly selfish and rude. I'd start looking at cheap bed sits in the area and tell your DH either she needs to have a plan for moving out or you will.

cakeandchampagne · 27/01/2020 20:13

It is (past) time for her to find her own place.

HollowTalk · 27/01/2020 20:16

I would say that her boyfriend can't stay over; she should stay at his house then to give you some space. Why should you have to put up with two others in the house?

I think she should be paying at least £300 per month - it has to be saving her money and worth it for you, financially. It's just not on that she's paying off her debts while your bills are increasing as a result of her living there.

katy1213 · 27/01/2020 20:24

You're making it far too comfortable for her. For a start, it is incredibly cheeky to think she can entertain her boyfriend in your home.
You need to establish a very clear exit plan and meanwhile a minimum contribution of £400-500 for her room, plus extra for food. Why should she be living free of charge? You can offer emotional support once she's nicely set up in a bedsit of her own.

mummmy2017 · 27/01/2020 20:27

Tell your DP that you would like to save more.
Because she is his sister and he wants her to stay, you feel he should now shoulder her share of the housing cost.
Tell him your willing to pay 50/50 on the mortgage but he can now take on 2/3 of the other bills.
That you will then leave it up to him about her paying.
Also start talking about missing sex in the kitchen, and nude dinners. Remind him what it was like before you lost the freedom.

BlouseAndSkirt · 27/01/2020 20:34

Does she have an exit plan? Or is she just planning to stay indefinitely?

I think it is not reasonable that your DH expects you to pay half her hot water / washing machine cycles etc for months in end. She is actually increasing your bills! Does she eat your food, apart from the meals she cooks?

timeisnotaline · 27/01/2020 20:36

The biggest things are Dh thinking it’s amazing she cooks, and your expenses being up. I’d explain to dh that you don’t think it amazing that an adult is a functional person and could he stop treating his sister cooking dinner as the second coming? He isn’t grateful for all the things you do and it makes you angrier every day. She will have to leave next time he buys her a present for being able to cook a meal as it is making you feel increasingly unappreciated.
Also, it is deeply unfair that she is costing you more when you have debts and being able to save so much. Appreciate doing her a favour but she needs to be able to cover her costs. Darling sister, we are so glad we’ve been able to help you pick yourself up, but we need to be able to save more for the next stage of our life and instead it’s costing us more to have you here. And either pay x or move out by date y, whichever is your solution. Would dp be happy to pay Rh w same amount for 9 months plus gratitude and presents to one of your siblings?

AlexaAmbidextra · 27/01/2020 20:57

I just don’t understand how functioning adults think it’s acceptable to live off someone else’s dollar like this. She knows it costs money to live. Who does she think pays for the electricity, water, food that she uses? And now the boyfriend too. I think you’ve been a saint tbh to put up with a cuckoo in the nest for this long. Fair enough just a couple of months to find somewhere else but it seems as though she thinks this is a permanent arrangement.

You need to have a strong word with your DP and tell him it’s time she went elsewhere. I wouldn’t be asking for rent because if you do this I think it’ll give her carte blanche to stay indefinitely.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2020 21:09

Shes 33. I thought you were going to say 23 and married young! She’s being incredibly selfish. Yes, work on her exit plan. And no more having the bf over. She’s contributing nothing. So why on Earth are you expected to contribute even more for him on top of her. What an insult to you.

ffswhatnext · 27/01/2020 21:23

Tell him you've been looking over the bills and she either needs to start paying or you are going to have to get a lodger. You're getting deeper into debt because of subsidising another adult. Yes it's nice having a couple of meals cooked a week, but they aren't exactly free, and whose ingredients is she using?

Elouera · 27/01/2020 21:23

I'd look back at water, electric bill etc from a year ago when she didnt live there. Add up the difference over the 9mths and make it clear to OH that you BOTH have been spending this extra money for her to live rent free off you! Maybe money will shake some sense into him?

FabbyChix · 27/01/2020 21:47

I moved in with my sister two months ago. We don’t split bills because they was paying them before and besides they would then be making money off me. Instead I give them a token amount of £50 a week for that though my sister feeds me. I don’t buy food that’s part of their shop if I want anything specific I buy it. I also buy my own milk, coffee and sugar as they don’t use sugar or coffee and we have different milk. We take it in turns to buy toilet roll. I also buy a take away every few weeks. I don’t ever cook though. I do share housework as I’ve a broken wrist so I do all the chores.

FabbyChix · 27/01/2020 21:52

Sorry I should have said I am not working as have a broke wrist. When I do work I will pay £300 a month.

Original poster

Lostkeyagain · 27/01/2020 22:25

To be fair to her she does buy most of the main fresh ingredients for the food and sometimes a bottle of wine.

OP posts:

Howyiz · 27/01/2020 22:30

As others have said you need to get your husband on board first and then a 'we were happy to help you get back in your feet' chat. Failing that, when she is debt free can she take over the mortgage so that ye can pay off your debts apart, because that would be fair, wouldn't it?
As for Fabbychix you should absolutely be paying part of the rent/bills they aren't making a profit off of you, you would be sharing living costs. Why would you think you should be subsidised? Have you had a broken wrist for 2 months?

Bluerussian · 27/01/2020 22:35

You sound really kind and it is good that you are helping your sister in law but nine months? Nine weeks would be long enough for most people.

Please do speak to her gently about finding a place of her own and also say you find having her boyfriend staying over regularly a bit awkward. You're a young couple in a two bed and you need your space.

I'm sure she'll understand, she's probably very grateful for your help so far and wants to maintain good relations with you.

You must get your husband on board though.

Sally872 · 27/01/2020 22:37

I would be annoyed if SIL lived with me for free and spent all her money socialising. Paying off debt is step before moving out, if she is working towards that then that would be enough for me.

I wouldn't charge her rent and pay off my debt due to her split. If she wasn't being sensible I would charge rent and save it for her but as she is I would leave things as they are. It's fine to make sure you aren't out of pocket due to her living there but no more. (In my opinion, but our siblings are very close and I trust would do the same for me)

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