DP’s sister living with us

[Lostkeyagain]

DP’s younger sister split from her DH and asked to stay with us. We have a joint mortgage on a 2 bed maisonette. Of course we said yes.

That was 9 months ago. She hasn’t offered to contribute financially, but does cook a meal for us all several times a week. It turns out she was in a lot of debt and has been working really hard to pay it off and is doing really well.

But DP and I also have debts and I feel uncomfortable when she tells me how much she’s paid off. (I would have no debts either if I lived rent free with heating, internet etc on tap. It would do wonders for our finances!) I get on well with her but do miss having a spare room and our own space. She also has a new boyfriend who she keeps inviting to stay over.

Things aren’t helped by DP constantly remarking how generous she is for cooking, and he buys her things / meals to say thank you! He doesn’t seem to realise that we are already doing her a big favour. I don’t know how to raise this as DP’s sister is lovely and had a really horrible time last year. If I do say anything at all DP gets very defensive.

I guess I’m just looking for perspective as I would just like her to pay her way - she’s 33 and an adult - but need to know if I’m unreasonable and advice on how to broach it.

Sally872 I know you said you wouldn't in this case, but charging rent and keeping it to hand back is what you do for young adult DCs not for a grown woman. The issue here is that DH seems to see it as his duty to house his adult and perfectly capable of getting her own room sister at the expense of his wife's feelings and joint finances.

Alternatively, start having loud sex again (are you even having sex?). Make it so she WANTS to move out! 😉

Comparing year on year bills is a good idea, it's concrete. And then say you'll be paying 1.3 from Jan 2020 onwards and she needs to find somewhere to live now.

You are treating her like she's between 18-24 by saying you it's too early for her to move in with her BF. It may be, but she's a fully grown adult and she can choose her own life. Right now she's treating you like wealthy parents after finishing university, and you're neither, but also treat her like you are!

Have a proper conversation with your dp about it to try to be on the same page. If he is adamant he doesn't want her to pay rent though then this will cause problems

@rookiemere OP seems supportive of helping SIL through this time, concerned she doesn't move in with boyfriend and instead gets over marriage split. Apprectiates the cooking and gets ok well enough. She just is a bit jealous SIL is paying of debts when she would be able to do living rent free and misses the room a bit. If OP couldn't stand the arrangement or it was costing them a fortune then if course her feeling should be considered but that doesnt seem to be the case.

9 months is a long time and Op has been very patient and kind. As long as I could see SIL working towards being self sufficient I would keep going. May be worth discussing time lines if helpful.

Yikes - she needs to start paying her way!

Myself & DH are going to be moving in with my parents next year for a bit to try & save a bit more for our deposit - we will be giving my comfortable mortgage free parents £600 a month as well as cooking for them regularly!! This is still more than half of what we pay on rent so really appreciate them taking us in - it is a huge help!

I moved back in with my folks when I was 22 after being abroad for a few years travelling - as soon as I got a job I was giving them money - at that time I wasn't making much money so used to just give them about £150 a month - but was still contributing something

She's having a laugh that sister - she needs to pay her way - it is crap that her marriage broke down, but you have done enough to help her get back on her feet.

If you or husband don't actually want her to pay rent, it could be suggested to her that she contribute to the bills. It would probably work out the same but the subtle difference counts for a lot.

i can imagine, in her position, saying to a friend, "My brother and sister in law were so good, they put me u and never charged me a penny except asking for contribution towards the bills", and feeling quite pleased about it.