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Original poster

Husband called me fat

72 replies

calistaraines · 26/01/2020 09:58

For context we often 'joke' with each other regarding our weight. For instance I'll call him tubby and he'll grab my 'rolls' etc.
We are comfortable with each other and 98% of the time we laugh it off.

Yesterday I was recalling a encounter with a new neighbour and I said to my husband 'i think she probably thought I was nice' and he followed back with 'just a bit fat'

I immediately went quite and definitely reacted moodily. I was making food at the time and was short with him. He asked what was wrong and I said I didn't like the fat comment.
His reply was that I can't change the goalposts now and that normally it doesn't bother me.

Well this evening i said it did. We couldn't argue as our children had friends over but the evening ended with us sitting in different rooms and ignore each other.
This morning I tired to cuddle him and he is still being grumpy.
Am I in the wrong?
I honestly can't see how I am being the unreasonable one here.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 26/01/2020 12:42

12-14 is not fat. I'm a 16 and that probably is fat, but my dp wouldn't dream of mentioning it. That would be cruel and hurtful and he loves me too much to hurt me.

WorraLiberty · 26/01/2020 12:44

MissingMySleep, the OP has a different relationship with her DH.

WorraLiberty · 26/01/2020 12:47

12-14 is not fat.

No because it's a dress size but people who wear that size can obviously be fat, depending on their height and frame.

Beautiful3 · 26/01/2020 12:49

You need to think, is it ok for us both to make jokes about each others physical appearance or not? Either it's okay for you both, or it's not. If you decide you no longer want to do this, then tell him and stick to it.

NoWordForFluffy · 26/01/2020 13:10

I don't think you get to call him tubby as a joke and then get arsey if he calls you fat. It's rather hypocritical.

And how people look at a certain size all depends on height and build. I'm 5'11" but at size 14, I look quite chunky, purely because of my build and how I carry weight.

It's not possible to say 12-14 isn't fat, because it absolutely can be.

dontgobaconmyheart · 26/01/2020 13:12

I just find the relationships where adults 'banter' and insult each other like this really bizarre- it smacks of an inability to communicate properly and in meaningful ways and they're always so awkward to spend time with at parties etc where it seems to come out with bells on.

I'd just draw a line under it OP and stop speaking to each other in negative 'affectionate' ways full stop. Find other ways to have fun or flirt and the issue is solved. It's not as though he was ever actually fully joking when he made 'fat jokes' before is it- they're all cut from the same cloth and don't come from nowhere. How is that ever a positive? Jokingly pointing out 'rolls' is still pointing out rolls - very weird behaviour in a relationship.

At a 12-14 you are not fat, nothing good will come out of speaking to one another this way IMO.

DishingOutDone · 26/01/2020 13:21

Yes the best thing we can do is to establish whether the OP is fat, by whoever's standards, and therefore deserved it .... Hmm

WorraLiberty · 26/01/2020 13:31

I don't think anyone is saying she deserved it but that she moved the goalposts.

And some are obviously pointing out that it's ridiculous to argue no-one can be fat at that size, or most other sizes really.

boatyIII · 26/01/2020 13:38

A UK size 12-14 IS fat/overweight, but that's irrelevant here, OPs DH was right in that she moved the goalposts.

Time to stop making comments about each other's weight.

joystir59 · 26/01/2020 13:39

Lose the excess few pounds and then both stop making fatist jokes at each other's expense.

KatherineJaneway · 26/01/2020 13:39

The thing is you called him fat as a joke yourself so it is double standards. That's what tubby means. Just because he used the F word and not a word like 'plump' doesn't mean he wasn't joking and was making a dig.

WorraLiberty · 26/01/2020 13:54

Boaty that would depend on height. If someone was taller than average, then it probably wouldn't be.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/01/2020 14:18

12-14 is slim

I disagree personally, at that size I would definitely be fat and over a healthy bmi. It’s all to do with height etc.

Maybe you both need to stop with the comments and focus on being healthy and losing weight given you are sensitive now about it. If you move the goalposts without him knowing you can’t really take offence.

NoWordForFluffy · 26/01/2020 14:34

Yes the best thing we can do is to establish whether the OP is fat, by whoever's standards, and therefore deserved it ....

Except nobody said that. But what's good for the goose is good for the gander and if you don't want to be called fat by your partner, then you don't get to tell them they're fat. Either you're both allowed to say it or neither of you is. You don't get to move the goalposts without mentioning that's what you're doing and then get upset about him doing to you what you do to him.

Whether 12-14 is fat is a different - side - issue.

BuffaloCauliflower · 26/01/2020 14:57

@Plantainchips 😂 as I said in my other post I’m squishy, and I’m not slim, and by BMI I am a bit overweight (about 13lbs so) but I’m absolutely fine and definitely not fat. I’m in proportion and carry my weight evenly all over rather than having a big tummy or big bum, which helps. I’m also pretty healthy. I could lose half a stone and look a bit better, I’ve been bigger than this and looked worse. But on no scale would you look at me and think ‘fat’. I’m happy too, which is nice 🙂

WorraLiberty · 26/01/2020 16:14

How can you be 'not slim' and a stone overweight but not fat?

It's a genuine question btw. Perhaps people have different ideas of what fat means?

fantasmasgoria1 · 26/01/2020 16:22

I'm a 12 and am slim but I am 5ft 8. But I have known shorter people that have been a 12 and still looked slim! Mil is 5ft and a 14 and she is a little overweight but doesn't look actually fat.

BuffaloCauliflower · 26/01/2020 16:32

@WorraLiberty I carry the stone well I guess. I think slim and fat do mean different things so different people. I have a clear waist, but I’m definitely squishy and have some chub. I would say I’m average, not too big or too small, medium sized. A stone heavier I was fat. A century ago I’m sure I would have been fat, I think there’s a cultural aspect to it as what’s considered big definitely has changed I’ll grant you.

WorraLiberty · 26/01/2020 16:47

Ahh ok, yes I think it does mean different things to different people.

'Chub' to me means fat but to others it'll mean something else.

misspiggy19 · 26/01/2020 16:49

I don't think you get to call him tubby as a joke and then get arsey if he calls you fat. It's rather hypocritical.

^I agree. OP is a hypocrite. And precious at that.

Newmetoday · 26/01/2020 19:47

buffalocauliflower

I’m 5ft 3 and when I’m a size 12, I feel fat. I can pinch far more than an inch and I have a belly

Andylion · 26/01/2020 20:11

OP, do you and your DH ever use the word "fat" when you tease each other? Is it that that word is less "cute" and cuddly than the word "tubby"?

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