Husband called me fat

[calistaraines]

For context we often 'joke' with each other regarding our weight. For instance I'll call him tubby and he'll grab my 'rolls' etc.
We are comfortable with each other and 98% of the time we laugh it off.

Yesterday I was recalling a encounter with a new neighbour and I said to my husband 'i think she probably thought I was nice' and he followed back with 'just a bit fat'

I immediately went quite and definitely reacted moodily. I was making food at the time and was short with him. He asked what was wrong and I said I didn't like the fat comment.
His reply was that I can't change the goalposts now and that normally it doesn't bother me.

Well this evening i said it did. We couldn't argue as our children had friends over but the evening ended with us sitting in different rooms and ignore each other.
This morning I tired to cuddle him and he is still being grumpy.
Am I in the wrong?
I honestly can't see how I am being the unreasonable one here.

Me and dh joke with each other as we have both gained and are on a healthy lifestyle kick to sort ourselves out.
We jest with each other like you two do by the sounds of it ie tubby etc etc.

If dh had said that to me I would have laughed and said wait till they meet you
It's our humour.
I do think if you have bantered about weight size etc and then you suddenly get upset by a comment you have moved the goal posts op.
He's probably sulking because he feels abit shit that it upset you as well as annoyed as it's not normally an issue.

When it starts upsetting one of you, you know it's time to stop with the "jokes".

Honestly my first thought was that he said that as a dig because he's not happy with your weight. Otherwise why even THINK to say something like that?

I'm 10-12 and 5''2 and I look fat, apparently. People guess my weight at 2-3st heavier than I am.

I’m 5’ 5 and when I was a size 12 (currently a 16, working to change that!) I looked good, just a bit of a squishy belly. I wasn’t fat.

I think him using the word ‘fat’ was pretty blunt and I’d be upset but you call him tubby so he obviously thought that type of joke was okay. Maybe you both need to stop making cracks about each other’s appearance.

When people joke about each other and then say it was a joke, they are lying. It’s alway the truth disguised as a joke.
You say you are probably twice the size you used to be ..that’s quite a massive change in body weight.

YABU. I completely agree with his statement re your changing the goal posts.

Perhaps you both need a rethink and to stop calling each other 'fat' names and grabbing each other's fatty bits. Have some respect for yourselves.

You did move the goalposts OP. Stop calling each other fat.

I can see the difference between messing around while hugging etc and a sudden comment out of the blue like that which bears no relevance to the conversation. Weird thing to say.

Well if you're size 12-14 then I highly doubt your neighbour was thinking ''a bit fat'' so for him to claim that the neighbour was thinking that is a bit gaslighty.

I'm only 5'1 and size 12 and I do feel I'd prefer to lose 7 pounds but even then, being small, I don't feel fat and if I did, I give myself permission because Im not over eating and I'm not contractually obliged to be size 10 and I'm allowed to age.

I would shut down the jokes about you being ''fat'' cos 1) you're not, and 2) they hurt you and 3) it sounds a bit like he's keeping you in your place a bit.

It's ok to change the goalposts! say ''yes, let's do that, let's change the goalposts''

I’m 5”2 and a size 12. I’m not fat
Honestly, you probably are. Being short and a size 12/14 pretty much always put someone in the “overweight” category. Sizes don’t tell us if we are overweight or not because it all depends on height /ethnicity/ abdominal weight etc.

Either way, Op I’m sorry your husband comments hurt. I think it’s different to his other comments because he’s suggesting it’s from someone not in the joke , a stranger ? Maybe explain that to him & consider no longer joking about each other’s weights.

5ft 2 and size 12 does not equal fat. I was that size and height and had a v healthy BMI.

The OP says she's a bit fat and presumably she's the only one here who's seen her naked? So her dress size and other people's is irrelevant.

We can all have rolls no matter what size we are.

So you are ok with calling your husband 'tubby' but not with him calling you 'fat' . If you can't take it, don't dish it out.

But he wasn't calling her fat, he was telkibg her the neighbour would have been thinking she was fat. That's a shitty thing to say.

Yes but given the way the OP says they joke together, I'm assuming that's what it was, except this time she wasn't in the mood?

Hard to tell really as other people's relationships can be odd to outsiders.

Don't dish it out if you can't take it.

It's acceptable for you to call him tubby but you don't like it when the tables are turned!

I think but may be wrong but it was the fact that he had changed it slightly by talking about someone outsides perspective, you are fine with the joke when it is inside the bubble of your relationship because you have love and history and safety and affection for each other etc but that doesn't mean you would like to think of the rest of the world having that opinion or to think he or you would comment that the rest of the world would view you or him like that.
Or even that he would really think that's how the world sees you.
In other words it didn't feel like an affectionate ribbing but a statement that he believes that and so does the rest of the world.

is that maybe right?

Ginkypig that's how I read it too.

Fuck me 12-14 is not plus size .

Why were you trying to cuddle him this morning when he was such an arse after the comment?

""Last night just seemed so blunt and I think that is what annoyed me*"

I think I would.say to him that normally the joking with him about weight is affectionate in tone but this time, you felt that his tone was less affectionate and you are wondering if anything is wrong.

He may or may not tell you but it is worth asking. Also ask yourself are you really happy with the ' affectionate' fat teasing, is your DH?. It is.oossoble.onw of you is finding this less funny, so maybe a rethink on it is due

Hm, there seems to be something different in joking between one another and deliberately undermining your feeling you’d struck up a rapport with the new neighbour. The first is on an equal footing, the second is out-of-context and cutting. It would bother me too.

Do you think on some level you're upset because you suspect that he is slightly ashamed of you? If he's guessing what he thinks is an outsiders view of you and it bothers him then that makes things a bit more upsetting.
Have a chat with him and be open about how you feel. Are you unhappy with your weight?
You both need to be sure your teasing is fun and not sly digs.

Her size is not relevant please lets not turn it into a size height and weight anecdotes 🙄 you joke about it and cal him tubby ffs.
Dont dish it if you cant take it!

Are you in thr U.K. or America op?

In the U.K. a twelve to a fourteen on a short person could be over weight, but clearly not on a tall person. In the states, you'd be a U.K. 16-18, which is more "plus sized" and a term more used in the states too

I also think you've changed the goal posts and he meant it as a joke, but obviously it hit a sore spot for you, you are upset that the neighbour might have been thinking you're fat. She won't have been thinking that. Well not unless she's a twat.

And I don't know how to say this, but if you are a bit fat. And I don't know if you are. Then people can see you. So they know you are. It's like getting upset that people might think you've blonde hair, when you're standing in front of them with blonde hair

Stop calling him tubby. Quit the fat jokes between you. Focus on your weight if it's making you unhappy.

Her size is not relevant

Of course it is. There is a world of difference between making a joke about slim person being fat, when they are not and have just gained weight from before, and saying it to someone who is actually over weight.

I am fat. Short and very large. If husband called me fat I'd hit the roof. I know it's the truth but no way would he say that.