Parenting moments no one tells you about

[GrumpyMug2]

I was just cutting my DS's fingernails and a nail clipping shot into my eye. So now I am sat here with a nail clipping in my eye that WILL NOT COME OUT.

Occasionally I feel it poking me in my eyeball but it is like the fucking Scarlet Pimpernel when I try to get it

Yes, the many and varied tears that exist other than perineal

Havibg to explain to a 2 year old why a woodlouse is unlikely to try and climb into their bum or foof while they're in the bath

Walking past your local, head full of fond memories of rowdy nights in their with your mates, when your feral toddler makes the Poo Face and you find yourself having to bag up a pavement poo in full sight of the Sunday afternoon customers...ahhh, good times

Explaining how easy potty training had been to a friend, only to glance over at ds who had just dropped trou and deposited a huge log on her kitchen floor.

They will head but you really hard in the nose at some point. Both mine have done this a couple of times, not on purpose, or when angry, just accidents

‘Mummy I’ve been a little bit sick’, at midnight.

There was a fucking lake of the stuff on her bedroom carpet 🤢.

Oh, and getting overexcited at the end of toddler group when singing ’Jingle Jangle Scarecrow’, flinging herself back and giving me a fat lip.

The feeling of triumph when I managed to get DD to pee behind a tree without getting it onto her tights or filling her shoes. Swiftly followed by the awful realisation that I had managed to direct her stream of wee completely into my handbag instead.

I remember being relieved when dc3 was sick on the dog rather than the carpet

Busy toilet with queue out the door, very curious almost 3 year old, 9 months pregnant with wet discharge.
"What's that in your pants mummy? Have you wet yourself? Dont worry, accidents happen. It just looks like a little dribble. I would help you change. Do you have spare pants? Mine have Thomas on them but they are not my favourite? I like Toy Story, woody is my best friend."

My 4 year old son loudly asking in public toilets if I was on my period that day and did I need a tampon? It came a few weeks after I'd explained why I had blood coming out of my foof.

Or when you have to take two toddlers in the loo with you and they both bend down to get a better look at you doing a wee (I always stand up to wee in public toilets).

My 5 yr old wet the bed a few nights ago, first time in ages. He was wearing fluffy pyjamas and the wee must have not really soaked in, as I pulled them carefully over his head a whole load of wee just flicked into my face.
So I was sat in the pitch black, wee all over my pyjamas (he had wet MY bed of course ) and wee dripping off my face!

The next night the oldest sat up and announced he was going to be sick- vomit after vomit after vomit and then his ear drum perforated. Yellow liquid oozing from his ear, extraordinary amounts on the pillow and down his neck. Again in MY bed of course.

Husband was working away, I told him he had done well picking that week to avoid the house!

I take my hat off to you, longcoffee. You’re a trooper!

Oh mum's these are so funny. Poo around the bath mat! I remember it well. The worrying thing is after a few kids you become so blaise and such an expert at how to sort these things.

The first time a child threw up all over the car seat was a joy to learn. Third child puking all over a hire car seat on holiday in Spain was a particular highlight. I was 'blessed' I had the skills by then to be able to strip and rebuild a seat in minutes!! The hot weather helped it to dry after I'd washed the puke off in the bidet. (I think I ended up having to wash it 3 times to get the smell out...possibly in shampoo or washing up liquid.

Driving along wondering why the car suddenly smelt like poo, look back at ds he had a really dirty look on his face.
Pulled over and saw he was wiping poo off his finger on to the window.

I couldn't stop laughing, his little face was hilarious!!!

Baby boners. You don't read about them in the baby books

Yes!! And it's not like you can Google it without ending up in some kind of watch list!!