Parenting moments no one tells you about

[GrumpyMug2]

I was just cutting my DS's fingernails and a nail clipping shot into my eye. So now I am sat here with a nail clipping in my eye that WILL NOT COME OUT.

Occasionally I feel it poking me in my eyeball but it is like the fucking Scarlet Pimpernel when I try to get it

My 2 year old did a massive long poo in the bath and threw it at me before I even new she’d done it, it took a couple of seconds to realise what it actually was, il never recover 🤢 her older brother has never gotten out of the bath so fast

never broke a bone in my life, until DS jumped on me in bed and cracked my nose with the back of his head and broke it....then did the same thing two weeks later and broke my nose again and i now have a massive notch in my nose...cheers kid👍🏻

Having to buy a clean shirt at lunchtime because you made the mistake of picking up baby to carry to nappy change whilst out in naice department store cafe ...

Five years of annual dental x-rays because your front crown hasn't been the same since a toddler headbutt.

Extracting a threadworm from your daughter's vagina with a cotton bud. That was a low point!

@TracyBeakerSoYeah Mrs Hooley is the most annoying person ever. So glad I never have to sit through that programme again. DanDTM is a welcome break compared to her

That what is their fav ever food one day they will decide they hate just as you buy it in bulk.
That you will be woken in the middle of the night by someone standing over you who will then proceed to tell you some random nonsense or announce they've just puked all over their bed and can you change it please.

When they kick/elbow/head you in the fucking face! And you get pissed off and just wsnt to throw them out of the fucking window in a rage!

@LunaLula83 I never thought I would use such a deep gruff Witcher voice as when telling my son to go back to bed

Getting up with baby with D&V on a Sunday morning. Said baby vomits and the vomit seeps through your pyjamas into your knickers, where it just makes the hell that is vaginal thrush about a million times worse.

Having baby pee, poo and posset on you before it's even 7.30 am.

@LunaLula83 glad it's not just me who gets the fucking rage when my child unintentionally hurts me

When your 2mo headbutts you and cracks a lump off your front tooth, without injury to himself poor DH.

Uttering the sentence "baked beans don't go up your bum" and "don't lick the dog" type sentences.

Loving your partner so, so very much but pretending to sleep thorough night-crying cos you're so bloody knsvkered. Did this only 3 nights ago as DS was tangled up in his duvet at 3am. He's 8yo. I was too cosy to get up

The sheer injustice of when they hurt you us what causes the rage. They trample on you, bite you and heat butt you but if anyone dares to be mean to them, the rage doubles

My very first experience of parenting was when the consultant handed me my baby after delivery via forceps and said:
“Congratulations. Oh, and you have had an episiotomy and a clitoral tear. Okay, bye”

CLITORAL TEAR

nobody told me about that

Vomit in the face and having to just pick DD up and strip off together in the bath.

CLITORAL TEAR

Gawd.

Never show the slasher birth scene version in the movies do they?

Gosh, I can relate to a worrying amount of these.

The STENCH that permeates the house - for hours - after they shit in a warm bath. How quickly said shit dissolves in the water. The epic clean -up operation of the bath, the bath toys, the bath mat (round every single sucker!). Not knowing how to clean the liquid shit off DD when you don’t have a shower that’s separate to the shit-lined bath.

Kissing your baby’s foot while changing their nappy, wondering what that taste is, then realising there was shit on their foot.

It’s mainly the shit-related ones that stay with me. I may need counselling.

The vomiting bugs and the nights of a thousand laundry loads/ bed and clothes changes. And the fact that vomit on your body is better than vomit on the carpet. Recalls vividly texture of slimy milky baby puke

The fishing poo out of baths.

The bringing of DS's special potty to an outing to Kensington Palace. Who'd have thunk I'd ever take a potty in a Sainsbury's bag on a visit to Kensington fucking palace??
(He did not even contemplate weeing in it.)

The many dinners not eaten causing my despair and rage and deep hatred of cooking family dinners. I used to really love cooking.

Was sat on the toilet in a service station, having a wee, minding my own business, with 5 year old DSD in the cubicle with me.

She threw up, without ANY warning. Managed to fill my pulled down knickers and crotch of my jeans with vomit, splatter my my shoulder and head, and filled my handbag.

She then felt fine, apparently. I literally didn't know what to do with myself. Had three hours left to drive.

@longcoffee You win!

For me it’s the rollercoaster of emotions. I have never felt such love for any other human being but equally such rage! I don’t recognise myself sometimes. DD has to be one of the most stubborn people I have ever met!

Fucck! That’s. Bad trip to the services 🤦‍♀️

Fucking hell, longcoffee! What did you do?!

Baby girls sometimes having a mini period after they're born.
Opened a nappy to find blood and honestly felt my heart drop out of my arsehole.

No one told me anything of the sort!

Short of vowing never to have sex again for fear of accidentally falling pregnant and ending up with a vomiting demon of my very own?

I 'emptied' and binned my pukey pants, wiped my jeans, and padded with loo roll. Skinny jeans with a vommy crotch are not my proudest fashion moment, it has to be said. Handbag was a goner, which was really bloody annoying. It was a fairly decent one.

Unlocked the cubicle to MANY concerned faces, and promptly stuck my head under a tap.

Cheeky mare had the audacity to ask for a happy meal as we squelched past McDonald's.

Luckily, I carry a lot of hi-vis in the car for work. Was able to whip a pair of day-glo orange plastic trousers on for the drive. Not uncomfortable at all, being naked underneath 😖