help tell me a joke

[SenselessUbiquity]

Sometimes I get really sad and lonely and it feels like I want to self harm. I probably won't and I know I am being an idiot but I just want to know that if I say something here, someone will hear me, and that might snap me out of it. So if you have any good / bad jokes, especially really naff puns, I would be forever appreciative

Sorry to hear you’re feeling low.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

Do you have any strategies for dealing with these thoughts? Take care of yourself.

What do you call an exploding monkey?

...... a BaBoooooom!

Why did the Baker have brown hands?

He kneaded (needed) a poo...

I'm sorry you're feeling low. I don't have a joke but if you have a FB account I'd recommend following The Poke page, or Angry People in Local Newspapers. Both of those often make me laugh, not for their content but the comments usually. The Poke often post the same list of puns/ jokes and the one that makes me laugh most is 'Here is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder' and 'Do you know what my dad said to me just before he kicked the bucket? Look how far I can kick this bucket'
I hope you are in a better place soon

did you hear about the sick chimney?
It had bad flu

. Xx. (((((()))))))

I went to the zoo, but it only had one animal.

It was a shitzhuh.

I bought some branded leggings for the gym, they were new but smelt like shit! :(

They're puma pants.

Why has Tigger got no friends?

Because he plays with Pooh

What did the Pirate say when he turned 80.
Aye Matey.

Why can't the leopard play hide and seek.
Because he's always spotted.

They've been through some real nasty shit them.
My arse cheeks.

I work in a bakery. My boss is an arsehole I was gonna tell him to shove his job, but I kneed the dough.
I so work in a candle shop. That gets on wick, too.

I'm cursed with Diahrrea. It runs in my jeans.

Knock knock.
Who's there.
Boo
Boo who.
Dont cry it's only

Knock knock
Who's there?
Cash
Cash who?
I'd rather have a peanut

What do you v call a donkey with three legs?
A wonky.

How do you weigh a whale?

At a whale weigh station.

Did you hear about the explosion in a cheese factory in France?

There was de-Brie everywhere!

What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of a tree?

Camembert...

How did Mr Cheese paint his wife?

He Double Gloucester.

I love cheese jokes!

All time fave... did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the lane and turned into a field.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Europe

Europe who?

No, you're a 💩

Man walked into a bar. Barmaid* “what’ll you have?”
Man “A double entendre”.
So she gave him one.

• sorry doesn’t work saying ‘bar staff, bar person’ etc.

Hope you're ok op. Stay safe.

Why did the squirrel swim on his back?

To keep his nuts dry!

How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Steven.

Went to give a sperm sample the other day the nurse said would I like to masturbate in the cup,
I said Thanks but I don't think I'm ready for a competition yet.

I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt wagon last night.
"You dozy pillock" I shouted, through gritted teeth.

If I had to describe myself in three words, I would say, "Not very good at maths".

BREAKING: A man who took an airline to court after losing his luggage has lost his case.

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse.

Oh you're a case you Dan. Pun intended.

Love hippo/zippo and exploding monkey

Hope you feel better soon OP

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

I don't know but the flag is a big plus.

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, it's hardware problem.

What's the difference between an Australian Wedding & A Funeral - there is one less drunk at the Funeral (please note I lived in Australia when told this one )