Words hurt me, why do I let nobodies get to me so much?

[HappyExteriorSadInterior]

I just wanted to let this out, I don't feel anyone else understands how this makes me feel.
I have NC'd for this.

Background - I'm in my forties, plain looking on a good day, some would say ugly on a bad day. I have a distinct voice, irritating I'm sure to many people, it can be a bit high pitched but often people ask me to repeat what I've said because I'm fairly softly spoken.
I am 1.5 stones overweight and am working on losing this, I lost several stone last year. I am curvy, big bust, waist goes in a bit and have fat legs, with very fat thighs, one of my most hated features.
But I have received compliments by nice work colleagues saying how well I've done with losing the weight and that I look really well.
I know I am a good person on the inside, I have a kind and loving heart and try my best to be kind to others even when they don't deserve it. (I know this is true not only because I feel this way but because people have told me this through the years).
I generally smile a lot and have a happy type of personality, I much prefer to laugh and smile even when I feel like crap on the inside.
Where I work, people do all different shift patterns, I do 12 hours, some do 6 and shifts change / start all through the day/evening.

Recently at work I was holding the door open for some young lads, around 19 - 20 age and we were all heading up the stairs. (They work on a different shift pattern and were going for break, I only know them by sight and ditto for them with me).
Anyway, I heard one of them say to the others these snippets "It's rough...... look at the legs....and the voice is ...." (then mimicking my voice).
It was about me for sure, they were right behind me, it couldn't have been anything or anyone else.
That was it, I thought of virtually nothing else but these comments for the rest of my shift and every day since it keeps popping into my head.
I feel so uncomfortable around them now, I literally ran up the stairs the day after when I saw them walking nearby just to get away.

If I'm honest they are not adonises themselves in my view. They certainly don't meet the standards of say 'Love Island' which is what seems to be the acceptable standard of beauty for some people.

I have heard comments like this on and off since my teenage years all through secondary school and into adulthood.

Every time they cut like a knife. It brings every other horrible comment flooding back.

The comments have usually been from young men. Men older than me have often seemed to find things about me that they like. Not just looking at my outer shell.

Why do I let nobodies like this get to me every time? (I call them nobodies because they seem to enjoy belittling other people, people they don't even know).

Why the hell should I care what they have to say about me? ....... But I do.

Does anyone else have experience of this?

How do you cope with it and stop it making
you feel like rubbish?

Although I'm writing this whilst crying I actually feel a bit better 'talking' about it.

Apologies for the waffle and thank you for taking the time to read this.

I've re-read my post, I realise I need to build up my self esteem. I'm at a low ebb anyway and this has just kicked me when I'm down. I'm going to look into some counselling and hope it helps.

I am sure you are a beautiful person on the inside, you certainly sound it. And probably far more attractive on the outside than you give yourself credit for

I’m sorry. Sometimes we are surrounded by thoughtless, immature and insensitive people. I do believe that those that bring down others the most, do so because they themselves have their own issues and insecurities.

Yuck I hate when men refer to a woman as 'it'. I'd be pretty angry and pissed off too.

I'm quite paranoid about what others say & remember hurtful comments for ages! So I'm no help I'm afraid except to say you're not the only one who gets upset about these things.

But if more people pay you compliments than actually insult you then that's a positive.

I wish I knew how to let things slide like water off a duck’s back but I get deeply hurt too easily too. And not even by things as pointed and nasty as this, but much more minor stuff. I had a road rage incident a few weeks ago when I couldn’t get my car into first gear for a couple of seconds and an asshole behind me kept honking and waving his fist for ages afterwards behind me. Logically I know he’s the one with the issue but I still couldn’t stop it ruining my day.

I’ve been trying a distraction technique to cope with persistent thoughts. When I’d catch myself worrying at these kind of memories I look for 5 red things, 5 orange things, 5 yellow things... and so on to keep my mind busy. Or just put on a podcast to think about something else.

I think that putting kindness out in to the world is much more valuable than the superficial attributes of how we look, sound, weigh.

Thank you all so much for your messages I really appreciate it.

I find that any negative comments about my appearance linger in my mind forever and I often just don't believe any positive comments about my appearance. This is all because of the nasty ones taking over, I really need to work on finding a way to deal with this.

As Barbararara said I do believe kindness is really valuable.

I just wish everybody could live by the old saying 'if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all'.

Tbh op, I bet every single woman on Mumsnet could give you an example of shitty comments a nobody has said to them whether they are "good looking" or not.
Just try to think about the fact you know you are nice and kind and it's sad these people are so mean.

Thank you, I appreciate that.

When someone is shitty like that to me, and shows a real unpleasantness in their character, I always tell myself that their punishment is that they have to be themselves, and live with that bad character and with those unpleasant thoughts all the time. I find that it makes me feel a bit sorry for them, and not so bad for myself.

Thank you Nordicwannabe , yes I need to think more along those lines.

Young male airheads who think a woman's only worth is in whether they find them sexually appealing or not.

My DU used to be one of them. He once dumped a beautiful girl because her toenails were yellow when she took the nail varnish off. Not up to his standards you see. It was a "He's a rock star" story when I was younger. I can still remember my DGPs beaming with pride... And now he's balding and paunchy, made terrible financial choices and is living alone in a 1 room council flat and claiming JSA, and probably regretting a lot of things.

My point is that very few people get to go through life continuing to think they are above everyone else, karma will probably smack them on their arses one way or another.

Note down the time and date of when they were rude to you just in case there are further incidents. If any of them say anything to your face, make a complaint.

Personally I'd make a complaint about them. Bullying in the workplace is not acceptable!

I wouldn't make a complaint. It's her word against theirs, they didn't say anything directly to her, and could make out that she misheard.

However if they ever say anything directly to her, then definitely make a complaint.

I have had the 'pleasure' of working in an office staffed almost exclusively with young men aged 18-22.

In addition to the fact that they've just spent seven years communicating with their friends solely via insult trading, so it's all they know, I found that my lot generally had the thought processing capability of a cack-handed squirrel. Combined with a healthy dollop of showing off, this all lead to some stern words from me on occasion.

It's amazing how the bravado fades when you break the pack and give them an individual bollocking for being rude/sexist/a total twat. Not going to lie, I used to quite enjoy making Them explain why an insult was funny... cue squirming

I really, really wouldn't hold much stock by what they are saying. Ignore, hold your head high, and don't worry. Tomorrow's another day, you'll still be great (you really do genuinely sound lovely!) and they'll still be reliant on mum making their packed lunch 👍

They sound horrible OP.
In my experience, people only do this stuff to cover up their own deep gnawing insecurities.
Pity them. They hate themselves and are trying to project it on you.

Hi everyone, thanks so much for all of your replies.
I was just distracting myself by reading another 32 page thread on a totally different topic and checked back in on my thread before going to bed!
I really appreciate the time you have taken to add your comments.

With regards to reporting them I have thought that if this starts to turn into a case of every time I see them something horrible is said, I would have to. The trouble with this incident is they were behind me and as a poster mentioned they could say I misheard them.
Plus I really don't want to make a complaint if I don't have to. I just want to feel comfortable at work. But I am worried I won't be any more when they are around.

@longcoffee - I don't know how you managed to work in that environment for so long. I admire you so much and would love to be more like you!
If I had to work with people like this every shift I just couldn't do it.
You did make me chuckle about their mums making packed lunches! I'll try visualising this next time!
I have to say colleagues have mentioned how lazy and useless this group are. They just seem to do the minimum required, so their general attitudes shouldn't surprise me really.

I think the insults particularly affected me because I have lost a lot of weight and just as I was starting to feel better about myself this sends me back again.
My legs are still very fat (that's my shape though whatever weight). If they'd seen them a year ago who knows what the insult would have been!

@SleightOfMind - Thank you, these are wise words.

@BrendasUmbrella - Thank you for relaying your experience and your advice.

When I was 16 I went through a chubby phase after dislocating my knee and spending almost 2 months in a full-leg cast. I spent plenty of boring Summer days eating chocolate and feeling sorry for myself and put on over 10 kg.

One day I walked past a bench with 4 teenage boys sitting and one standing.

I could hear them saying behind me: "Look at that fat arse!".

I am now 43 and still remember it. It cut like a knife to the heart.

Comments from strangers hurt because we are social creatures and, no matter how much we say we don't care what others think or say, we do. We do very much. We crave apprioval from others, and it is in our genes to do so. Especially us women, who have been conditioned that we need to be pretty, sexy and pleasing to men.

Instead of trying to not care what people say, I recommend you acknowledge that some people will make rude comments, finding out what part hurts you the most about the comments, and addressing them. Sometimes addressing them can be as simple as: "you know what, this part of me does not bother me, so if some other people find it reprehensible, that's their issue, not mine". Other times considering the comments separately from the people who say them may encourage you to make good changes in your life, if you decide they bother you enough.

The most important thing is acknowledging that you are an imperfect person, just like everybody else, and that is ok, there is absolutely no need to be perfect. You cannot control how other people react to you, but you CAN control how you respond to it.

You sound like a kind, lovely, thoughtful person. Now, would you rather have a great arse and thighs and be a cruel bitch? If the answer is no, then those comments will still hurt, but won't matter overall. Head up and proud! :)

@aurynne - Thank you for your lovely post. I'm crying again! But because you are so right.
I have experienced just the same type of thing as you since my teenage years and it does cut like a knife. Mainly remembering the awful comments but forgetting I have had a number of nice compliments said by men too who meant it. You are so right, we are conditioned to want to be pretty and pleasing to men. Why should we be.
Head up and proud is what I am aiming for from now on!
P.s. I would always opt to keep my thunder thighs if it means I'm not a cruel bitch!

I have had these cutting comments all my life. I was reasonably attractive but some males like to cut females down to size by commenting on appearance. A lot of unattractive guys do it in particular. Some of them do it as a weird way of trying to attract your attention, others because they are just misogynistic twats.

I thought I was past all that. I am now middle aged. I can walk past building sites now, no need to cross over the road, nobody bothers me. Apart from a few years ago these guys in their 20s saw me walking towards them and said quite clearly - I would fuck that, with a bag over its head obviously. Look at the tits on it.

I scuttled away in mortal embarrassment. Me a grown woman still being made to feel like a piece of meat by Neanderthals. I should have said something but I just wanted to get away. I have lost a couple of stone recently, and despite my advancing years, I seem to be back on the radar for men of all ages. That to me is a disadvantage of losing weight. I liked being invisible to men, I am done on that score, it was liberating. I lost weight to be healthy and fit and I love feeling like that, but the attention is the drawback.

There is nothing wrong with you, nothing. It is all them and the way that society has allowed them to feel this entitlement to treat women meanly and like objects. Sometimes I look at the MeToo movement and think it has gone too far, but actually it is a much needed calling to account of male behaviour that hopefully will trickle down to all levels of society in years to come, and stop these entitled and nasty idiots in their tracks.

Now I need to get some sleep. I hope you are sleeping now and have managed to relegate these comments to the junk folder in your mind.

You sound lovely, OP. I bet your are beautiful to look at and many others will think so too. I hope you manage to get these horrible comments out of your head and move on as you are better than them

What knuckle draggers!

As well as all positive things you're already doing, try also being your own best friend.

If you catch yourself self criticising, ask yourself if you say those things to a friend.

If you dwell too much on comments by emotionally stunted people, think about what you'd say to a friend in that situation to help them feel better.

You get the idea. We are our own worst critics and being your own best friend takes practice, but it's helped me lots.

Hope you wake up feeling better

Some really thoughtful and insightful comments on this thread that I’m finding very helpful so I just want to pop back and say thank you OP for starting the thread. Hope you’re having a better day.

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for your supportive messages and lovely comments.
Today I have felt a bit better thank you.

They are still on my mind but i'm mainly thinking about what they might say when I next see them. Pathetic of me I know, its like i've reverted back to being at secondary school again!
I'm thinking I really need to say something to them if it happens again, but all I can think of are immature swear words right now!

Those arse holes work with you.
I’d be reporting them. That’s abuse and you do not have to put up with it..
Hate twatting bullies.
Stop undermining yourself this minute.
Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.