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Original poster

Is it normal to lose ambition after having kids?

38 replies

SlothHouse · 21/01/2020 16:46

I've only 1 DD, she starts school in September.

DP and I agreed that I will be primary caregiver and I've spent 2 or so years at home taking care of DD and have spent the the last year doing some on and off menial work.

When DD starts school I'd like to start a career but I don't know what or how.

I did 1 year at university and have decided not to continue with that. I've never used it but it's on my CV.

I feel like it's been difficult raising DD and being the housewife. My mental health has suffered a lot.

What are ways that I can find drive an ambition to actually do something with my life. I cant stay in a dead end job my whole life.

OP posts:
haveuheard · 21/01/2020 17:48

I think ambition is relative. I am doing an interesting job, flexible part time hours and term time only. Its 'important' in the sense that I feel I am contributing to something meaningful and its a nice place to work. But I could earn a lot more elsewhere.

Its really difficult to decide what to do if you don't really have a vocation. Some people are really passionate about a particular career idea from a young age and I've never felt that way. I spent a year volunteering and went back to uni before looking for a new job. Both of those helped build my confidence.

Wallywobbles · 21/01/2020 20:55

Yes for a while. I reckon it take youngest DC+4 years until you start to get you mojo back. At 40 I hit my peak.

Original poster
SlothHouse · 21/01/2020 22:06

volunteering might be a good place to start for someone like me.

OP posts:

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Original poster
SlothHouse · 21/01/2020 22:07

Wally

So DD is 4 right now. Will things get better 4 years from now?

OP posts:
Thoughtlessinengland · 21/01/2020 22:12

It was opposite for me. I was well settled into career before ds1 birth but maternity leave drove me mad and catapulted me into chucking myself into my career and my CV skyrocketed. Expecting DD2 now and can tell similar skyrocketing will happen again if we are both well etc. For you - can you retrain? Qualifications of a kind with good prospects would help.

Slat3 · 21/01/2020 22:12

It certainly wasn’t normal for me, but then again I went back to work full time and I have a 4 & 2 year old. In my first year back from maternity leave I’ve worked my way up to management, earned a pay rise & nearly completed an apprenticeship.
If anything it’s made me more ambitious as now I’m ‘done’ having babies / mat leave (& spend my money on creating amazing days out & memories with them).

If it helps, I feel like a terrible mum for not being happy with what I’ve got & wish I wasn’t as ambitious. I’m exhausted.

OhioOhioOhio · 21/01/2020 22:13

What a great question. I don't know if it's normal but I definitely lost my ambition.

TheYearOfTheDog · 21/01/2020 22:17

I agree that ambition is relative.

I felt I had to display shame for not being ambitious for a long time, ie, I was kind of pretending to feel apologetic I hadn't got a great career.

But now my kids are teens I do feel ambitious again.
It's a different type of ambition though. It's ambition to structure a life that works for me and makes me happy and it's more 3d than it was before my eldest was born, when I worked in the city. That was not a life I felt I could go back to as a mother.

Neolara · 21/01/2020 22:23

I was really into my career before I had kids. After they arrived, I found I just didn't care about my job. I then spent 14 years as a sahm. I'm back at work now and enjoying it, but I have kind of killed off any chance of an exciting career. Overall I don't regret my decision though.

EmpressJewel · 21/01/2020 22:46

Yep, having children killed off my ambition.

I got to low level management by the time I had my first child. I found it difficult to balance motherhood with a full time job, but as the higher earner, I had to work full time.

My children are 9 and 7 and I don't have my ambition back. I can't be arsed with office politics or work stresses. I just want a job that's relatively interesting and pays well enough for us to have a decent lifestyle.

AgeLikeWine · 21/01/2020 22:57

This probably sounds very un-feminist, but I have known and worked with countless women who were very ambitious & career-minded before they had their first child. They had expected to return to work quite quickly after the birth, but they actually found that their priorities changed completely and as mothers work became much less important to them.

In contrast, many men who became dads for the first time became more career-focused and ambitious.

NeverGotMyPuppy · 22/01/2020 05:51

It has done for me although DC1 is only 16 months and we are trying for DC2 some arent finished. Before DC I was head of department in a school, lots of discussions about going to senior management and I was definitely one that people thought would be a head sooner rather than later. Now I've given up my management and am just a teacher 3 days a week. I love it (apart from today because DS has woken up at 4.30 and im absolutely knackered).

SimonJT · 22/01/2020 06:08

Ambition is different for different people though isn’t it.

I loved my profession before I was a parent and I still do, I have cut my hours a little bit, but I also worked my arse off to get a much wanted promotion last year. I wanted the challenge of more responsibility and a slight change in the type of work I’m doing, but I also want to send my son to a public secondary school. So I’m putting my additional wages from my promotion away so his secondary education fund will be ready and waiting when he is 11.

stackhead · 22/01/2020 06:13

I got more ambitious. I was applying for new jobs when DD was 12 weeks old. Interviewed and got one that I've just started. DD is now 7 months old.

But it was always agreed between DH and me that my career wouldn't be compromised. His would. And that's what's happened. He's staying at home.

BursarsDriedFrogPills · 22/01/2020 06:18

Agree with some other PP. I got more ambitious post-kids. I found my first mat leave challenging but ultimately needed to work to live and so decided a) if I was going to be away from DC I needed to be doing something interesting and b) it might as well be better paid. So I changed jobs, got promoted and have moved sectors.

IceniSky · 22/01/2020 06:21

I have. Got to middle management. Was on the 'talent' list. Had DD 8 years ago. Went back full time. I've tried to push through but if I'm honest, I just cant be arsed. I can't maintain the momentum needed to really progress. Office politics are draining. Funnily, yes, the men seem to survive.

I'm paid a good wage and work flexibly. I want to pay off my mortgage then reducd my hours. More money would be nice, but it would just go on stuff. Recognition? There are now far more younger, enthusiastic and more talented people than me now.

Growingboys · 22/01/2020 06:23

Sounds like you've lost confidence rather than ambition. This is totally normal but you have to force yourself back out there.

mrsnec · 22/01/2020 06:24

My dc are 3 and 5. I'm a sahm although my dh has his own business and I do a bit of admin occasionally.

Both my children are in nursery and I thought I'd do something when they both went but it hasn't happened. I was thinking of doing a TEFL qualification but I'm still quite busy when the dc aren't around, I haven't found a decent course, I'm not sure if we can afford it or what I'd do with it anyway and f2f struggles with her homework and I get frustrated so therefore I'd be a rubbish teacher anyway.

So I have been wondering too if how I feel is normal and I'm just making excuses. You are not alone op.

ukgift2016 · 22/01/2020 06:32

I was not ambitious after having my DD, it was only when she got to the age of 2 and I became a single mum, I realized I wanted better. I wanted a career to improve mine and my DD life without ever having to rely solely on a man again.

I now have a career, a new partner and we may try for a baby later this year. My job is stressful so I may after baby decide to take a lower paid less stressful role. It's all swings and roundabouts in life.

Scatterlit · 22/01/2020 06:45

It does sound very sexist, @AgeLikeWine.

OP, like several pps, I found the opposite, and so did several friends. I agree that you’ve lost confidence, not ambition, which is an unsurprising side effect of being at home. Do think about volunteering or retraining.

user1493413286 · 22/01/2020 06:51

I found that even a year out of the workplace made me lose a bit of confidence when I went back which I hadn’t expected as I’d got to quite a good place in my career so don’t beat yourself up for feeling like you do.
I think the first step is finding something that grabs your interest and go from there whether that means some extra studying or an entry level position

Fannia · 22/01/2020 06:51

I don't mean this in a bad way, but it doesn't sound like you were that ambitious before you had your DC. I think it's ok to just want a reasonably nice job that gets you out of the house and pays some bills but fits in with family.

Berrymuch · 22/01/2020 06:59

I agree @AgeLikeWine. A fair number of my friends worked extremely hard to secure their 'dream jobs' academically, worked for a few years never to return after having children. Nothing wrong with that, it's disproportionately women who find a change of priority, understandably. Personally although I love DS, I found being at home during maternity leave quite challenging, especially as DH was away a lot with his job, I was resentful of him. I went back full time when he was 1 and felt extremely guilty for wanting to, but it's been great for all of us, and I feel more motivated. Similarly, no pressure, if I hadn't wanted to I would have looked for something else which was the minimum to keep us afloat. However you feel is alright, but it's early days and a big change after being at home, plus I think it's hard to know what job you want to do anyway. What do you think you might enjoy doing- working with the public? In an office? What sort of hours?

ageingdisgracefully · 22/01/2020 06:59

Me too. Although I agree it's confidence that's lost perhaps, rather than ambition.

I was always career -minded and focussed, earning well and working long hours.

I was ill during my pregnancy, struggled, and DD was born very prematurely.

Since then, I couldn't give two hoots about work. After 14 years as a sahm and getting on in years, I found a crap, insecure job which I only got after volunteering for two years. I'm still in that job two years later and the ambition is slowly coming back.

I'm still basically competitive and a terrible perfectionist though. But I've lost the energy for the greasy pole.

Hardymonica · 22/01/2020 07:03

I think your priorities change. I just have a part time job that allows me to pick take my child to school and pick her up and gives me time to get jobs at home done. I listen to other mums running themselves ragged to balance their careers and trying to sort out childcare and I feel exhausted! Each to their own but just getting through the day, being an effective mum and having time to breathe is far more important.

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