Can we invent some tv programmes please?

[longwayoff]

Ohhh, tv is dire, news is awful and depressing. We need cheering up, or I do. Can we improve on the telly offerings?. I fancy 'Let's Pick Over the Trash' - a bin full of household rubbish, stolen from outside a zleb 's house, is given to a panel (made up of other zlebs) which has to identify the owner by the contents and guess what they were used for. And, in the tradition of "Botched", another panel game, 'Guess my Gynaecologist ', post operative pictures are shared with the panel who must identify the popular zleb surgeon who carried out the work and why. Hmm, not doing too well here. Help me out.

5,4,3,2,1 Cook! A cooking show where chefs have to make delicious meals with only 5 ingredients (including herbs and spices) to show what people can cook on a budget without loads of random ingredients at home.

Prancing on a Desert Island
Z listers and other Reality Show losers are left on a desert island. If they impress the audience with their interpretive dance moves, they are rescued by helicopter, if not they die. Hosted by family favourites Ant and Dec.

Great Bus Stops of the World
Ex Prime Minister Theresa May waits for buses in every continent and tries to flog her huge collection of statement necklaces to passers by.

The Noise
People who can't sing audition in front of a panel of tone deaf celebrities. If they are chosen they get taught how to stop saying 'I've wanted this all my life' and learn a marketable skill.

The Great British 'What the fuck can I cook tonight'
People are given a fridge full of random ingredients inculding half a bottle of red, a brown avocado, a one inch square of mouldy cheese and a yogurt someone opened, tasted and then put back. They have to make a meal for eight children who will mark the dishes on a scale of 'euuurgh GROOOOOOOOOOOOSS' to 'Can't we have a McDonalds?'
Winner is the cook who poisons or murders the least number of children.

'101 What's your Non Emergency?'
People phone the police non emergency number to log things of no importance whatsoever. Police officers mutter 'Oh forfuckssake not this tosser again' under their breath.

"I used to be a...". Celebs go back to the jobs they did before becoming famous to see if they could still do it, especially the most manual jobs.

Celebrity pet watch? Let celebs lose on real peoples pets they have to keep them clean entertained fed etc bonus points if the house survives

Behind the Scenes at the Provincial Museum. I bet it would turn up some brilliant characters and artefacts.

Excellent suggestions here, I look forward to seeing them in production soon. Watch My Garden Grow. In real time.; Whose Ego? Ex employees describe their zleb bosses and viewers guess from 3 choices.e.g. Gordon Ramsay, John Burton Race, Marco Pierre White. Winning zleb struts around under spotlight, grinning inanely, whilst being pelted with old fruit. My Dream. You know that sinking feeling when a friend says 'last night I dreamt . . .' This is another zleb vehicle in which any old reality Star! spends half an hour describing just that 'and then the cat turned into a dragon driving the bus and I woke up'.

Escaped to the country: showing daft city folk discover that the 5acres in Somerset requires them to learn how to fix the fences that their cute little sh*tland pony keeps escaping through, watch discussions between felicity, originally from Notting Hill, as she negotiates with farmer John that he'll help maintain the land, but only if he uses organic products, and watch John as he painstakingly researches the best ride on lawnmower, only to tip it down into a ditch on its first outing.

Oops... apparently everyone in this episode is called John. Ironically, that's what both my neighbours are called!

Cooking in Prison? Monkey Tennis? A Partridge Among the Pigeons? Sorry couldn’t resist.

Actually, I like that. A programme featuring Johns, only Johns, doing John stuff as only Johns can. That's a definite winner. More Johns.

(I don't want) The Crown
Members of the royal family undertake a series of physical and mental challenges to determine their fitness to reign. Loser becomes King, winners get to live in Canada.

Prince Philip gallantly steps in as host (a last minute replacement for Prince Andrew who retired due to unforseen circumstances)

News should just be videos of puppies with the news on a scrolling banner beneath.

Look Who's Coming to Dinner. Nigel Slater and maybe Claudia Winklethingy knock on people's doors genuinely without warning and critique their REAL dinners in REAL time. And the people are allowed to retort honestly, eg 'That would cost minimum £15 which is half my weekly food budget' 'Great except my daughter throws up if there are mushrooms on the table'

Hunted - the real thing. Show where people disappear from a central point, do their own video diaries and it becomes brutally obvious that slipping out of sight in 'the world's most watched society' is actually a piece of piss. The winner is the first person to smoke crack just to get through another crushing lonely day.

Cat herding? Like sheep but harder

Real life single parent drama you've got three kids a load of animals a full time job and a house to decorate GO!

Whose been sick? A show where you find sick and you have to figure out who dunnit is it the school avoider? Is it the toddler? Is it the cat?

My Journey. Claudia or Zoe perhaps, full slap and twinkles, accompanies a worker to the workplace. 7 am. Ten minute walk in rain to station. Ten minutes on crowded platform. Noooo, the buggers cancelled, another ten minute wait then much pushing and shoving to fit too many people plus sparkly host and crew into crowded train. Host, never been on train before, elbows a bit of space and attempts to encourage community singsong. All passengers stare firmly at where floor should be. Train arrives. Disembark. Ten minute walk to work. Still raining. "And how long have you been making this journey Guest?" "Every day for 15 years". Host bursts into tears.

A six-week series where a preachy celebrity chef has to move into a terraced house with their family. Then live off a standard budget to pay bills, entertain the family and feed them (healthy and nutritious meals) all whilst going out to a job each week day (standard 9-5 job not trying to be awkward).

I'd be interested in this. Also interested in how less preachy they might be at the end and what the inevitable 'affordable meals' cookbook would contain.

This will be familiar to many, Heat or Eat? A panel of well fed politicians and commentators debate as to whether a participating family of claimants should spend their last couple of quid on bus fares to the food bank or top up their fuel for a day. Winner gets free tea on House of Commons terrace.

Celebrity Naked Attraction.

I would love to watch Behind the Scenes at the Provincial Museum, AhoyMrBeaver.

Smell my cheese

Divorce - a panel of 12 members of the public listen to both parties for an hour and determine how the marital assets should be split. Hosted by dominic whatshisname

Pay up dad - finds and follows around maintenance avoiding exes as they work cash in hand then confronts them with their underfed and barely clothed children whilst they are on a Caribbean holiday with their new squeeze

Good ideas Joyce. Can we add in LTB? Stay with the dodgy partner or not. Score points for unfaithfulness, not taking the bins out, forgetting anniversary etc. Partner of most points wins £1000 towards deposit on new place to live. And, of course, AIBU? 5 people ask AIBU. Public vote. YANBU gets wine and flowers. YABU gets chorus of OH YES YOU ARE until made to leave stage.

Alan Partridge has a lot of ideas!

And not forgetting, a Saturday Night Special, The MIL Stakes. Distressed wives describe their MILs and their devious ways. Concerned host then brings on the MILs to face the DILs. Jeremy Kyle appears in a puff of smoke trailing Graham and a lie detector. Suddenly, a red faced and bare chested Piers Morgan staggers on stage shouting "What about your Gran in Law, Meghan? Did you mean to be so rude to Her Majesty?" Audience groans and walks out in disgust.

Joyce! Sell those ideas stat