Can we invent some tv programmes please?

[longwayoff]

Ohhh, tv is dire, news is awful and depressing. We need cheering up, or I do. Can we improve on the telly offerings?. I fancy 'Let's Pick Over the Trash' - a bin full of household rubbish, stolen from outside a zleb 's house, is given to a panel (made up of other zlebs) which has to identify the owner by the contents and guess what they were used for. And, in the tradition of "Botched", another panel game, 'Guess my Gynaecologist ', post operative pictures are shared with the panel who must identify the popular zleb surgeon who carried out the work and why. Hmm, not doing too well here. Help me out.

Cocklodgers your time is up - a crack team consisting of peter andre, laurence llewellyn bowen, anne hegarty and Trisha turn up on the doorstep of unsuspecting women nominated by their friends. The team have one hour to empty the house of all of the cocklodger’s belongings, pack them up and deliver them to a storage unit, selling anything of value at a car boot on the way. The locks are then changed and the house is decorated with scatter cushions, lilies and candles, whilst anne hegarty waits in the bushes for the cocklodger’s return

Unfortunately I think my ex might quite enjoy a visit from Anne

Parent/ Teacher swap.

The parents of little ‘angels’ who never ever do anything wrong and are being picked on, or who feature in a sad face article re uniform, clearly sign posted school rules, haircuts etc.. are invited reality style to be a teacher in the school for two weeks. The teaching experience includes and assumes all duties including marking, walking around freezing grounds on ‘duty’, investigating ‘bullying’, cyber safety, he said she said rumours, gossip, navigating between warring ex spouses when trying to focus on the child, planning, prep and of course at least one conversation while at their local supermarket when they are trying to pick up groceries with a parent who just won’t go away.

Viewers at the end of the fortnight get to vote whether the parent should stay or go from their new ‘role’.

I'd like to see the reverse of those interminable YouTube videos where people spend 40 minutes doing their makeup using 50 products including 10 types of concealer.
Maybe half a dozen women appear in a full face of make up of Drag Queen standard, then they disappear off screen, wipe it all off then Holly Willoughby, Gordon Ramsey and Rylan with The Teeth have to work which one of these totally different looking 6 women was which.

Love Island but with older people who have been really unlucky in love. Maybe even a pensioner spin-off special.

Gogglebox of people watching old episodes of Gogglebox.

Come Camp With Me. Leave a bunch of strangers wild camping where they have to forage and cook dinner for the others for one night each in a week and then rate each other. Bonus points for anyone who accidentally picks poison mushrooms and kills annoying Sharon who can't sleep without her precious Shih Tzu and 15 scatter cushions.

The great British chicken challenge
Participants have £5 and a chicken
The winner is the one who makes the most meals which include the chicken
Bonus points if nobody is poisoned

The Theresa may wheat field challenge
Participants must run through a wheat field without being spotted by the drone overhead
Bonus points for doing so in fancy shoes which the media will be fixated upon. Extra points if Dave the pig keeper also fails to spot you.

OMG I had a similar idea yesterday but you had to empty your pockets/bag and the people had to guess what kind of person you were (no ID etc obvs).

Also Diet Swap - families swap diets for a week and the drama goes on

Race swap - horrid racists are selected and hypnotised into believing they are ethnic minorities and are made to live the life of the very people they hate for a month /year until they get it.

I used to be a...". Celebs go back to the jobs they did before becoming famous to see if they could still do it, especially the most manual jobs

That's actually genius. I'd watch that! (And I'd like to know if Paul Whitehouse could still plaster a wall.)

Living it before improving it-

MPs living 6 months in Social housing in their constituency, working a nmw job, managing childcare, family stresses and a budget for a family of 4 out of their Ltd income.

I’d love a good competitive quiz show -

Quiz questions general but getting increasingly more difficult BUT competing in teams BUT at certain points in the game (end of rounds, when you win a particularly hard question) you can steal other teams best quizzers.

I’d also love to bring a load of shows back! Tv programmers now are shite! And there’s a dearth of decent shows being made.

Give us a clue - I know seems old fashioned but can still be hilarious and I’m sure there’s no shortage of desperate celebs would appear. Head each team with a stand up comedian as they think on their feet and know how to boost a flagging stage with a well timed funny comment.

Quantum leap - but a sequel sort of, now sammy his daughter is leaping to try and find her dad and persuade him to come home? Maybe she succeeds but continues leaping herself?

We desperately need a new crime series in the vein of morse, Sherlock, prime suspect with strong, moral lead characters.

Given the success of heartbeat, the royal and call the midwife I think it’s a shocking shame that nobody has written a good, nostalgic drama series set in the 80’s. There’s a wealth of subjects they could dramatise and those of us of an age to remember nostalgically are roughly the age our parents were when heartbeat etc started and nostalgia “sells” really well.

Series set around police, hospitals/medical and fire have been done to death, but there are few that have been done really well around military families, not since soldier soldier I think.

So I think one set in the 80’s with military families as the main characters could at once be new and nostalgic (any screenwriters, programme makers reading - I am copywriting this idea! If you want to use it you need to contact me)

Just my ideas.

I used to be a...". Celebs go back to the jobs they did before becoming famous to see if they could still do it, especially the most manual jobs

Genius idea.

A 'freaky Friday' but for a week. Kids have to go to work, parents go back to school.

Little angels would spend the food money on computer games and parents would have to ask for FSM to avoid starving.

Drs vs Dr Google.

People with mysterious illnesses google their symptoms and then a Dr diagnoses them. Winner is one who Dr and Google agree on, this will play for 10 series before there is a winner.

Mumsnet Bingo.

Everyday Musical - Andrew L-W stays with a family for 5 days and then has 2 days to write a musical about that family's life. Shame Victoria Wood isn't still around to help with lyrics.

Whenever I flick through the TV guide these days I often think Alan Partridge has had a hand in writing the schedules.

There are some cracking ideas on this thread I’m giving it three months until at least one of them shows up on Channel Five.

The Cliche/Simile Olympics

Events include:

Herding cats
Nailing jelly to a wall
Swimming through treacle
Watching paint dry
Counting chickens
Don't throw the baby out with the bath water (potential ethical issues)

Etc

'Novelicious'. In which an author writes a book in real time - including showing all the noodling about on Mumsnet, Facebook and googling random things; also buying stuff from Amazon Prime whilst in the middle of a sentence.

It will be nine to eleven months of gripping TV. But might also make people appreciate that paying 99p for a full length novel is a pittance for somone else's brainwork for the best part of a year. And also doesn't help cover their tragic addiction to online shopping.

Just stole this from Good Omens (iPlayer and Prime. Highly recommended). Open your Fridge!!! GregG Wallace knocks on doors and surprises the residents by bawling 'Surprise! Open your Fridge!!!' GregG removes items one by one, from spellchecker family's fridge, commenting AH LOVELY or sucking his teeth and shaking his head. The winner of this is the last resident unable to resist rolling eyes and saying loudly SHUT UP GREGg. Prize is dinner with GregG. This is an absolute winner

Spellchecker? Ha. Shell shocked.

Reality Check - poncey celebrities and MPs are parachuted into deprived neighborhoods to live like Common People for a month. What they don't know is that the moment they get there, their phones are disconnected, their bank accounts frozen and they're told the one week's money they have been given and spent on fancy food was paid a day too early and, as such, they are not entitled to universal credit for the next month. But they have to feed themselves, fulfil the work search requirements, pay a tenner in bus fares to get to the job centre each week, put some money in the meter for heating, pay the council tax, and, just to add that slight frisson, they are walloped across the back, arm or leg with a sledgehammer so they are also physically disabled for the duration of the show.

If they survive to the end of the month, the audience votes (for free) whether they receive a six month sanction because they were 30 seconds late for a job centre interview, didn't receive a call (but JCP insist they did), weren't online for 25 hours a week or couldn't work as a hodcarrier 85 miles away with a mangled leg with no funds to travel - or they just get left there and any attempts to claim that they are Somebody are denied by everybody, so they are stuck there forever.