Looking for ideas to enjoy life without friends

[Lookingforideas7]

Has anyone else found they have been rejected in every walk of life by friends? Sometimes I feel sad about it. It must be me of course as I am common denominator. I think I must just be a bit annoying. I think I need to find other things in life I can enjoy without friends. And try to just enjoy my own company as much as possible. As I can’t handle any more rejection. I love to draw and paint. Maybe I should start doing that again. What other things could be enjoyable on my own? I have never done much reading, but if anyone can recommended easy reading uplifting novels? I think I am just posting in the hope of someone replying to say hi really .

Op, re volunteering - you mention you’re not a people person, neither am I. But I work in retail and am expected to ‘chat’ to customers. In the beginning I found this quite difficult, I just wanted to say ‘Hello, Thankyou, Goodbye’. But it has got much easier as time has gone on and I would now say I’m an expert in mindless chitchat (only when I’m working though) 😀.
I’d also say a lot of people aren’t interested in what you have to say, they just want someone to listen to them, so I just let them ramble on.
Fake it until you make it.

OP, would it help to think of life in terms of different types of 'friendship'. I find people who struggle with friendship (I have been one in my time) often think of it as quite an intense exchange that has a great emotional connection and soul-sharing.

Instead, try to develop some new types of social interaction:

-acquaintance. Start seeing casual interaction as valuable in itself, rather than failing because it doesn't develop into closer friendship. This covers anyone who you are on good terms with where you can enjoy the lightness of the relationship. Go to some keep fit classes, do a sport, yoga, aquaerobics etc and just enjoy being in company and having a mutual giggle occasionally when it's a challenge. These might not be people you see at any other time of week, but it's a healthy exchange for that hour or so. Doing an art class, as you suggest, could be a really good example of this. Learning a skill together is a lovely ice-breaker.

• one-offs. Go on a Meet-Up walk or dinner. You meet people and chat to them. They may never turn up again, but it's still fun. I had a lovely walk with three complete strangers before Christmas. Meet Up is really good as it means you can increase your hobbies without needing friends to join you. They go to the theatre, for lots of hikes, to galleries etc. Just sign up for something you fancy in your area. Lots are free. Some are a few pounds. They even had some good Christmas day activities planned. And you meet all sorts of people.

Maybe try a hobby which in itself creates close contact with others. that way, whether you become friends or not, you still get some of the benefits of close friendship. I'm thinking about things like acting classes, creative writing - anything that asks you to open up a bit and show what's beneath the surface. You can end up feeling very close to people and affectionate towards them even if you aren't friends.

If you don't have one yet, could you get a dog? They are great companions, give you some one to care for and love, and will love you back. They get you out of the house and chatting with fellow walkers.

Would you be interested in volunteering in a way that develops a relationship with someone else. Either as a befriended of an old person, a helper to enable SEN people to have nights out or a supporter of a new mum through Homestart. Again, it's not friendship and doesn't have to be, but it's valuable human interaction and you sound like someone who values that.

If you really want hobbies that don't require any contact with others, the best is reading. Lose yourself in imaginary worlds.

You could get an allotment. Making things grow is so therapeutic and uplifting.

You could look at crafting hobbies - quilting, embroidery etc which you do at hime alone and are very absorbing. Quilters have conventions all around the world so if you wanted to have some contact with others, that would be the route in. Again, no friendship needed but you would find companionship with like-minded people.

Finally, since you sound like you do care about the lack of friendship, have you been to a counsellor or even to one of those social interactions workshops to learn what signals you are giving off that keep people at a distance.

Thank you milliefiori that’s lovely ideas. I am touched that some people care to write for me. I will definitely try some of those

I saw someone mention Zooniverse (www.zooniverse.org/) on another thread where someone was looking for hobbies. I'd never heard of it and so had a look...it's amazing. All sorts of research projects from all sorts of areas looking for on-line volunteers to help them with things from identifying galaxies to interpreting Egyptian scrolls - in many cases no prior knowledge needed.

I’ve one long term friend from my teens and work acquaintances, a couple of which I see socially and that’s it. Plus my family. I get a lot of my support and adult company from my colleagues. I don’t need to go out much in a social sense, once a week or so is plenty as I’m quite an introvert. I prefer spending time with people one to one or in tiny groups. I get lost in big groups.

As for making friends, I think most people stay at acquaintance level apart from a rare few who you suddenly click with.

Have you considered becoming a "my guide" volunteer for guide dogs? It involves taking visually impaired people out and about shopping etc. If they have a guide dog, it may involve going with them to free run their guide dog. If you're interested look on the guide dogs uk website for details.

I think also consider that there are loads of people who don’t actually want to make friends. I don’t, because I’m an introvert. There are actually plenty of extroverts who don’t want to make friends, because they already have more friends than they can keep up with. So if you encounter these types of people, don’t put the blame on yourself for not making friends.

Also, like a pp said, make sure that you actually really want a friend/s rather than wanting to appear to the people in your town as someone who has plenty of friends. You could even just state simply if challenged, oh I’m quite introverted, I just have a couple of good friends.

It’s much better to have your sister and a good friend than a whole load of superficial friendships.

It’s much better to have your sister and a good friend than a whole load of superficial friendships. I agree in a way, but don't undervalue 'superficial' friendships. Steer clear of two -faced friendships, of course, but some really low level acquaintance with fellow dog walkers or fitness freaks can be lovely social interaction without taking it further.

I'm similar OP. I have some friends, but not many to do day to day things with. I recently joined a Meetup walking/hiking group, & go on day trips with them in England, & holidays abroad, it's a lovely balance of having company and enjoying my solitude

If you like children and their company. could you consider volunteering at a primary school where I believe adults listen to children reading? I know some schools here do it and it helps the children a lot with their learning and can develop a love of books.

I don't see anyone much, my choice, so spend time walking, internet, good tv, reading, doing word puzzles, going to the cinema, decorating and gardening.

Could you make your own birthday cards and Christmas cards and decorations?

I would look into volunteering. Food banks are usually desperately short of helpers, so might be worth looking. If you didn't want to interact with the customers, you could probably work behind the scenes sorting the stock.
Try out your local WOmen's Institute. I am not a member, but have a friend who is and she says it is quite modern, and nowhere near as stuffy as you might think!
Check out the notice boards at your library. They usually advertise loads of local events/clubs etc, and may have a book club if that would interest you.
Look at an Open University course.
Ask your Special Care Baby Unit if you can knit hats for their babies. Most units seem to want these.
Go to a paint your own pottery shop, and choose something to do. Probably too expensive to do regularly, but nice for a one off trip.
Get a dog! Great for exercise, and the dog walkers seem to be a pretty social lot.

are you going to start telling me off for not having the right intentions?

Well, a bit, yes.

Ime of problems with relating I do have to look, without judgement, at how I may - or may not, to be fair - be contributing to the dynamic I'm finding so painful. It's not comfortable but I'd rather grasp the nettle than disappear into the pain and despair.

I think that’s entirely fair, @springydaff. OP, no one’s ‘telling you off’ — though it’s interesting that that’s what you think is happening — it’s just that some posters, me included, are saying that if you do want more friends and don’t want to write friendships off entirely yet, it’s worth examining your end of things, your intentions, expectations etc. You acknowledge yourself that the common denominator is you. I asked up the thread whether you were sure you really wanted friends, as there seemed something a bit tokenistic in what you said about wishing you had an excuse for not having any, or worrying that other people found it odd — maybe you don’t, really, want them, and that comes across?

In later life I've come to really love looking at art. I'm a member of a local museum which although its expensive means I make the effort to go to pretty much every exhibition. The more I look the better. I like the end of year shows on art courses as well - often sixth form ones are amazing because you can see the love and emotion in the pieces.

Locally there is a life drawing class that one day I will join. I think that's something you can work on all your life.

I do think the potential shame of being alone, or lonely, or not having successful friendships, can be blinding. I understand and relate to that, very much. It can take a huge effort to look at the situation objectively when the situation is so painful. Ie how am I, unwittingly or not, contributing to this end result.

If I am at all! Friendships are curious things, there are no contracts and they are notoriously fickle and slippery and can swerve on the tiniest nuance or preference. While at the same time causing enormous pain sometimes often. There is so much wrapped up in friendships, potentially great swathes of love, like, rejection and shame, plus identity. It's a tall order and there are skills involved that it's hard to pick out when you're up to your neck in rejection, shame and hurt.

That's a bit deep but, actually, friendships are enormously important and failure, or perceived failure, in friendships can be paralysingly painful sometimes. There's so much wrapped up in them, especially for the sensitive.