How to support DD - not fitting in at school

[insanepizza]

My DD is 12 - in Year 8. I have known something was up for a while and saw a message over Christmas from a girl apologising that everyone was picking on her and that she would try to be nicer to her next term. Tonight she broke down and said she is pretty much ignored and she's utterly miserable.

I have said that we will go and speak to her tutor with her this week. I have run through everything I can think of such as trying to make friends outside her tutor group, reading in tutor room etc. None of these seem to be the answer.

So what do I do, how can I help her? To me she is funny, kind, bright girl. She still likes to play with her little brother and isn't into make up etc. Perhaps that makes her a bit different but she isn't an oddball or anything (not that that justifies unkindness either). She says she isn't being bullied but neither are they being kind.

Any advice on supporting her/what to expect of the school etc. I am so gutted for her.

Poor DD :(

Absolutely see the school as soon as you can. Bullying does not need to be stealing lunch money and flushing your head down the toilet.

Are there any lunchtime clubs or activities she could join? Anyone she can chum about with?

And not to blame your DD or change her, but can you subtly give her an in? e.g. if everyone else is watching Love Island, let her join in even although you really don't want her to.

first I want to make it sure it wasn’t bullying and that my DD knows the full understanding of bullying, the message you say said everyone picking on her? If there is a group of children doing something on a daily basis such as calling her names and laughing about it itis bullying, what does she mean by being ignored? Nobody approaches her or talks to her and she’s on her own all day or when she talks to them they ignore her and in group activities for a lesson she is ignored?

@CandleCandleBurningBright thank you so much for posting advice. We had a Kong chat and a cry together. I am glad she has told me. She definitely has slightly more off beat interests than other girls (she has never been a girlie girl).
We often watch series together so that's not a bad plan about love island. She has one friend who she plays games in the library with sometimes.
Good idea about the lunchtime clubs.
She says if she hangs out elsewhere at lunch (she used to meet library friend a lot more) then it almost makes it worse (they reject her completely).

Could she move tutor groups? In my DD’s school they have a form classes and I know a couple of girls changed forms in year 8 to be with more like minded girls.

Does your DD have any clubs/interests out of school? My youngest DD was really lost at school and had friendship issues but joining a gymnastics club helped her confidence.

Your DD sounds like a lovely girl and I hope things get easier for her.

I think they hang out in their form room and ignore her but she says there isn't really anywhere else to go. She says that she's like their 'last resort'. Ie girl A ignored her but then will talk to her when it's science as there's no one else who is in the same lesson. They've accused her of following them and give her the feeling that she's weird (she isn't!)

The school refuses to move them into different tutor groups

She does a sport and scouts but they both contain girls from her tutor group.

Is this the whole class of girls treating her like this or just one group of girls she wants to be friendly with?
What does DD say about trying to make new friends besides these girls?

I had a completely miserable time at school in year 7 and the first term of year 8 - girls can be so unkind to each other at that age. I even considered moving school - my mum took me to look around other places, but I found that once I knew it was an option, I wanted to stay where I was.

In the end, I found a friend (you only need one!) In a different tutor group and we became inseparable. Towards the second half of year 8, there was a big shake up of friendship groups as one of the really mean girls pushed things too far.

My advice to your DD (and to my younger self!) Would be to stop trying to fit in with the girls being nasty. It doesn't matter if she has close friends in her tutor group - look outside to find someone to spend time with. And know that it doesn't last forever - I'm approaching 30 and have a group of 5 girls from school who are still my closest friends. Including, ironically, the girl who was nastiest to me in year 7. If she can rise above it and be kind, she will win in the end, but it can be awful going through it - big hugs.

Ah it's hard isn't it? DD started year 7 this year & it's huge school. I was hoping she would meet some new people but hasn't 😩 she doesn't have anyone message her, nobody waits for her for lunch, she never sees anyone outside of school. Nobody is nasty & she's quite self contained. But it makes me worry. She's not into dancing, social media etc and likes animals, surfing, bought a scooter with her Christmas money. We just try to do stuff as a family as much as possible & keep offering to her to join things.

It is the biggest group of girls in her tutor group. There are a few other girls who are in pairs who are not her cup of tea. There isn't anyone else in her class (I went through the list!). Obviously lots others in her her year but it's hard to get to know other people well outside your tutor group I believe. I think she's also lost her confidence in making friends.

Her best friend moved away (50 minutes) after year 6 and they keep in touch and see each other. She's also good buddies with a boy in year 7 but they don't speak/hang out at school or scouts just separately.

Thank you so much for your support.

It is just so heartbreaking to watch. I did say to her to stop trying with these girls. One is her best friend from primary school, who is too flaky to stand up for her.

I think I'll tell her to hang out more with library girl.

What is sad is that she said she's now not even sure about scouts (which she has always loved).

I would have DD write a letter about how she is feeling and her day to day life in school it will be easier for her than having to tell a teacher in person or you telling them for them to just read it and then discuss it with you both
I would also make sure they are aware just how much this is upsetting your DD and how you spent the weekend going over this so they can see it’s effecting her home life too
Most upper schools around in my area do a lot of activities during lunch break and after school such as drama, netball, football, cooking I’d enquire about these when seeing the school this week
Me personally I would push for a change of class to give DD a refresh, I encourage my DD1 (11) to be friendly and kind to everyone and she has a good group of friends who are all different and into different things and they all respect each other for who they are she then has this other big group of girls in her year that are all copying one girl in the group and all the same and very much treat everyone else who is not in the group like this, ignores everyone and gives them dirty looks unless they are on they own or the group are being mean to them that day then they want to talk or bother with other people but as soon as other some of this group are there or they back being nice to said girl then they don’t want to know anyone else, my DD’s birthday is coming up soon and recently handed all her group of friends invites for something we are doing and what do you know this group of girls are all over my DD atm and hinting at her birthday event luckily DD knows how they are and doesn’t want to be part of their group at all and really happy with the friends she has and even understands that this group of girls are miserable and all putting on a act not to get push out of the group their in and even said it’s sad to watch I suspect it’s something similar with your DD I’d be discouraging her from trying to bother with this group of girls or letting it get her down and build her confidence back up about how amazing she is and encourage her to be more open to getting to know other girls even if she doesn’t think they are her type of people look for the kind and nice girls and spend time getting to know them, I’d ask her why does she want to be friends with girls who can be so mean and treat people like that it isn’t a nice trait to have at all

Maybe an invite for library girl to come over yours for tea one day this week or a sleepover over the weekend may help build this relationship if DD wants too

This exact thing happened to me during year 7 and unfortunately for me carried on until Year 10 when things sorted themselves out and I started hanging out with more like minded people. I think in year 7/8 it is survival of the fittest and then year 9, friendship groups are sort of established, until around year 10, people start to grow up a bit and become more open minded about friendships. I think even the best of friends can become a little "everyman for himself" in the beginning.

I think her school are being very inflexible on the not moving forms stance. They really should be supporting you with this. I would speak to her year head. I would hope that they would know the children well enough by now to help pair your dd up with at least one more like minded girl in another form. I would really push for it. I was utterly miserable for most of secondary school and was mortified at visibly having no friends and looking completely socially inept when I actually wasn't!

I am mid thirties now and still friends with a group from school, have been their bridesmaids and vice versa.

I was afraid that this might continue until year 10. I am distraught and have hardly slept so appreciate all your advice and answers.

I will email tutor today for a meeting. That is my first step. I've done some reading online too.

My heart is breaking.

My dd had this but was actually bullied.

The best thing was joining a big commitment activity outside school and changing forms (they moved them all around in yr 9). She made some really good friends outside school which took the pressure off. She did make some better friends in school as probably her self esteem went up. She then has moved for 6th form to a school where her outside school friends went.

It might be worth contacting your dds scout leader and asking them to do a talk on bullying behaviour and about being inclusive and having team building exercises to help.

I have heard from her tutor and will be meeting with her tomorrow.

That is not a bad idea about scouts doing something. Unfortunately she does lots of after school things but at all these clubs are girls from her tutor group. We live in a relatively rural area so you come across the same children.

I wish she didn't want to be friends with these girls but she sees no other option in her tutor group and it seems hard to make them outside of that (eg she gets on well with a girl in her maths class but can't seem to develop this further into something outside of Maths).

Pastoral staff here.
Speak to her head of year or head of key stage. They often have a better view of the whole of the year than the form tutor who will often only know their form.
Does she “know” how to make friends? I know a lot of year 8 who need someone else to make the first move and therefore get into a cycle of feeling no one likes them, so look out for opportunities to confirm that. We do a lot of work on how to do small talk!! It’s easier in primary school!
How is her resilience? Can you help with that?
Do lessons and form have a seating plan? If she always sits next to XXX in maths then can she strike up a conversation with them etc.
Does she walk to school with other people? Can she?

@caulkheaded I think you
May be right. She came from a tiny rural village school to the town's large secondary. She was fine in Year 7 and friends with these girls but come Year 8 they've decided she's weird and should be ignored. They know they're being mean as she had a text message saying 'sorry everyone's been picking on you and that I haven't been that nice I will be nicer next year" from one of the girls.

She does walk to the bus stop with two year 8's. They are pleasant but in the other half of the year so don't see each other at school and haven't clicked quite. The library friend she made on the bus. Maths friend I think she can't 'convert' into a friend.

She's never invited round to anyone's house and petrified of having anyone here except library friend who has been for the odd sleepover. So she isn't entirely friendless but her everyday people in her tutor group are unkind.

DS struggled to find his feet in Year 7 and Year 8. it got better in Year 9 because they started GCSE options and he was mixed with a wider range of children, not mainly just those in his class.

During Year 7 and Year 8 he ended up making friends with a group that was outside of his class. This was mostly through a shared interest (computer games in his case). He also identified another boy in his class who was always left on the fringes and the 2 of them palled up just so that they had someone.

I think your DD needs to accept that this group of girls are not her friends (even if they are encouraged to be more welcoming by the tutor) and she needs to broaden her horizons and try to stop worrying about them. I'd suggest she starts sitting with other people at lunch, consider joining clubs etc

Girls this age are awful to each other.

It’s about power, they want to secure their own position and bond with the others by excluding someone. It’s nothing to do with your DD.

When they call her weird, she should just say: ‘I’d rather be weird than a bully.’ And not bother with them anymore. Once they can’t use her to boost their own status, they will find someone else.

It sounds like your DD does have friends, just not these mean girls. I’d focus on building your DDs self esteem, isn’t it lovely that you aren’t one of the bullies, book her into some things linked to her interests.

It feels like the end of the word, but it all dies down by year 10 (when everyone is obsessed with boys!)

My older DC tell me that their friendship groups came from the people in their lessons rather than their tutor groups as they only saw them for a short period each day. Definitely speak to her class tutor and the pastoral care team so they’re aware of how she’s feeling.

Lunchtime or after school clubs are a great idea. Some are quite niche and attract fewer kids so it can be easier to get to know people.

If your daughter is less keen to be friends with this group chances are she will magically become more attractive to them. Groups like this thrive on people wanting to join them and the power of making them feel bad or lesser. If your daughter is uninterested she will hold the power and will hopefully decide that she wants nothing to do with them because they aren’t kind.

Social exclusion is a form bulllying and often the way it happens to girls. My daughter had this problem when she was younger.

Could you find opportunities to spend time with girls outside her year group, like helping out with younger kids or working in the library. You might have to suggest some of these things to the teachers.

I found that structured activities like clubs or lessons were the way to go because at least she couldn't be excluded. Even better if they are with a group of kids not all from her school, but we live in a city so there were more available.

Definitely speak to the school. My dc has huge issues with friendships (in her case down to ADHD and autism). She goes to a board games lunch club at school and has made a couple of friends. It's not a disability group - she goes to a disability lunchtime group as well to support her with life skills - just a group for kids who struggle to fit in with the crowd. The Pastoral team in school will deal with this all the time