Hidden credit card

[theremustbeaomethinginthewater]

Me and DH have been married a year, together for four, one young DS and another due this spring.

I have a credit card that DH has occasionally asked about, but I've always played down how much is on there.

I also have two overdrafts from when I was a student, and recently we were talking about doing a balance transfer to get them paid off. They total £4k and DH knows about both of them.

We both work full time, good jobs, good income together.

DH often questions when I spend money, how much, and what on, how much have I got left for the month etc etc. It drives me nutty. As a consequence, I've played down the credit card but over the last year (including wedding and honeymoon costs, clothes here and there, odd weekly shops etc) it's racked up steadily to £2,500. My monthly wage is slightly less than this. Annoyed that I let it happen.

I can't pay it back this year as will be on maternity, but paying a little bit each month, and then was going to start chipping away at it the year after. Not at all concerned about it, and haven't used it since end of honeymoon in August.

Anyway, today, an hour before we were due to leave for a family event, DH said he had gone into my phone, checked my online banking app, and has seen that I have amassed this money he didn't know about. He is really angry, says it's unforgivable, a huge betrayal.

I should have told him what I spent, I know that, but I didn't want him to worry about it (he has debts of his own and we factor these into our outgoings and still live relatively comfortably), I was going to deal with my own debts myself over the next few years.

We are now at family event, he isn't really looking at me or talking to me, but I know I'm in for a really hard conversation tonight. Really scared, worried he will leave me. :(

Maybe sit down write down your incoming vs outgoings, how much you can afford to pay off etc. Set up a budget. Be open n honest n transparent. Lying and hiding stuff doesn't help, although I realise his constant questioning must be annoying for your guilty conscience.

To be fair it sounds like he has suspicions for a while otherwise why would he keep asking? Unless he is financially quite controlling, which is always a possibility given he logged onto your banking apps. I'd be furious, but also I'd be equally furious had my DP tracked up over a months salary in debt and hidden it from me.

I think that the honest conversation and a budget is long overdue, with All debts coming from the family budget

Yes I'm glad it's out in the open but worried about the consequences now

He works in finance and has always controlled money in the house, I don't think he was checking through suspicion, though

To be honest I'd be furious with you too. It's huge amount to keep secret from him. Can you share your payoff plans with him and apologise profusely?

@kitk yep

Money is a really big thing. You need to be one the same page to make it work, and you've been hiding stuff from him, actively. That will hurt him for sure.

I'd leave you for this.

I've been there, where your DH is, and I foolishly stayed. The relationship limped on for years before I'd finally had enough.

You shouldn't have lied. It is a betrayal.

Why did you do it?

You have been utterly dishonest. I would see this as seriously threatening my marriage if DH did this. You have to have trust and you sound like a financial nightmare who has lied as well

Sorry but the whole "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to worry you" excuse does not wash. I've been in is this same situation with DH several times before (him with the hidden debt) and I always get the same line trotted out. It's absolute bullshit. You didn't tell him because you know you're up shit creek without a paddle and didn't want to have to admit to it. My DH has amassed £15k in debt, mostly behind my back so obviously on a greater scale than yours, but it's now at the point that it's seriously threatening our marriage. From your DHs perspective, it feels like a massive betrayal. Own up to everything, and let him help your sort it out instead of sticking your head in the sand. You're a partnership at the end of the day.

I'd be really mad if my DH did this and didn't disclose it. I think it's fine within a relationship not to have to account for everything you spend, but transparency when it comes to debt is so important because it has the ability to impact the way the family live. I'd imagine part of the stress for him in this situation is that you're going to be on maternity leave, which is probably additional financial stress as it is.

You say he has debt, how are you handling those?

DH had large US student debts when we got together and I know it made him feel insecure in our relationship because the repayments meant we weren't saving. I was okay with it and helped him come up with a plan to tackle it, but if I'd been amassing debts behind his back in that situation I think he'd have felt incredibly betrayed.

I think you need to have a sincere apology ready and a plan of how you're going to pay it back in hand for when you have the chat. The debt has clearly floored him, he's right to be annoyed. For the frivolous spend ( outfits etc) maybe a pledge to not buy anything new until the debt is paid off? For the food shops and wedding stuff these should be shared costs so maybe an honest conversation about why you felt you needed to put them on the credit card rather than asking him for money towards them? I think an apology, an understanding of how long it's going to take you to pay it off and physically cutting up the card is the minimum you need to go into tonight with. Definitely call him out on snooping too though.

Why are the wedding and honeymoon costs on your card? That would only be ok if he has spend the same amount.

Are you gambling?

Is he disappointed because as a couple you tried for a 2nd baby but he wasn't aware of this debt before doing so? Perhaps he feels bthat a lower household income during maternity leave, plus increased childcare costs will make it hard to pay this off? Maybe he wanted the full picture before trying for a 2nd child?

Go through the items on the credit card so he can see what you spent money on. For example your housekeeping joint fund isn’t stretching far enough he needs to know.
Or are you buying a load of shit that you don’t need and spending a fortune on things you’ll only use once and that’s why it’s your guilty secret credit card?

Be honest. You have joint responsibilities and if you are unable to pay it could impact on him. You’d be better switching to a 0% card. Cut up your old one so this never happens again. Less apr to pay and you’ll get it paid off quicker.

You have a baby coming and he’s going to have to do the lions share of bills so no wonder he’s pissed off.

Sounds like he’s suspected you for a while. However there’s a difference between being financially controlling and being concerned that his life mate is spending a fortune she quite frankly doesn’t have on crap. Make sure it’s not the former.

I don’t think you’ve been very responsible letting the card amount keep going up & not being honest with him.
Having a baby is expensive and now you’ve dumped £2.5K on him aswelll, completely out of order, you’ve not even looked at transferring the balance to a 0% interest card to give you a bit of leeway.
That’s ridiculous .
I don’t think you should have a credit card if you have such a cavalier attitude
I’d be livid if I was him!

How does he think those things were paid for?

Why is it ok that he has debts and you don't?

He works in finance. There are some careers where debt is a red flag and some employers who check employees'/potential employees' credit scores, etc. Your post reads that you have been hiding your overspending from him and you're now minimising it.

He went into your online banking without your permission? That's fraud.

£2.5k debt is not ideal, but unless you are gambling or frivolous spending on shit, then on a 2 salary household, it's not a huge deal - provided its on a 0% card and not costing you anything.

What are his debts? I hope he's declared every penny of income and expenditure to you!

And... He works in finance. There are some careers where debt is a red flag and some employers who check employees'/potential employees' credit scores, etc. Your post reads that you have been hiding your overspending from him and you're now minimising it.

Debt does not equal poor credit. Some jobs do credit CHECK (credit scores are a meaningless marketing tool), to check no court judgements as a risk assessment. OP did not say she wasn't servicing her debt.

True - however if he's going to be covering the bulk of the outgoings he may be worried about being able to and the consequences.

I don't think he had the right to look at your app, however you have been deceitful and lied to him. Decisions like moving house and having children should be with full financial disclosure and for many people they will time this around financial situations.

He works in finance. There are some careers where debt is a red flag and some employers who check employees'/potential employees' credit scores, etc.

1. It isn't his debt.
2. That isn't how it happens. Credit 'scores' are meaningless.