Advice needed husbands affair but he won’t move out. Do I have any rights?

[PurpleStars2]

I wonder if anyone can help me.

A week prior to Xmas I found some text messages that seemed to imply husband of 17 years was having a EA. Due to the timing of it I took him back. On Xmas Eve he came clean to me and our 2 kids that it was a affair but they hadn’t slept together but he was leaving me to be with her, she is also married with children and she also ended her relationship that night.

I’ve excepted my marriage is over, the kids have not taken it well. At the moment he is still living with us but the atmosphere is toxic. He goes out to see her every night and has dropped all his responsibilities towards the kids so I’m having to do absolutely everything. The way he speaks to me is absolutely disgusting it’s clear there is clear hatred towards me despite me trying to remain amicable as I don’t want to live in this environment.

I own a much greater share in our property. Between us we have agreed a settlement figure for me to buy him out. He wanted to move out ASAP.

I’ve started the ball rolling on that and instructed solicitors. The plan was for me to buy him out so me and and the children could continue living here until I find out what secondary school the eldest gets then that will decide where we need to move to, to downsize as we can’t afford to live here long term.

However he came home last night and dropped the bombshell that he’s now changed his mind and wants to continue living here, instead of renting like he originally planned. He has already found somewhere to rent.
Hes had a chat with the other woman and she doesn’t agree with renting, they now want to buy somewhere together.

The other woman isn’t in the position to move out to buy somewhere else with my husband at the moment so they both want to continue living in their marital homes until the time is right, he’s given me a approximate timeframe of about a year but apparently it could be more.

I physically can’t live with him anymore, me and the kids are absolutely miserable they want him gone as much as I do. If he was being civil towards us that would be one thing but he’s not he is making our lives a misery. I just want to move on with my life but I can’t with him here.

I’ve not taken legal advice as up until yesterday we had agreed a settlement and maintenance and everything was sorted.

Can anyone advise me on if I have any rights here to get him out?

Can you afford to move out? If so, then do that.

Then put the house in the market, or tell him to buy you out. He will have to pay you cm if the children are with you, plus pay the bills on the house. He'll soon realise the grass isn't greener!

Sell the house?

Maybe you should get some legal advice.

Sorry no advice but what a bastard. And your poor DC having a dad who cares so little for his family. I hope you can get some good legal advice soon.

Do not move out! That was the firm advice I got from a solicitor. She was spot on.

Go to see your solicitor and see what they have to say.

In the meantime do not do any cooking, cleaning or laundry for your H. None at all. I actually found this hard initially but it was cathartic hearing him whine about it to his mates (we both work full time).

Don’t delay getting your legal advice, this is a real shitty part of breaking up but it will get better.

Don’t move out- the Other woman would move in as quick as a flash. Take legal advise and fight the bastard

What a scumbag to do that on christmas eve op. I would speak to you're solicitor and see what she says. In terms of his behaviour what has been doing? Intimating abusive etc? You can ask you're solicitor about a non molestation order which would remove him from the property but it dependant on the type of behaviour he is displaying.

Don’t move out- the Other woman would move in as quick as a flash. Take legal advise and fight the bastard

Agree ^^

“I own a much greater share in our property”

I’m afraid that’s not how it works.

He may have agreed to be reasonable in the first few days but he’s now deciding that you are the enemy and he wants his fair share.

There’s a bit of a syndrome that instead of men feeling guilty about affairs, they twist it in their minds to blame their original partner.

Get good legal advice. But in the battle ahead don’t get too confrontational as solicitors are the only ones that win, the charges are ridiculous. Family mediation can work well.

Sorry no advice about getting him out, you might need to detach and live with it for a while. Make sure he can’t clean out joint accounts.

Don’t lift a finger for him though. Bastard.

Don’t move out. See if you can rearrange rooms so that he has his own space and don’t cook or wash for him he buys his own food does his own washing etc.
Tell him that since you’re technically separated then you’re going to start as you mean to go on. Ie no cooking washing etc x number of days/nights a week he’s got contact with the children and gets them up takes them to school cooks tea puts them to bed etc.

I have no intention to move out, I only work part time and my wage wouldn't even cover the rent. As rentals are so expensive in our area, I think that has contributed towards his decision.

Husband can't afford to buy me out full stop.

I've already had valuations on the property to work out a buy out settlement figure, if I put the house on the market and sold would that work? His name is on the deeds so I'm assuming he would also need to sign?

I've only done one house sell previously but the house was in my own name so only me signing the paperwork.

A year? He’s having a laugh. I wouldn’t be surprised if the ow is backtracking and you will end up stuck with him after all.

I would start divorce proceedings straight away and sort the financials alongside.

Agree do not move out however awful it gets.

Get legal advice ASAP.

Yeah the ow is getting cold feet. You can force a sale. I bloody would.

Don’t you need both to sign to sell a house if you’re both in the dress?

You are married so he has a right to live in the house. Divorce solicitor needed now - don't agree to anything until you know what the court would consider reasonable.

No, you just need a court order. Courts like you to sort things out like adults though.

So sorry to hear this. Do get some proper legal advice. When my 1st marriage went pear shaped my exh actually said he wanted me to throw him out..I was playing the long game so I just battened down the hatches till he moved out.
Does he have his own bedroom in the house. Put a lock on yours. You’re entitled to some privacy.
Even so keep valuables and documents with a trusted person.
Until the divorce And I got the house he had his own key. Once it was mine, I changed the door , never mind the lock.
It’s horrible living in an oppressive atmosphere, like a bad smell you can’t get rid of, but when they’re gone, it’s wonderful.

How old are the children?
They sound old enough to under what is going on.

Il be getting legal advice first thing Monday.

Yes we have separate bedrooms and all the paperwork is already with a trusted family member.

As we've already agreed on a settlement figure and child maintenance and pensions I'm hoping all that will go smoothly.

It's just the uncertainty of him moving out that is filling me with utter dread. It wasn't a particularly happy marriage to begin with but this living together in these circumstances is just dreadful.

Sorry you're going through this OP. Stay busy with the kids, dont do anything for him and deep breaths until you get your advice on monday.

Definitely get legal advice and don't rise to him being an arsehole. As a PP said, the courts like you to try sort things out as adults so be the adult and let him carry on being the foot-stomping toddler, when my parents split up my mum got everything she asked for because she acted calmly and rationally while my dad pissed the judge off several times by ranting on about how unfair it all was.

The only way you could force him to leave would be via court order such as an Occupation Order but there are criteria you must meet to be able to apply, he would need to have been/is being abusive (including verbal abuse and emotional abuse).

If he will sit down and talk then you need to work out a plan. Separate everything - rooms, laundry, cooking and mealtimes, bank accounts, social lives, etc. Assign a bedroom to you and a bedroom to him, put a lock on your door or set up a camera in case he goes snooping (you can get them cheaply on Amazon for around £25+). Don't shop for him, don't cook for him, and don't do his washing. He's basically a lodger now so treat him as such. If he won't have the discussion, make a note of the day and time and that you tried then arrange your own room and your own food, etc. He can sort his out himself.

Agree what days he is having the DC and how much maintenance he will be paying you, even while he's living in the same house he needs to pay maintenance. If he refuses to pay, contact CMS.

If at any time he becomes threatening or you are concerned for your safety, phone the police.

Get a lock for the fridge. Lock laundry supplies in your locked bedroom.

You poor thing.
Glad you see how important it is for you to stay in the house despite the hell he is putting you through.
I agree, start living separately under one roof, do not do any domestic chores for him.
How long was the marriage? How much equity is in the property?
Do you have a joint bank account?
I suggest you take a look at the government funded Wikivorce website and post full financial details on there. You will get great advice and support and they helped me hugely when I self repped.
Stay strong, you can do this.

The way he speaks to me is absolutely disgusting it’s clear there is clear hatred towards me despite me trying to remain amicable as I don’t want to live in this environment.

I would ask a solicitor whether his behaviour gives grounds for an occupation order.

Given you are part time, primary carer to children and married, I would also be pursuing pension sharing and majority equity of the house, potentially even staying in the house until youngest is 18 - with majority equity settlement to you, by sale or by you buying him out, at that time.

You may be able to get spousal maintenance. Apply for child maintenance now as that takes time to come through. Ensure that child benefit is in you name.

Do not agree to 50/50 on the children where that was not the case previously. He would be doing this only to reduce the financial settlement you will need to rebuild you life and care for those children.

With a character like this I would caution that mediation may not be effective and that it could result in wasted time and money. At minimum, you need good family solicitor advice.

Don't tell him your plans. He's not your friend, he is now the adversary - and nothing makes powerful enemies like battles over money and property. Be careful who else you confide in, his family, mutual friends, anyone who may relay info back to him. Secure essential documents off site.

Do not move out of that house.

If you do, he may move the other woman in, you will be considered "rehoused" wherever you now live and you will weaken your financial position considerably. 💐

He's not a lodger and an affair is not a reason to get an occupational order
He would need to agree to the sale. Basically you're stuffed legally. Will have to try and find a solution between you.