Sexsomnia - anyone have any experience of this

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I was not sure where to post, so please suggest where if need be and I will request a post move.

Has anyone had experience of being in a relationship with someone who suffers with sexsomnia?

I am in a year long relationship and this past weekend was the third occasion that DP began groping me during the night. It is also the third time that I have slept with him on a night where he had had too much to drink.

After it happened on the 2nd occasion I discussed this with him (the first time was the first night I slept with him and I thought he was awake, but now know he wasn't), he definitely did not know what he had done during the night and was as shocked as I was. He agreed to cut down his drinking as this seemed to be the trigger. Everything has been fine since, if he has a few glasses of wine or drinks in moderation then things are fine. This past weekend he drank a lot at a function, this time it was different, in that he seemed more determined if that is how I can word it. I woke him on numerous occasions to roll over and stop it, which worked for a while, then it continued. I did eventually have to sleep in the other room.

I have considered ending it over this. But then the other part of thinks about how I know him. This is so out of character as he is such a gentle person, is not aggressive or like that at all. He clearly doesn't remember doing it, and is just as devastated.

I have read up a bit about it, strangely enough he has just been diagnosed with sleep apnoea and will be getting a breathing machine to use at night within the next few weeks.

I just don't know how I feel about this. I was very upset as I felt violated. But then, I know he didn't purposely do it, and it is a sleep disorder. I have told him I need a bit of breathing space so have agreed not to see each other this week or weekend until I can just get my head around this.

I can't talk to anyone I know about it. If I can chat it out with someone else who has been in this situation, I would really appreciate any words or advise.

He needs to stop getting pissed. That is the problem and why he can’t remember. Grim.

Well if the trigger is alcohol, then he needs to stop drinking. There's no point in him being devastated if he's not willing to actually do something about it. He needs to just quit alcohol. It's not hard to do for someone you love. Women have to do it all the time!

Are you sure he's asleep and not just pissed?

Oh DFOD. Being repeatedly groped by someone who is unaware of their surroundings and is being forceful is not normal relationship stuff. Consent doesn't disappear because you're in a relationship with someone. This is like the old 'no such thing as rape when you're married' shite.

Christ almighty. Depressing that other women think this way or have such low standards.

The problem is being groped when you are trying to sleep and not in the mood for consensual sex lilmiss!

Just because you are in a relationship with, and sharing a bed with, someone, does not give that someone the green light to have sex with you when you don't want it!

OP - he can help it. Alcohol is the trigger. He needs not to drink to excess or else sleep on the sofa when he's had too much.

Yes he is definitely asleep, but also drunk on these occasions, yes.

He did drink more heavily when we first met and he has cut down a lot. That was the crux of the first conversation re this. He has said that he is going to stop completely, but it has only happened when he has been drinking whiskey. If he has wine etc, it doesnt happen.

It isn't in his character to do this intentionally. I am 100 sure of that. He is not a 'forceful" person.

Rather

The OP stated she was being "groped", not that someone was trying to have sex with her.

If he’s truly shocked by this and knows it’s wrong and knows you don’t want it happening that should be enough to make him stop drinking.

I personally think he’s pissed, horny and making excuses afterwards by claiming he has this, so he can continue.

Send him off to a doctor. I bet he won’t go.

lilmiss

What's the problem with him touching you?
Violated ?
Really?

Really? You would be okay with that? It is called consent. I don't want to be fondled and have sex when I don't want to. And because it is not in his normal gentle manner when we usually do have sex, this is very different.

Maybe you don't know about this disorder. He does not know he is doing it.

He's not some complete stranger. You are already willingly having sex and in a relationship with him, sharing a bed with him

What's the problem with him touching you?

Being in a relationship doesn't mean consent isn't needed. If your partner says no but you persist, it's not on.

OP he needs to stop drinking, if he doesn't then he doesnt really care that much.

Or if you don't really want to address it too deeply which is your right, then don't share a bed with him when he has been.

I only take offence from people whose opinions I care about so no worries there!

Anyway OP, Whether he's doing it on purpose or not, the point is that it seems to be in his power to stop and he's choosing not to. The solution is right there: he just doesn't drink because when he does, he is risking touching you in a way that you are uncomfortable with. If he doesn't care enough about that to stop drinking then that says it all

Wow. Some people's ideas around consent are fucked.

OP

I agree, he needs to quit drinking

Are there really people who can't see what is wrong with this? I have been with DH for 24 years and I would never touch him sexually or grope his genitals when he was asleep and unable to consent. Why the hell would you want to?! I might snuggle up to his back or warm my feet up on his leg, but it would feel all kinds of wrong to use his body sexually while he's not conscious. He would NEVER do it to me either.

I'm sceptical about "sexsomnia" personally. But even if it really is involuntary, he can stop it by giving up alcohol, or sleeping elsewhere. Dickhead.

Yep

My dh had it a long time ago.

We ended up not sleeping in the same bed so I could sleep all night without getting pestered

He genuinely did not know he was doing it.

He now has quatiapine in the evening so couldn’t do it even if he wanted to

Mashed

He never claimed he had this. I searched information on it and found out about this disorder.

It is a disorder and also linked with sleep apnoea. Coincidentally he has just been diagnosed with OSA. He is getting a CPAP machine for this. So i do believe that this is the case. BUT it does not make it less difficult to digest.... do i end a relationship because of it? Does he stop social drinking completely just in case one night it happens again. (As i said he has cut down a lot and agreed to not drink whiskey as we know this is a trigger).

Just need to get this off my chest and to see if anyone else has a partner that has had this condition.

gamerchick

This is where we are at the moment. I cannot force the man to stop having a social drink. I feel like I am then making him choose between that and me. But then again i don't want to be in that position again, so that night and the following night it was separate beds.

It is just a difficult thing to process. I really do love him and we are so good together. I know this is his choice. He is one of the lads, he loves a drink and is the life of the party. It is his personality. It will be a huge life change for him. I am not sure that I want to force him to make that change. Or do i just walk away. I am very torn.

Soubriquet

That is a bipolar medication isn't it?

Do you think there is/was a link there at all?

Yeah, my ex had “sexsomnia” (in his case, actually a complete lack of regard for my consent and a handy excuse).

Real or not, can you imagine discovering that you’d sexually assaulted your partner because you were drunk, and then continuing to get drunk and share a bed?

You can’t make him stop drinking but you can choose whether to stay with him.

At the very least, if he won’t stop drinking, he needs to sleep in that spare bed when he’s been drinking. I would never get into a bed with him after he’s been drinking.

Turkey

This is a bit different from just rolling over to your bed partner and waking him/her for a bit of nookie because you are in the mood.

He doesn't know he is doing it. I am 100 sure of that.

I don't see the problem tbh.
You say he only does it if he has drunk a lot and last time you slept in the spare room, then just do this.
When he's drunk more than a couple, either he or you sleeps in the spare.
It won't be much fun sleeping with the machine anyway.

Drabarni

Yes its the only time.

I don't know if I am overreacting about it. This is why i posted. I know how I felt, and I didn't feel good about it, so that is what I am going on processing wise.

The machine noise will be a lot better than snoring and gasping I am sure

He does know he does it after drinking. Yet he chooses to drink heavily and then sleep in the same bed as you.
So he knows the risk and doesn’t care.

I'm not trying to underplay what it must be like, the snoring and gasping must be the same, my dh is quite worried about me doing it, I make his life hell, bless.
But, we've been together over 30 years and to us this stuff is little, ie one goes in another room.
If the snoring and sex thing are different issues then maybe just go separate if he has drunk a lot.
Especially if it's only once in a while like xmas.
I think there's only you who knows what you are able to stand, we weren't always like this, but it's our normal now and sex life hasn't suffered at all, far from it.