Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

My daughter

27 replies

Ktommo88 · 16/01/2020 13:27

My daughter is 12 years old and she wants to stay at her friends this friday. Im ok with this but its her dads weekend and he is refusing to allow her to stay out as its his weekend. I understand but shes 12 and getting to the point where she wants to be with her friends more and because he is constantly saying no to her she wants me to contact a solicitor and let her decide wether she goes to his or not. What do i do?

OP posts:
RightEarlobeBreath · 16/01/2020 13:28

You send her to her dads.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 16/01/2020 13:29

would he be willing to swap weekends with you

Whynosnowyet · 16/01/2020 13:30

A judge would deem her relationship with her df more important than the one with her friend.
Maybe she could ask him to compromise and allow her to attend specific events in his time? . Presumably she sees friend at school.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

12 year olds Families
Original poster
Ktommo88 · 16/01/2020 13:30

Ive asked he said no.

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 16/01/2020 13:31

Can she call her dad and discuss this?
Does he never want her doing anything on 'his weekend'? Why should you always have 'your weekend' disrupted so she can carry on real life?
Does he imagine she will always be at his from 6pm Friday to 6pm Sunday? I can't see that ending well....what about birthday parties or saturday jobs etc.....

Mumdiva99 · 16/01/2020 13:33

"A judge would deem her relationship with her df more important than the one with her friend.
Maybe she could ask him to compromise and allow her to attend specific events in his time? . Presumably she sees friend at school."

Is that right? Are kids with separated parents not allowed to do anything else apart from see the parents? Surely a dad being that inflexible will be damaging his relationship with his daughter anyway....Can't he just arrange for her to stay at his another night instead?

Nomorelaundry · 16/01/2020 13:34

If he only gets to see her EOWE then I'm team Dad. Is this a friend she sees everyday in school?

Whynosnowyet · 16/01/2020 13:35

Sadly I agree with him. Me and exh had supposed 50 /50 but he allowed dc to arrange sleepovers /extra activities in my time.
Once in court he pulled out numerous football trophies of ds's to prove ds should be at practice numerous nights a week!! Mostly my nights. He was told straight his relationship with me and his siblings was the priority..
Can she not have friends over to his house?

Original poster
Ktommo88 · 16/01/2020 13:35

We both tried talking to him all he did was shout and said she has no choice. We had a verbal agreement about all this and i think he has a right to see her but that was my choice as hes not on the birth certificate. And he has her friday after school till monday morning she comes home after school mondays on his weekends.

OP posts:
Nomorelaundry · 16/01/2020 13:37

Does he have her every weekend?

Whynosnowyet · 16/01/2020 13:37

Just quoting what happened in our case.
Can't speak for all judges..

Original poster
Ktommo88 · 16/01/2020 13:40

Its a long story with him. He didnt have anything to do with her for nearly 4 years until i got in a serious relationship. My daughter is close with her stepdad and has been from the begining where her dad came in 4 years promised her things he ended up breaking and letting her down alot. I never stopped him seeing her as im not like that. But hes constantly telling her what she can and cant do and she just snapped. Shes a strong willed girl and and has such a big heart and been through so much including getting hit by a car. She just wants 1 night at her friends and he wont let her

OP posts:
Original poster
Ktommo88 · 16/01/2020 13:40

No every 2 weeks

OP posts:
Nomorelaundry · 16/01/2020 13:43

Well if there is a set routine you just tell her that she knows when her time with him is and she is going to need to schedule her social life for that.

Whynosnowyet · 16/01/2020 13:43

So she has the other week ends to see her friends. Encourage that imo.
As the dp who got the shoddy end of seeing the dc I can tell you it's difficult keeping /maintaining a relationship with dc as it is, different rules /boundaries etc.
Yabu to agree her df is in the wrong on this. Helping her accept she has other opportunities to see friends is the best for her ime.

coragreta · 16/01/2020 13:44

Imagine if you only saw your daughter 2 in 14 days. Would you want her to go to a sleepover?
It's rubbish. But it is what it is.
Your daughter should talk to him face to face. And explain. Maybe next time they could stay at yours on your weekend?

Original poster
Ktommo88 · 16/01/2020 13:49

I offered to do the sleepover next weekend (my weekend) shes just kicking off over it. I agree with most of you she should see her dad on his weekends and change dates to my weekends as i have her all week. Shes very stubborn and she sets her mind to something she wont change it i just put on here to see what advice people would give me

OP posts:
ThatThereWoman · 16/01/2020 13:49

It's really tricky to know when she is old enough to override her fathers wishes (and hence when you still need to enforce them). Possibly she is still too young to decide not to see her father, and you probably need to enforce the arrangement. You are getting close to the age limit though when (I think) the child can decide for themselves. (I don't know what a court would say). Has she tried to speak to him direct?

My dds went through a similarly reluctant stage as they started developing social lives etc. I can't remember what age they were when they stopped going to him for the whole weekend, but definitely by the age of 14 though they didn't want to stay with him and now just stay at home on "his" weekends. They go out for dinner /brunch etc with him instead.

Andtwomakesix · 16/01/2020 14:06

I feel for your daughter as she just wants to live like a normal 12 year old but is caught up in the agreement between her parents. I am not in the same situation as my ex doesn't really spend time with his kids but when we was considering seeing them every weekend I did point out they have hobbies and birthday parties often and that they cut into my time with them so its only fair they cut into his time with them. He agreed. And if it was a problem he could always agree to see them after school / for tea etc.

Whynosnowyet · 16/01/2020 14:14

Why feel sorry for a dd with a df who actually wants to see her?
Odd...

Original poster
Ktommo88 · 16/01/2020 14:16

I dont wanna argue or go court for all this. I know i have to enforce it until shes old enough to enforce it herself. Hes agreed to let her go friday and he has her till tuesday which i ageed straight away what i dont get is why he didnt compromise from the start.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 16/01/2020 14:20

Did you read that he didn't see her at all for four years, @Whynosnowyet? His choice.

Nomorelaundry · 16/01/2020 14:20

Maybe he has his own plans that were set before her little drama.

Oliversmumsarmy · 16/01/2020 14:25

Surely long term at the first opportunity the Dd is going to say no to going round to her dads

He had 4 years he missed out on and only seems to have stuck his oar in when he thought he could disrupt ops life.

I have known divorced fathers stop their children doing activities on their time
It doesn’t end well

MurrayTheMonk · 16/01/2020 14:30

It's unfortunate but what he says for his time (assuming it's not harmful to the kid) goes.
If my dd's want to do something that falls on their dads weekend then I tell them to ask him (and follow up with a text to let him know what and when they've been asked to do, because they always forget to ask) and vice versa.