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How to get baby to sleep.

31 replies

Horehound · 15/01/2020 20:13

My boy is 19 weeks and generally only goes down after falling asleep on me. Either feeding or just being walked about.
In the last few days when i put him into his cot he cries pretty much immediately. Or turns into his tummy and then cries.
I don't want to do the cry it out method but I'm bit sure how to get him to self sooth if he just cries immediately?!

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Camomila · 15/01/2020 20:16

Does he need to self sooth for any reason? eg. because he's going to childcare soon.

Otherwise I'd just continue what you are doing, then wait 10mins (so he's properly asleep) and put him gently in the cot.

gaffamate · 15/01/2020 20:20

Yes just wait for the 'dead arm' when you pick up their arm and it flops back and they don't move, that's when you transfer to cot. Don't worry about self soothing, they learn it at different times. My DD couldn't self soothe until 3. DS seems to so it at 4 months unless really overtired.

Horehound · 15/01/2020 20:24

No particular reason really to be honest. More like I just thought it's something we should do otherwise it'll be harder further down the line?
At the moment his main sleep starts really late at night so I was wanting to try and get him to sleep around 7. I'm just not sure how to do it.
And today's naps just went shit because he cried as soon as I put him down and so we went round in circles until yes, he had the dead arm then went down.

Uft I'm just tired and want some evening time to myself :(

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Horehound · 15/01/2020 20:26

Like I messaged my mum to say about the naps going to pot today and she told me I need to be strict with him otherwise it will be even worse later down the line
But I don't want to be strict with him. We don't let him cry really we go to him as soon he cries

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Drinkciderfromalemon · 15/01/2020 20:30

Mine always calmed fast and went off when we stroked forehead to nose and back. No idea why, but she found it very soothing - when we put her in her cot and did that for a few minutes she was fast asleep. Probably not a top tip though!!

Horehound · 15/01/2020 20:33

I used to be able to stroke his nose when he was having his daytime naps but that doesn't work now cause he just wakes as soon as he's down. And also he used to take a dummy but doesn't take that either now
I read that babies shouldn't be relying on a "prop" such as a breast to get them to sleep.

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amazedmummy · 15/01/2020 20:43

If your mum is of the same generation as my mum then they have a thing about "making a rod for your own back". Just smile and agree and do what suits you. No matter what you decide to do as a parent there seems to be research for and against. My DS is only 8 weeks but I'm not worried about cuddling him too much, one day he won't want me to cuddle him at all and I'll be so happy that I spent these weeks doing just that.

MrsPerfect12 · 15/01/2020 20:44

Sound sleeper app is good if you're stuck.

Horehound · 15/01/2020 20:46

@amazedmummy yep, heard that phrase many times. She's 60

You are right about it only being a short time but I was worried if the rod I am apparently creating is going to be horrendous to undo. I guess I just feel like she and my granny's etc all have the experience and I don't know what's coming!

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Camomila · 15/01/2020 21:00

My mum (63), and her similar age friends/my aunties never said anything like that to me and they were a bit confused by the concept of 'self soothing'...they are from a different culture. I/DBro/my cousins all slept eventually/turned into normal productive adults.
MIL (from another different culture) also gave different baby advice from my DM and again DH and BIL turned out ok.

I guess what I'm saying is that there's no one 'right' way to do things, so if you don't like the idea of leaving your baby to cry don't feel you have to just because some people did/do.

Foldinthecheese · 15/01/2020 21:26

The thing is, there will always be some issue in the future. That’s how babies are: just when you think you’ve cracked it they start teething, or go through a sleep regression, or start pulling themselves up to stand and it all goes to shit again. I know the sleep thing is really hard. My third baby just turned one and still doesn’t sleep through, although she has a handful of times, so I know she can do it. I’m very tired and burnt out, but leading up to her first birthday all I could think about was how much I missed cuddles with a little baby. Just enjoy them while you have them and trust that the rest will sort itself out over time.

However, I am a big fan of a bedtime. If you already have a routine in place, the best thing to do is to just gradually move it earlier and earlier until you get to your desired bedtime. Actually getting him to sleep will take a while at first, but his body clock will gradually adjust and it will become much easier. I think it also helps if you get out for some fresh air and daylight every day.

Also, when I was trying to sort out my twins’ naps, I used the advice in a book called the Cheshire Sleep Whisperer. It was very gentle and helped us find a good nap routine, giving me some time every day to get things done without babies in my arms.

Horehound · 15/01/2020 21:33

I do try to get him out most days although living in Scotland in winter isn't exactly the best time for baby adventures!

I don't actually have a routine yet. That's probably the first place to start and then work on the timings?

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mynameiscalypso · 15/01/2020 21:41

DS is 22 weeks and we don't have a routine either really and I'm currently lying on my bed with him asleep on top of me waiting to transfer him (fingers crossed...) to his crib. He has put himself to sleep once in his life, every other time has been on me/DH/in the pram etc. I keep thinking that I should do something about it but there's no pressing need really. A family friend said something to me the other day when I was worrying about it - if it works for you (for now), don't change it for the sake of changing it. I figure you don't meet many 18 year olds who need to be cuddled to sleep so at some point he will grow out of it.

meow1989 · 15/01/2020 21:53

I co napped with my ds until he was about 8 months during the day (we also coslept for a month or so around 8 month following him being poorly and settling better with me). At 8 months he went into his cot in his own room but DH or I still rocked him to sleep until about 2 months ago (he's 18 months now) when he suddenly started getting too long and wriggly for our arms. We started putting him in his cot awake with a star projector on a 15 minute timer and now he will chat to himself and toys for about 15 minutes then settle down to sleep by himself within half an hour of bed. Nap time in the day he settles himself down quicker or kips in the car if we are out. Long story short; we followed his cues with sleep and waited till he was ready to self settle.

We always did bath story bed so getting those cues in early, but if you're happy with going by your baby then do that.

Horehound · 15/01/2020 22:14

Oh I like that saying @mynameiscalypso

He's asleep in his cot now but had to try about five times before he would a tually settle. Now he is making noises I'm sure he will be awake soon.

There have been times when he fitted in his Moses basket that he dropped off as soon as a dummy went in his mouth or if we out a hand on him. Just doesn't seem to be working at all at the moment.

But you're all making me feel better that I can just enjoy my cuddles. I hate that people like my mum are almost making me feel bad that I want to be attentive to my baby.
I know when me and my brother were babies we were left to cry.

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xine15 · 15/01/2020 22:25

We are like that with our 6months old, although it is getting better and now about half the time she goes to sleep in the next to me crib (albeit still either holding my arm or being patted by me and shushed the whole time). Daytime naps are always on me if we are at home, she wakes up instantly if I try to put her down. I'm just enjoying it while it still happens, I'll be sad when she doesn't sleep on me anymore. And I think the self soothing will come naturally when she's ready. We also have a late sleeper, it suits us quite well tho as daddy gets more time with her and she sleeps in in the morning (relatively speaking...) so won't try to change unless she leads us that way.

amazedmummy · 15/01/2020 22:26

@Horehound I know how you feel. My mum is such a lovely person but I had to say to her, I'm doing it my way. If I make a rod for my back so be it. Also the weather just now (I'm in central Scotland) is just awful so it is hard to get out. I'm trying to plan indoor things not too far from home so they shouldn't be rained out too often. However I might not be so happy with my plan when I have to put DS into nursery in August/September.

PPopsicle · 15/01/2020 22:29

That “rod for your back” “it’ll be harder down the line” phrases are absolute bullshit.
I have always cuddled my DS to sleep, and still do at 18 months. He sleeps soundly all night and is so very independent. Please, enjoy these magical baby cuddles because they grow too fast

Horehound · 15/01/2020 22:32

@xine15 what time does she go down for her main sleep of the night?
My boy will go around 11 and then he had been sleeping in until 10 even 11am at times which seems ridiculous but I do like a long lie.
I would like him to go around 7.30 so I get some evening with just my husband and some time to relax before I go to bed myself.

@amazedmummy yes I've said to my mum as well and she just says "ok dokey" but I know it's a sort of patronising "we'll see" kind of thing haha
I'm the same re. Aug/Sep for nursery...dreading it!

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AutumnGlitterBall · 15/01/2020 22:32

Have you tried swaddling him? I’ve done it with both of mine (three year old and four month old). They both liked to thrash around and howl so wrapping them up kept them snug and prevented the flailing arms and draught when I put them down. Now the baby is getting a bit more mobile, I loosen the blanket once he’s down so he can get his arms out if he wants. White noise as well worked. I have a free rain sounds app on my phone which I can set a timer on. We try to put him to bed about seven but that’s really because the toddler needs his at that time. Sometimes it works, sometimes he’s back downstairs with us.

Horehound · 15/01/2020 22:35

Aw thanks @PPopsicle. I know..why do I listen to it? I know I'd look back and wonder why I did it (if I listened to mum) so I'm definitely just going to cuddle him as much as he likes!

I do think I need a little structure to bedtimes not necessarily how he sleeps.
I'm glad I posted because you guys have made me feel more at ease. I am a worrier!

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Horehound · 15/01/2020 22:39

@AutumnGlitterBall we used to swaddle but now he can roll I thought swaddle was dangerous :/
I do use white noise but not so much at bed time more if he is upset and I can't calm him down. I have the little lambs mobile which has some singing and some noise and a light but he really doesn't take to it

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BertieBotts · 15/01/2020 22:53

Baby sleep is so much easier and less stressful if you just expect it to be complete nonsense for at least a year, possibly two. In my experience. And just do things that make it manageable rather than trying to expect it to conform to any particular pattern or force it into something somebody wrote in a book. They do sleep eventually, even if you do nothing at all. It is quite magical when it happens.

If this approach appeals to you I can recommend you two nice books. Read the extracts on the authors' websites, and choose the one whose tone you prefer: The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elisabeth Pantley, and The Gentle Sleep Book by Sarah Ockwell Smith.

If you would prefer to be more proactive, I've found some interesting ideas on this website, but I'd caution that it suffers from what I consider the usual baby sleep gubbins - a set of beliefs which seem to surround every site, book, or other source of sleep info, all of this I find unhelpful/problematic and I would caution you to take it with a pinch of salt.

  • The idea that certain sleep milestones (e.g. night weaning) "should" or even "must" happen by a certain time. (Implying: If they have not, you should be making them happen by any means necessary and/or you're a bad parent if you don't.)
  • The idea that just because a baby/child has done something once (e.g. sleep a certain amount of hours, go the whole night without feeding, go to sleep without X prop) that means they can do it in any circumstance at any time and the fact they are not means they are manipulating you. (In reality... doing something once doesn't mean you're ready to do that same thing regularly or easily. Babies aren't different to that.)
  • The idea that sleep training is something you HAVE to do sooner or later, just like potty training. (Not true. You can actually just wait it out, if you want to.)
  • The idea that sleeping independently is the holy grail and/or that helping your child to sleep in any way is bad and wrong, the cause of all sleep problems ever, or any other pointless judgement/exaggeration. (Obviously it's easier if a baby/toddler doesn't need your input to sleep, but it's not bad for them if you are happy to do this.)

For example - the "baby sleep homework" on the 3-6 month page linked - point 1 is OK. Point 2 is unnecessarily doom laden and scaremongering, and also utter nonsense. All babies grow out of needing to be held, rocked, fed (or whatever) to sleep. Some sooner than others, granted. But if nothing else - at some point they get enough language to reason and negotiate with. So of course it won't go on for ever and ever just because you allowed it at three months old.

I find the info on the site useful, and the idea that 3-6 months is a sort of "window" where changing sleep patterns is easier than it is likely to be if attempted later is a useful one, but all of the unnecessarily judgy language puts me off massively.

BertieBotts · 15/01/2020 22:54

Yes don't swaddle if he can roll.

BertieBotts · 15/01/2020 22:56

Anyway, off to bed before the 16mo wakes up again. He will be welcome in my bed when he does. Or possibly like last night he will sleep until 5am :) I doubt it, but we'll see :o