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Original poster

People who got broody and wanted a late extra child and actually did it, do you regret it?

79 replies

Apocketfulofposies · 15/01/2020 16:27

I have three and the youngest is about to go to school. Having the third nearly broke us - financially, emotionally, physically, matrimonially - and I can't believe we have got this far in one piece and soon all three will be in primary school. I am early 40s and even having the last one towards the end of my thirties was so much harder than the first at the beginning of my thirties, so I am not really being serious, and yet... that niggling feeling persists. Presumably this feeling will persist however many I have when the youngest stopped being a baby. But did anyone actually do it? And was it a terrible mistake? Talk some sense into me please!

OP posts:

oohnicevase · 15/01/2020 20:30

I had my son at 37 with a 7 year gap . I don't regret him but he was born with special needs and it has been a very difficult journey . I don't wish I didn't have him because I love him but I wish things were different . Of course that can happen at any age but the odds se higher the older you get . If you have 3 healthy children I would say quit while you are ahead !

StopMegxit · 15/01/2020 20:36

I fought this feeling so hard! Now 43 and definitely feel the shop has sailed (DC are 16 & 13) but the last five years have been a constant battle against broodiness.

All I can tell you is...I’m glad I didn’t give in! At 50 I’ll be ‘done’ with DC aged 23 and 20. No primary school aged child in tow. And now, as I’m starting to feel perimenopausal, that feels so, SO good!

SleightOfMind · 15/01/2020 20:37

I persuaded DH that we should go for a ‘third’ child when I was 41.

We had twins.

Lovely now they’re nearly 7 but bloody hell it was tough and fell hard on the older ones, our careers etc.
I’m only just starting to feel like I’m able to try and get back to where we were before.

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numberonecook · 15/01/2020 20:38

My third was so much harder than my first. She tests me daily and I sometimes (often) wonder what life would of been like if we would of stuck with 2. I knew our relationship wouldnt stand another after her she really pushes the whole family to the limit. It sounds like your relationship was at that point last time do you really want to risk all that OP?

Silversun83 · 15/01/2020 20:39

Agree with the PP who said it's just your hormones.

It is very common when you're nearing the end of your fertile years for your body to trick your mind into thinking you want more babies. Nature's one last push to keep the human race going.

I'm 37 with a 3.5 and nearly 2-year-old and I'm already counting down until when I get my (relative) freedom back.. no way I want to extend that time!

(Please remind me of that in a few years time when my body clock starts ticking again )

Whynosnowyet · 15/01/2020 20:41

6 year gap between last 2 dc. Born when I was 43. 2.
He is adored by all my dc!!
His oldest sibling was 25 when he was born!!
Most certainly no regrets.

justrestinginmybankaccount · 15/01/2020 20:43

I’m 45 and my youngest is 4!
I don’t regret it one bit!!! I love the very bones of him!!!
And I’ve split up with said father so I am a single working mother of two children.
Absolutely no regrets - to be honest I’m grateful!!

memberofseven · 15/01/2020 20:46

I'm 13 weeks with no 5. I'm 42. So far I feel fine. My mum died late last year. She also had me at 42. I'm an only. She was wonderful and much more helpful with my children than my mil who is 65.

Smellbellina · 15/01/2020 20:47

I had my last at 32, nearly 37 and am impressed/horrified by the number of friends having babies now. However, I have had 4 and started earlier so maybe that’s why? Another now would break me, although I’d never regret it I’m sure, I don’t think it would be in any of our interests.
Having said that DC4 was unplanned and not only do I not regret it I am utterly thrilled by their very existence every day. But I was 10 years younger than you are proposing.
If you suspect you will always have a pang for another baby I’d just accept the pang and make the most of how lucky you already are.

KoalasandRabbit · 15/01/2020 20:49

I had this crazy hormonal desire just before 40 to have another, DH said no and glad he did. The feeling does pass.

Smellbellina · 15/01/2020 20:50

@numberonecook my third is the same! I honestly think 3rd DC are the hardest.
The even numbers are the easiest.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 15/01/2020 20:52

It's not just about your age though is it?

Having the third nearly broke us - financially, emotionally, physically, matrimonially - and I can't believe we have got this far in one piece

Why the hell would you want to risk your entire family's well being and stability for a child that doesn't even exist yet? That seems like madness to me. If you found having the 3rd a breeze then fair enough .. But to me it seems like a good idea to quit while you're ahead.

user133367 · 15/01/2020 20:56

My mum persuaded my dad to have a third after a big gap. That baby has SEN and it was really hard. Then while number 3 was still very small they had a contraceptive failure. He had an affair while she was pregnant and left her and she had severe depression and struggled financially for years. I'm sure there are lots of heartwarming success stories but this is what I keep reminding myself when I'm broody for number 4! I know my relationship isn't strong enough and I think strength of relationship is an important factor to consider, unless you think you'd manage ok on your own. Financially I wouldn't.

EllieQ · 15/01/2020 21:03

I agree with the suggestion of asking the children, not the parents! I was an ‘extra’ baby and my siblings are 6 and 8 years older than me. It was fine in some ways, but I have always longed for a sibling near in age to me as they are very close to each other and I always feel a bit left out (even though they don’t leave me out deliberately). We have always been a different stages due to the age gap - child/ teen, teen/ university student, university student/ getting married and having children.

My parents had to buy a bigger house and money was tight while I was a child, so my siblings suffered from that too. To be honest, my parents struggled to meet our needs (emotionally and sometimes practically), even by the more laid-back standards of the 1980s/ 90s. Could you really cope with an extra child given how difficult the third was?

(I’ve said all this on MN before and been slated for it, so I wonder what the response will be this time).

larry55 · 15/01/2020 21:05

I had two ds in my early twenties and then dd when I was 40. She is now 27 and I am so glad that I had her. I wasn’t nearly as tired as when I had my sons but I knew I couldn’t cope with another after her.

I now look after my two year old dgs and I think that he is keeping me young.

dubiousdecision · 15/01/2020 21:05

I look at friends and family around me who are still in the baby/toddler phase despite us all being in our early 40's and I am so glad we stopped at 2 ! Youngest is 8 now and we are enjoying great holidays several times a year, we go as a family, dh has a break with his friends and I go away with mine because ds's are now easy to manage on our own and we go as a couple as family don't mind helping out now ds's are older. If we had another little one this wouldn't be possible !

Depends what you enjoy but I'm glad I resisted the urge now

eminencegrise · 15/01/2020 21:08

Well, I'll admit. Yes, I regret it. Quit whilst you're ahead.

ActualHornist · 15/01/2020 21:09

I love the idea of another baby (I’m 37 with three) but ultimately, I like my nights to myself, and another one would put unbearable strain on our financials. We’d also have no space, we’re massively squashed in as it is.

I would a) encourage your husband to get a vasectomy or be sterilised yourself. My husband had the vasectomy and it does mean that I can have those misty-eyed moments about babies but be brought back to reality quickly! B) think forward. Think about what your children will be like when they’re in secondary school, what subjects will they like, will they take after you socially? While I miss and absolutely loved the baby and toddler days, I have enjoyed each milestone as my children change and grow - and while I don’t want to the grow up too fast - I can’t wait to see how they’ll change as the years go by.

ActualHornist · 15/01/2020 21:10

So to answer your question, no I haven’t had one last baby and I wouldn’t now either. I’m looking forward to my younger siblings becoming parents so I can be a doting auntie

TheBigFatMermaid · 15/01/2020 21:11

I had one when 27, second when 37, third at 39. I felt sooooo broody after DS, but as I had ended up in ITU after him, I decided my DC needed their Mum more than I needed another baby! It passed! I'm not saying it will for you but it did for me!

FeckaDecka · 15/01/2020 21:14

Being the 3rd, with a massive age gap and menopausal mother when I was a teenager was THE WORST.
I was depressed looking back.
It was shit, utter shit.
I was lonely.
I was the odd kid.
I was bullied for my mum looking like she was my grandma which was shit beyond shit as both my grandma's had died....

FeckaDecka · 15/01/2020 21:15

Oh and mum didn't 'get' anything I went through because of the massive age gap.

HavelockVetinari · 15/01/2020 21:19

If your third almost broke your relationship you'd be utterly insane to have another. It's your hormones taking, tell them to fuck off - in a few years' time you'll be so glad you did!

AlaskaElfForGin · 15/01/2020 21:19

My parents were older parents and they were amazing. I was 45 when they died within a few months of each other.

belleandbete · 15/01/2020 21:25

I had DS3 at 43 after desperately wanting a third for ages. It was very very hard. The older kids reacted badly (they loved the baby but both became very attention seeking and challenging) and we were absolutely exhausted. Coming through it now he is 2. So on the one hand he genuinely is the light of my life- a really delightful, sociable sweet natured toddler but on the other it was harder than I ever could have imagined. In your situation, with your history and 3 kids already I wouldn't do it. But it's so personal.

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