Heartbroken - DH and I have no future

[AreYouReadyToBeHeartbroken]

Apologies for self-indulgent outpouring...

DH and I have been not getting on for the last 18 months or so. Nothing specific - i wondered if he was a bit depressed after his dad dying, or stressed about work - he says the only thing wrong is that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with a woman who hates him.

Not sure where that has come from! Been together 25 years, two children, who will be leaving home within the next 3 years. I certainly don't hate him but he has become rather "old" in a way that I haven't and I wonder if we've just really grown apart?

Just been out for lunch to a naice restaurant with DC1 for his significant birthday and it was like being out with my grandparent (except they were fun!!). DH barely spoke, didn't initiate any conversation and looked disapproving at most things. Tried telling DC about a pub we used to go to (pre-DC) near the restaurant and spend long boozy afternoons in, and DH just grimaced as if it was awful. He barely cracked a smile for 2 hours.

I claimed I need to shop so they've gone home ahead and I'm now sitting in a pub wondering where on earth we go to now. I e been burying my head in the sand about this, hoping things will get better, but I don't think they will.

We're being civil housemates at the moment, still sharing a bed but as it's a super-king size we dont actually have to touch 😀 He has his own interests and I have mine and neither of us is making the effort any more to be interested in

He often "quotes" what I've said except that I didn't say it, he just assumes I think it...I believe that he has it firmly in his head that I have in fact said all those things. I am the more volatile person but I'm also pretty laidback and never insult people just because we're rowing. He almost never loses his temper but when he does he tells me exactly what he thinks of me and it's not nice. But then he "forgets" and all is calm.

I truly don't believe I am more at fault than him. We have grown apart and he has definitely become more intolerant (of lots of things, not just me!) whereas I have become more easy going but also more focussed about how I want the rest of my life to be.

I was a SAHM until 2 years ago (he worked abroad a lot so a regular job would have been impossible for me). He was very keen for me to work so I could pay for my own stuff, but now I think he's not that thrilled that I a) got a job really easily b) love my job and am very good at it c) have money to spend and am very generous with it in a way that he isn't. He disputes all of this but can't explain his churlishness about me buying stuff for the house or kids, or his looks of disapproval at clothes I have bought just because I like them.

I don't know how we'd sort it all out financially if we split. I can't afford our mortgage and really don't want to leave our home.

I suppose what I'm saying is that I'm suddenly just feeling really gut-punched that this is really happening to me, to us, and the sentimental me is utterly heartbroken. While the practical me is a bit relieved. I thought I still loved him, but maybe that's just habit? I certainly dont fancy him anymore - he's utterly destroyed that - and I don't think I even like him very much most of the time.

I don't suppose I'm the first person to think this wouldn't happen to me! But I don't know what to do next...

Going against the grain here but actually I think you sound really snidey and horrible, your comments about his mother thinking he's 'quite the catch', you wanting the house and thinking he can just go and live in the house he's inherited, and all your happy laughing faces. Suddenly he also becomes controlling too. I agree leave him, if only so he can maybe have some happiness as you sound like a pita. No wonder he thinks you hate him!

I think we will stay the course. The black clouds are not constant and we still have a lot in common. I pour a lot of energy into keeping him well. He is lucky that he has married an incredibly emotionally stable person who can keep him on a level much of the time and cope with his moods when they come. Except when he is in the thick of it, he recognises this and is grateful for it. I couldn't walk away. I would worry about him.

What would happen if you got really poorly , would you have to support the both of you through it ?

Stop rewriting the ops story and putting words in her mouth ohwheniknow. I am so tired of posters like you turning every bloody relationship into 'he's controlling and abusive'. Sometimes it is but not all the time. Just pack it in.

I don't really understand the question. I think a lot of families rely on both parents to make their lives work. If I wasn't able to play my part then it would have significant practical implications that would require external help. I still have my Mum. She is old, but fit and has stamina. She doesn't I've around the corner, but we are close. She is also an emotional rock, so to speak. Very caring, practical and unflappable. She is the only other person who knows he has depression.

I am not his carer. He holds down a good job. I think his depression has undoubtedly stopped him reaching the heady heights in his career that he might have reached otherwise, but that doesn't matter. He is incredibly (scarily) clever. One of the brightest people I know. So he is very able and he loves our children unconditionally. The problem is that when he is ill he can not feel that he is loved and he feels that everything is pointless. I don't beat myself up about it though because it is not my fault and it isn't his either. Life is a bit like gardening. If you keep doing the weeding and planting then it will look beautiful. If you neglect the menial tasks then the garden will gradually become encroached by prickly brambles that suffocate all the flowers.

A bit off the wall, but could you consider a weekend away, just the two of you?

Walking or something?

Things will either be ok, and you see that you do actually get along (In a different environment) - or it will crystallise both of your feelings: that it actually is the end?

( I was always reassured to find we got along so well on holidays and trips away, any perceived problems at home weren’t serious in my case)

I think that is a great idea @SynchroSwimmer. I am a great believer in the healing power of walking. It also helps conversation flow. A weekend somewhere a bit warmer and sunnier can do the world of good at this time of year.

Areyouready your story marries how I felt last year . Marriage felt over, and we acted like annoying flat mates with each other . We were ready to split but decided to hang on until the youngest left for uni this summer. In December it was like a switch came back on we suddenly started talking again and now our relationship has never been better.
With retrospect I think he was depressed having suddenly being retrenched from his fairly senior job and having to take a lower job and I was menopausal which manifested itself with anxious and aggressive behaviour. Neither of us could be bothered to make the effort and we just spiralled downwards. In December DH got a new job at his previous level and my hormones have now calmed down and we started making an effort and just being nice with each other. I can’t believe we almost threw away our marriage as we are so happy again.
Obviously for a lot of people this is not the case and some marriages just run their course but I just wanted to share my story so you can see a different ending and see if it could apply to you.

Hi OP,
I think your first step (if you want to save your marriage which you may not want to do) is lots of talking to your partner. He may not realise how unhappy you are or the effect his behaviour is having on you.

Reading your first post I thought you were very unfair on your husband to describe yourself as generous with your money with family and friends and to contrast this with your husband, when for many years previously he has been solely responsible for the family finances and perhaps at times hasn't had enough money to appear generous. It doesn't sound like you pay half the bills now so I would see it more that now you are working (and your husband is still paying the major share of the bills) partly due to your husbands income you can afford to be generous to your family on both of your behalf. I know it is only one of the issues you are stewing about at the moment but if you reframe it that way your husband is not the bad guy on this issue.

How long ago did your DHs father die? You said it was sometime in the last 18months. I do know that the first year after a death is the absolute worst for grieving. If he’s lost his father less than a year ago, that is still very recent. Depression and facing his mortality may be affecting him.
Again, I think you’ve both had a very successful marriage 24 out of 25 years, it would be a shame to end it without trying counselling. Or any way to reconnect and communicate honestly.

I thought that, too, @Winter2020. What's the point in working part-time in a low paid job and being "generous" with your wages, when your husband has had the burden of all the bills for years?

Sorry Genevieva I am sure what you do is the right thing for you and yours.

Thanks for those points about finances, I do take on board how it might look. Ours is quite a complicated set-up which I don't really want to go in to but what I was trying to say was that he told me categorically that my (pretty meagre) earnings were for me. So that he didn't feel responsible for stuff like my clothes, hairdresser, etc any more.

I am not a big spender at all and I do have 'leftover' money and I enjoy being able to take him out for a meal, or treating the kids to a takeaway, etc. And to start with, he quite liked that too. But he's started raising eyebrows now if I buy something (like a £50 item). And I wondered if it's because he either doesn't like me having the financial power to do that or because I didn't ask him first, as I would have done previously (not asking for 'permission' as such, more checking he was ok about it).

I have spent years trying to be thrifty and careful with money, feeling guilty about not contributing. I think a pp's point about the power shift was probably more correct that I had first thought.

@PlanDeRaccordement Agreed about the bereavement. I've tried talking about it but he says he's fine. The death wasn't a shock but it's still a massive thing to happen to you. I really don't know what to do for the best to help him through it as he repels any attempts i make. I have been bereaved several times and do not understand his style of grieving unfortunately

That's OK. I'll be honest - I have been scared. There are times when he has been pretty close to throwing himself in front of a train, but we are not there now and I have good reason to believe that we will not be again, but no one can prepare for ever eventuality.

Like Tweennightmare I was just trying to give a different perspective and find out a bit more about what the OP wants. If she has checked out already there is no point in marriage counselling, but if she wants to save her marriage then she owes it to herself to give it a chance. Sometimes a new perspective can help and I was not sure how much consideration she had given to depression. Incidentally, I wouldn't blame her husband for struggling with acknowledging the very existence of depression, let alone the idea that he could be suffering from it. Lots of people are in denial about their own health problems. In the UK we are particularly good at that. I once ignored a broken bone for months because it was inconvenient. We have a cultural problem in the UK with acknowledging mental health problems, so I am sure many people go undiagnosed.

Thanks for that @TARSCOUT, very useful His mother has told him many times he can do better than me (she thinks I'm not grateful enough to him), and just for context she also thinks Mr Trump is much misunderstood and Mr Johnson is the best PM since Churchill
Mothers see their children in a different light from everyone else!

And I think it's quite natural not to want to leave the house that youve spent so long in, with the time and effort invested in making it a lovely home for you and your family. I only mentioned his inherited house as a short-term solution. It's not my house so I couldn't live there but it is his so he could if he was keen to get away. It's also near enough so that the DC could spend time in both if they wanted to.

Thanks Genevieva you've given me renewed hope actually. Awful though depression is, if he is suffering then there is at least a way though. I'm going to mull it over and talk to someone about it professionally.

I can't help with advice about finances, but I can tell you that I've been in a similar situation.

My ex was reasonably sociable when we met. He'd have been called the "strong , silent type" in a previous generation. Towards age 40 he became more grumpy. Difficult to describe, not depression though, more like a heightening of certain personality traits. Also needed everything to be done his way. I found it demoralising to live with someone who behaved this way. We get on fine now, and I'm glad we split up. We co-parent. I no longer expect any sort of enthusiasm from him (younger children, even then there's no excitement about children's milestones, achievements, hopes and dreams...) Anyway I wanted to say that while it may seem on the outside that you're complaining about minor things when living like this, the relief when it's over is significant. It's like someone is sticking the joy out of life.

I hope you find your way to a better future.

Genevieva you sound such a lovely, balanced person. Your DH certainly struck lucky.

Going back to the beginning OP, you said you felt your DH had got 'old'; I'm feeling just this. We've been together 30 years, married 24, two DCs - 20 & 22.
We're mid-50s (he's 2 years younger than
me).

As we age, and the DCs are getting more independent (both in, and recently out of, uni) DH seems less interested in things (including me) more critical, more stressed, less fun, which in turn, makes me more laid-back, more fun, more spontaneous.

I feel he's getting old before his time and it's therefore having the opposite effect on me and, rightly or not, I can almost feel his disapproval of me.

I'm not looking for advice on my problems, I just totally relate to yours.

@OnTheEdgeOfTheNight You've described my DH perfectly! And that lack of enthusiasm/excitement really is draining. I'm so glad you've found a way to be happy now.

@3catsandcounting are you sure we're not sharing the same man
I didn't really believe in mid-life crises til now...

Thanks Crunched. I never thought I would write about it on here! I just don't like to see a good marriage go down the pan if it doesn't have to. I feel for the OP. It isn't going to be entirely plain sailing sorting out their marriage, as her husband does sound deeply in denial about his emotional contribution.

Trying to to talk to DH about anything emotive is like 'blood-out-of-stone' difficult. He's never been a 'talker', but he looks like a rabbit in the headlights if I try to broach any 'Relationship' issues.
I've rather overdone the cliches there. 😳

@AreYouReadyToBeHeartbroken I'm sorry you're in the same situation. I just wanted to let you know that I understand how it feels to live like that. Some people think only big incidents like affairs warrant feeling as you do, but the daily disappointments and lack of interest do matter.
In my case I was clear about how I felt and what I expected. My ex was very much a "head in the sand" type - his childhood was a long lesson about stuffing emotions down, he wasn't interested in thinking about or discussing them, so in our case there was nothing to be done.

I think it's a shame that we say "he's old before his time" as though it's inevitable that people end up a bit grumpy, a bit lacklustre.

Anyway I wish you the best with whatever path you take.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight - that's it exactly. It's the daily disappointments and the lacklustre approach to life that's so demoralising.
I want to scream (and have) - enjoy life. enjoy your children and who they've become,
Let's go to our lovely country pub and get pissed, let's eat what bad for us, let's stay up late watching a daft film and lie in on a Sunday morning... I feel like I'm getting younger and further apart from him .. maybe it's me?