Heartbroken - DH and I have no future

[AreYouReadyToBeHeartbroken]

Apologies for self-indulgent outpouring...

DH and I have been not getting on for the last 18 months or so. Nothing specific - i wondered if he was a bit depressed after his dad dying, or stressed about work - he says the only thing wrong is that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with a woman who hates him.

Not sure where that has come from! Been together 25 years, two children, who will be leaving home within the next 3 years. I certainly don't hate him but he has become rather "old" in a way that I haven't and I wonder if we've just really grown apart?

Just been out for lunch to a naice restaurant with DC1 for his significant birthday and it was like being out with my grandparent (except they were fun!!). DH barely spoke, didn't initiate any conversation and looked disapproving at most things. Tried telling DC about a pub we used to go to (pre-DC) near the restaurant and spend long boozy afternoons in, and DH just grimaced as if it was awful. He barely cracked a smile for 2 hours.

I claimed I need to shop so they've gone home ahead and I'm now sitting in a pub wondering where on earth we go to now. I e been burying my head in the sand about this, hoping things will get better, but I don't think they will.

We're being civil housemates at the moment, still sharing a bed but as it's a super-king size we dont actually have to touch 😀 He has his own interests and I have mine and neither of us is making the effort any more to be interested in

He often "quotes" what I've said except that I didn't say it, he just assumes I think it...I believe that he has it firmly in his head that I have in fact said all those things. I am the more volatile person but I'm also pretty laidback and never insult people just because we're rowing. He almost never loses his temper but when he does he tells me exactly what he thinks of me and it's not nice. But then he "forgets" and all is calm.

I truly don't believe I am more at fault than him. We have grown apart and he has definitely become more intolerant (of lots of things, not just me!) whereas I have become more easy going but also more focussed about how I want the rest of my life to be.

I was a SAHM until 2 years ago (he worked abroad a lot so a regular job would have been impossible for me). He was very keen for me to work so I could pay for my own stuff, but now I think he's not that thrilled that I a) got a job really easily b) love my job and am very good at it c) have money to spend and am very generous with it in a way that he isn't. He disputes all of this but can't explain his churlishness about me buying stuff for the house or kids, or his looks of disapproval at clothes I have bought just because I like them.

I don't know how we'd sort it all out financially if we split. I can't afford our mortgage and really don't want to leave our home.

I suppose what I'm saying is that I'm suddenly just feeling really gut-punched that this is really happening to me, to us, and the sentimental me is utterly heartbroken. While the practical me is a bit relieved. I thought I still loved him, but maybe that's just habit? I certainly dont fancy him anymore - he's utterly destroyed that - and I don't think I even like him very much most of the time.

I don't suppose I'm the first person to think this wouldn't happen to me! But I don't know what to do next...

I am sorry to hear your situation. Long marriages can be really difficult to keep going and it is easy to drift apart.
My suggestion would be to have a calm and honest discussion with your husband. Explain how you feel and that unless he is willing to go to couples counselling you can't see any way forward other than divorce.
If this doesn't work I understand the finances will be difficult and you wouldn't be able to stay in the home you love, but look at it as a new chapter and make your next home just the way you like it - but on a smaller scale.
Can I just say I like the way you write, you sound like a really nice person and I wish you happiness for the future.

They're starting to give me funny looks in the pub I need to go home. Will check in here later, but thank you all. Feels good to have got it off my chest

It sounds horrible for both of you. I can't help thinking that counselling would help you both understand your dissatisfaction with each other. After such a long marriage it has to be worth at least discussing it with a neutral third party. It may not make a difference to the outcome, but at least you'll both have a better understanding of what's gone wrong.

Talk to him?

So that other house would go into the pot as well.

He wouldn't be buying you a house! The total assets would be split and you would get 50%

You would probably have a claim on his pension as well.

50% would not be your share when you gave up a career to be the main care giver. This would be reflected in any divorce settlement.
That isn't true. She may be able to claim on his pension. You can't have it both ways. She is also now working and has an income. The children are of leaving home age.

@PurpleBee39 Thank you so much, that's really kind

He sounds like he makes everything really miserable. I’ve known people like that. I think you would both be happier apart.

I agree with Jaxhog.
You both sound unhappy. Like you’ve drifted apart. You said he thinks you hate him. You feel he disapproves if you and your financial choices.
Could you try counselling? Try and get to the bottom of what is going on? It would get everything out if the closet and even if you still split up, you’d be more likely to have no regrets.

You need make or break talks and to (if there marriage is to be saved) to reconnect. You say yourself he worked away and you were at home. The kids are now on the cusp of adulthood and now there's the realisation of what the rest of your life is going to look like if DH doesn't change...ie he's not going to be someone you want to be with. Have a look on amazon - there are loads of books about marriages and reconnecting etc. And how've that talk - it's time for action or it's definitely over!

I would say that I hope it gets better. But I knew it was over when I realised he never laughed, or smiled. Or not with me anyway. Exactly as you said, the scales are falling from you eyes. Unfortunately for me it just got worse until I couldn't bear to even be near him.

It was scary. I was with him 16 years. I made a list working out all the reasons to stay together. When I realised that because of him was around 10th, behind all the nice things like house, car, being not alone etc, I was like you. Scared of the unknown.

I'm three years on, and happy now, I downsized my house and I love my freedom. Although my DD is only 6 so I am not truly alone if that makes sense.

Sorry for typos!! Hat them!

You started working outside the home two years ago and since then he's been increasingly controlling and manipulative? (E.g. Blowing up at you with extreme nastiness and then pretending not to remember it ever happened... Telling you your invented thoughts and then attacking you for them...)

Did he genuinely want you to start working, or did he just like making you feel guilty/holding it over you that you were not "paying for your own stuff"?

You've grown in confidence and independence such that he no longer feels all powerful. So he's finding other ways to get his power high.

A decent partner would be thrilled you found a job with ease, were doing well in it and thriving, and were enjoying having some financial independence.

You love living in that house. You're a happy person (when he's not around.) You'll be happy in another house.

I wouldn't negotiate money and finances with him if you do plan to leave - I'd just pass all the details on to a solicitor to deal with.

He sounds a right bloody misery. I don't blame you for wanting to separate.

One thing you could do is to remain in your family home with the kids while he moves to the other house, just until both children have left home.

Given his work prevented you from working for so long, you will be entitled to some of his pension.

Given his work prevented you from working for so long, you will be entitled to some of his pension.

they made a joint choice for her not to work. They could have had a live in nanny as an example- not quite the same thing as preventing. But is sounds like it was a joint choice.

This is basically what happened with XH and I. We were housemates and that was it. Neither of us left because we had no reason too. I slept in the spare room, worked PT and socialised whilst the DC were at school.

XH worked in a higher paid job, socialised in the evening and weekends.

We plodded on for years, neither of us happy but having no reason to split...and then he met the OW.

They now live together in rented and after negotiations via solicitor's and getting it finalised via court - l stayed in the family home with the DC.

He is happy and I'm actually glad he's happy as l have only ever wanted him to be. He has found his soulmate.

As for me... l am happy. I feel more relaxed now he isn't here and l get EOW to myself which l never did before.

I do get a bit lonely....but never as much as when l was married....

You've summed it up @FourDecades . Of course I want us both to be happy. And apoarently he's quite the catch (according to MIL ) so maybe he'll meet someone else.

Some of this is very familiar, some isn't because obviously each relationship is different.

My first memory of meeting my husband is his smile. It would light up the room. He has a fabulous sense of humour and can be great fun to be with. I didn't know it then, and nor did he, but he suffers from crushing bouts of depression and we see much less of that smile these days.

He gets what we call black clouds. They sit over him for days, sometimes weeks at a time and the worst part about them is that they exude a kind of aura that can make me feel shit too if I am not careful. When he has black clouds he is verbally uncommunicative, but his body language says it all and, when pushed he admits that he blames me for whatever is wrong. The thing I hate most is when he suggests that he does what you describe - putting words into my mouth that I never said and do not represent what I think. Most of what he feels is wrong actually boils down to self-imposed burdens that are not really his responsibility. And the truth is that these are all made up excuses - his rational brain is desperately trying to find a cause and pin his feelings to something real, rather than just accepting that he is feeling low for now reason at all. He has a habit of destroying my birthday and Mothering Sunday by being a grumpy sod - not every year, but he is more prone to depression in the winter. It is hard work and upsetting, but I love him and I know it isn't his fault, so we battle through.

When he isn't in the depths of depression we can talk about it a bit. For years we thought it was seasonal affective disorder. We bought the lights and thought the might be helping a bit, but it isn't SAD - it is full on clinical depression. He refuses to use medicine or talking therapy for this, so we manage it in other ways. Exercise helps a lot. He likes being outdoors and doing DIY. He isn't particularly social and rarely organises anything with friends, but social isolation is also bad for him, so I organise things. Long weekend walks with friends followed by a pint in a pub work well. Home cooked food usually cheers him up, as do little things that break up the monotony of the weekly routine can help. I have come to realise that I get the brunt of it all because he can't show how he really feels to anyone else.

I think we will stay the course. The black clouds are not constant and we still have a lot in common. I pour a lot of energy into keeping him well. He is lucky that he has married an incredibly emotionally stable person who can keep him on a level much of the time and cope with his moods when they come. Except when he is in the thick of it, he recognises this and is grateful for it. I couldn't walk away. I would worry about him.

Do you want a divorce? Would you feel liberated by it? Or do you want your husband back? Divorce has its place, but iyour marriage might benefit from counselling. Getting your husband to realise what an unhappy rut he is in might help you get him back.

@ohwheniknow If that we're a totally accurate account of someone, would you call them "abusive"? Because I do sometimes feel like he's being a bit controlling, but just not with anything tangible so it's easy to think it's all in my head. How could we unpick that? (Assuming he's was open to mediation or counselling). It's horrible - I'm a strong, independent and outgoing woman, I can do maths and holiday alone and sort out insurance and workmen. Why do I allow a man to make me feel so miserable??!
The eternal question

He sounds awful op. I bet you’d be much happier on your own.

Life is too short!

I would never have left him and when l found out about the OW, l did ask if we could try and work our marriage out.

But he refused and I'm glad he did as it was the right thing for us both.

I don't agree with the lies, deceit and gas lighting he did when he was conducting the affair.... and l especially don't agree with how he treated our DC when he left (put her first) .... but l also remember when we were together and he'd yet again been horrible to me and thinking... if you had an affair l really wouldn't care.

And l was right - l didn't.

Once l knew that financially l would be ok without him l was very happy to see the back of him.

Only you can know what to do. My marriage vows were for life and l stuck by them..... but equally I'm glad he didn't.

@Genevieva thank you for being so open with us strangers Yes my DH does behave just like that. There have been tiny episodes of it throughout our relationship but I felt it was give and take and I am not always the easiest person to live with (quick-tempered). It has just got worse the last 2 or so years, started a bit before I got my job. He doesn't really "believe" in depression, and taking meds would affect his job probably so he would be reluctant. I did suggest perhaps he was suffering as a delayed reaction to his dad's death but he shrugged that off as ridiculous.
What kind of specialist would he have to see to tell him whether he is or isn't clinically depressed? Our GP is overstretched, a bit gung-ho and not very proactive, although lovely if you tell him what's wrong with you

I think you could start by talking to your GP yourself. Ultimately he would need to go, but they can explain the system. His mood is also affecting you and I think it would help you to talk about it in real life.

I am not sure on the rules about medication. When I looked into it some years ago I was under the impression that you didn't have to declare anything unless it specifically affected your job - for example a long distance lorry driver taking medication that makes them drowsy. However, I really don't know much about it.

There is still so much stigma around mental health. People still truly believe it is self-indulgent and imaginary, but it really isn't. I don't know your situation at all really, but the reason I wrote what I did is that the changes in your husband sound like they could be depression.

I have suffered myself - from PND and then a further episode of 'lowness' for which I have taken ADs. For the last 3 months I have been actively fighting against looming symptoms by keeping fit, seeing friends, etc. But it is wearing me down and I can't see how he can't be affected mentally as well. He sees therapists as a waste of money for self-indulgent people. It's one of his many less attractive opinions that is starting to make me despise him - his good qualities are no longer outweighing the bad

When I read this I thought 'abusive' too. Identify with having things attributed to me as being said, that clearly haven't. I'm sure even now XH tells people I told him 'I am incredibly intelligent, much more so than you'. I really didn't. Unfortunately he comes accross as a nice guy, so he might have convinced some people I was an arrogant harpy. Counselling is not recommended when there is abuse. The problem is your vulnerabilities can be identified by the abusive party and used against you. My XH did a bit of this. Also, it was so he could say he was attending counselling, therefore doing something, when in fact he just sabotaged the counselling. The counselling through Relate was rubbish, expensive, and pointless. In my case, we should just have cut to the divorce. Depends how convinced he is by what he thinks you have said. But please bear this in mind, and I hope you have a better result.