How can I get dd to understand that sexual and mental Health issues aren't 'trends'

[RaspberryIsMyNameToo]

Dd is 12. It appears very 'cool' to be bisexual or gay amongst her friends. I've told her obviously its absolutely not an issue of she is. There's also a lot of talk though about anxiety and being depressed and self. harm. One of her friends said they were confused about their gender.
There is a pic going round called 'the heart project' which says to draw a pic of the colour heart that related to you.
My dd had drawn there ones for anxiety, depression, self harm, suicidal and OCD.
Now of course I've talked to her and rather than telling me, she said she's fine and it's just messing about and she seemed embarrassed that I'd seen the hearts and know what they stand for.

How can I make her realise that these aren't cool trendy things, I'm scared that they ask tall about and dwell on these things that they will actually manifest (depression etc, but sexuality obviously)

It was ever thus. When I was a teen in the late 90s/early noughties there was a lot of girls coming out as bisexual and threatening to self harm because of exam stress etc. Out of the legions of girls talking this shite absolutely none of them are now in a same sex relationship or mentally ill. Only lesbian I went to school with was never vocal about it until she went to uni and came out after and I’ve only ever known one genuinely serious self harmed from school who had proper, diagnosed mental illness in later life. Again, she wasn’t one of the girls posting angsts lyrics about self harm on her MSN chat bio (the 2001 equivalent of social media).

Just keep an open dialogue. I suspect she will grow out of it and realises even now it’s just fads.

Thanks, that makes me feel better, parenting a pre teen is a whole different league to younger kids!

She might say she’s fine... but is she?
Did she seem embarrassed or anxious that you’d noticed?

I have suffered with anxiety since early teens, and my mum was was dismissive that anything was wrong with me. It wasn’t until I was about 19 I got any help and went to the doctors to get help. I still suffer, but can cope 90% of the time after having CBT. She realises now that actually I did have mental health problems and she’s a fab support, but it took years for her to understand.

I’m not saying you’re wrong or that you’re DD definitely does have these issues. But one chat and a “I’m fine” doesn’t mean it’s just talk because of trend.

It’s easy to say you’re fine when you’re not, especially if you’ve made any remark to it being a trend issue or made any remake to it being attention seeking in any way, because if you’ve done that she isn’t going to want to talk to you about it.

I do hope your DD is ok, try having a serious conversation with her, if she’s adamant nothing is wrong then you need to be stern about her throwing around sexuality and mean taking health phrases if she doesn’t suffer with them. It’s part of the reason the rest of of aren’t taken seriously.

I'm scared that they ask tall about and dwell on these things that they will actually manifest (depression etc, but sexuality obviously)

I'm not quite sure I'm reading this correctly (this isn't me being a pedant about typos, just that it is relevant to say I might have misunderstood). But do you mean you're scared she will dwell on issues relating to depression/sexuality until those issues manifest?

If so, I think I feel a bit uncomfortable with that idea. Someone doesn't become bisexual or a lesbian because they spent a lot of time thinking about it aged 12. However, a 12 year old who is bisexual or a lesbian might find it quite helpful if it's socially acceptable for lots of their peers to think lots about sexuality.

I wasn't born yesterday and get that teenager girls do often go through the 'trendy sexuality' phase. I don't think it is harmful, though, and surely it is so, so much healthier than what happened when we were young, which was that you weren't really allowed to talk about it?

I can't help noticing the first response from @AllTheWhoresOfMalta mentions that the only lesbian she knew at school was 'quiet' about it and didn't come out until university. Isn't that actually rather sad? While most of her classmates were enjoying flirting and maybe first dates and so on, she presumably missed out on all of those teenage experiences.

That's actually really common for young women who aren't straight. And you'll never get it back. If you feel unable to talk about your sexuality until you're 18 or 20, you are never going to get to do the discussion of teenage crushes or the excited flirting or anything all of your peers are doing. I don't think we think about that enough.

And if your DD isn't bisexual or a lesbian, where's the harm? I don't believe, in this day and age, that any decent man is going to jilt her at the altar when he finds out she kissed a girl and didn't like it.

Sorry that was a typo! I meant to say mental health issues NOT sexuality.
Because depression, anxiety, self harm could manifest but obviously sexuality isnt going to change depending on what you talk about

And I will talk to her again, but I really do think she just wants to 'join' in with something rather than her being actually depressed

It's not really the sexuality, more the self harm etc. That worries me

It was like this 10 years ago when I was at school... exact same thing. I think kids will always glamorise it because they want to feel different and special and be given sympathy by peers.

My mum knocked me out of it by telling me that I was an embarrassment but I'm not sure I'd recommend that.

Keep an open dialogue, make sure she knows you're there if she ever does feel these things but say it's unhealthy and takes the mick out of actual sufferers which is unconscionable.

Why can't they be phases? I know lots of girls and boys who have tried kissing people of the same sex, and I think all of the people I know who are gay have tried kissing or dating people of the opposite sex, even if they had never seriously doubted that they were gay. It's normal to try it out, I think. I actually think it might be more pressure on kids to make them feel like they have to choose a gender to sleep with now than to just help them learn how to experiment safely and sensibly. But then I am a dreadful old hippy underneath it all.

Sorry, I missed your update. I don't think that mental health issues are catching, as it were. I agree with PP saying that a deeper talk might be needed. If she is joining in rather than really anxious or depressed then a deeper talk that shows her you are worried and not to be put off by glib assurances will help her understand that these are not things to be said lightly. But more importantly she will also understand that you are there for her and to support her and that she can come to you if she needs you.

When I was growing up in the early nineties almost all of my indie kid friends were gay or bisexual. Out of a group of about 20 kids after 20 odd years we have one real lesbian and one gay man. I agree that our experimentation resulted in a safe and accepting environment for the real gay kids. Also everyone hated themselves and wanted to die like Kurt Cobain. No real mental health issues among any of them.

It’s great that she’s talking about sexuality and mental health.
Use it as a positive. ‘Some people feel this way because....’.
It might well be the trend to talk about but it’s a good thing!

The anxiety thing is driving me mad. Seems every young girl now has it because they get anxious about the things you're meant too (exams etc). Anxiety attacks have very physical effects.

I went through this exact thing with my DD who is now 17.5 but was 14 at the time.

She was bisexual but isn’t now but when she told me she was then I just said that this was okay and I knew inside that it was just a phase, well I was right.

She was also shown a video in school about self harming and that same night she cut her arm ‘to see what it was like’ and then she told me she was depressed but I don’t think she was, nothing in her behaviour suggested she was and she’s a vocal girl and the type to just come out with things she feels, anyway to be on the safe side I took her to the GP who referred her to CAMHS (I can’t remember what it fully stands for but the MH is mental health) and she had to wait a little while for an appointment, she attended one appointment but didn’t feel the need to go back.

She once told me she thought she was bipolar because her moods kept changing and I told her that was her hormones and being a teenager.

My daughter can be a little bit of a drama queen and whilst sexuality and mental health are obviously not trends, but with my daughter she was doing it because it was trendy at school at the times, she also told me she suffered with anxiety and I asked her why she felt this way and then she admitted that she didn’t know what anxiety was but it’s constantly thrown about these days so she decided to say she was.

Well thankfully at 17 she is absolutely okay now and any talk of depression and anxiety hasn’t been mentioned.

I don’t know really what advice to give apart from to say that I’ve been through it with my DD and came out the other end.

Pat
This.

It's perfectly normal. It is a phase, but that doesn't make it any less valid - it's preparation for adult life. We were the same in my group of friends in the mid to late 90s, everyone was bi, lots of snogging everyone, lots of depression (and love for Kurt Cobain) and some self harm. Some grew up to be bi or gay, some still have mental health issues, some are straight and mentally very stable. I'm glad I was part of a group of friends who were very open minded and supportive, it stood me in good stead in later life.

Nobody came out as bi when I was at school in the 1990s, it wasn’t an ‘in’ thing when I was a teen.

Lots of bisexual people when i was at school, some people now identify as straight some dont. Some of the people that identified as straight now identify as gay. People would always use me as a "was bi, grew out of it" simply because i was in a hetro relationship for a few years even though i was still bi

Equally things like self harm were common. Parents often really unaware. Some people had diagnosable mental illness, some were just trying to find ways to manage the range of emotions that come with being a teen
Adolesence is the time where we try out things, experiment with identity as a bit of a sand box for later life.

Its easy to sometimes minimalise what being a teen is/Was like. As adults we often think of things like exam stress and hormones as things that will pass (which they do!) However when your 13 and feel like your inches away from ruining your life, then actually exams can be really stressful.

I remember a friendship fall out that left me genuinely wanting to die because it felt like my whole life, adults sort of shrugged it off and said "its one of those things, wait till you have real things to worry about". However it felt very real to me, and as a teen i didnt have the right coping strategies yet or that sense of perspective or really any resilience. Longstory short i was admitted to hospital for attempting to end my life. It in hindsight was a storm in a teacup that felt like a hurricane.

If you want her to realise those aren't 'trends' then talk to her about the serious nature of Mh problems, it is an illness etc (one you wouldn't want to have)- and how to help yourself not get one, self care etc.

One of my sisters was introduced to a music artist she likes who was openly Bi, not long after 13/14 yo DS says she Bi too but nothings been mentioned of it since

I could of written your post. I actually can’t believe how many of my daughters year are bisexual(only the girls) they nearly all have depression self harm.i worry they definitely think it’s cool and have no idea what choices they are making. It’s almost as if they want to label themselves with depression or anxiety. I’m all for the work going into raising awareness but these children need to know that sometimes in life we are sad happy scared worried and it’s doesn’t mean they need therapy or medication it’s just normal human emotions. I also worry it trivialises the cases that are actually serious. I find it strange about the bisexual part that not one boy has come out has gay/bisexual only the girls?! I could go on all day but another thing I notice is they just can’t take a joke.they are so serious and are so easily offended. I think understanding abit of banter is a good quality and my dd and her friends just can’t. Oh and at 13 they know EVERYTHING about politics!

Same at my dd’s school. I’m not sure if it’s the kids that start talking about it first or if it’s all the teaching and campaigns that start them talking about it. I think pretty much everyone in dd’s class is transgender at the moment 🙄.

Not sure how it helps
children who may genuinely have issues for everyone to be jumping onto the bandwagon about them. Self harming - or threatening it - is high too.

A lot of it is searching for an identity and tribe. At that age there is a lot of social currency attached to being different and rebelling against 'the norms'. Add in hormones and it makes a heady mix.

Be supportive and approachable but neutral. If she feels she can talk to you, but without judgement (or endorsement) then that keeps the lines of communication open.

I have a friend whose DD is a similar age with a friendship group who were quite keen on the emo scene. Lots of talk of anxiety and self-harm started up where there had previously been no issues. She liked dancing so her Mum found some classes for her, part of which involved buddying younger children in the class. My friend didn't try and stop her DD from seeing her school friends, but suspected that it was a phase and wanted to see if her DD would withdraw from the group if she found a different interest - which she has.

An open dialogue is probably the best thing you can do here. The two issues are separate. We love you and always will whether you are gay, straight, bi, whatever. They are just labels, people fall in love with a person.
You could tell her, mental health could be considered like a continuum (like physical health) with positive MH at one end and mental illness at the other. Everyone has times when they feel stressed, overwhelmingly worried or really low and teenage hormones will add to that. These feelings usually pass in a few days and having healthy coping strategies is the most important thing, talk to someone, be active, spend time with people who make you feel positive and happy in their computer, listen to music, get plenty of sleep, eat well and do lots of activities that you really enjoy. All of these build resilience and help to cope with life's adversities in a positive way and give the best chance of positive well being and mental health.

Company, not computer!!! (Autocorrect!)

It is really difficult. I’m a GP and I’m now seeing huge numbers of teenagers (mostly girls) with “depression and anxiety”. I’d say 75% of the time there is actually nothing wrong with them, bar being a teenager, but many do ‘want’ to have the label to make them ‘special’ and often as an excuse for extra attention from friends etc. There is a huge over medicalisation of normal emotions, with adults as well, and IMO depression and anxiety is often over labelled.

That’s not taking away from those who genuinely do have it, quite the opposite. As PP said, we need to reinforce that it’s more than just feeling a bit low on self esteem (sadly normal for a teenage girl) and down or sad.