How can I get dd to understand that sexual and mental Health issues aren't 'trends'

[RaspberryIsMyNameToo]

Dd is 12. It appears very 'cool' to be bisexual or gay amongst her friends. I've told her obviously its absolutely not an issue of she is. There's also a lot of talk though about anxiety and being depressed and self. harm. One of her friends said they were confused about their gender.
There is a pic going round called 'the heart project' which says to draw a pic of the colour heart that related to you.
My dd had drawn there ones for anxiety, depression, self harm, suicidal and OCD.
Now of course I've talked to her and rather than telling me, she said she's fine and it's just messing about and she seemed embarrassed that I'd seen the hearts and know what they stand for.

How can I make her realise that these aren't cool trendy things, I'm scared that they ask tall about and dwell on these things that they will actually manifest (depression etc, but sexuality obviously)

When I was at school in the mid 90s there was a similar thing about eating disorders. A couple of genuine ones and some fake ones from girls who thought it was cool to pretend to have one as well. One of my friends would pretend to make herself sick after lunch every day.

@Mammamia did you go to school in Edinburgh?! I too had a friend that faked anorexia/bulimia because she was an attention seeker and not one of us fell for her crap!

@inappropriatefemale no, in north London! So this was clearly a thing up and down the UK!

Yes with teenage girls!

It is really difficult. I’m a GP and I’m now seeing huge numbers of teenagers (mostly girls) with “depression and anxiety”. I’d say 75% of the time there is actually nothing wrong with them, bar being a teenager, but many do ‘want’ to have the label to make them ‘special’ and often as an excuse for extra attention from friends etc. There is a huge over medicalisation of normal emotions, with adults as well, and IMO depression and anxiety is often over labelled.

Completely agree with this. I've had MH swings all of my life - starting from 15. As I've become older I've got better at telling the difference between a low mood - which can include feeling desperately depressed, stressed, crying etc - and an actual MH dip.

Routine, activities, a good balanced diet and fresh air and exercise really help. There is a school of thought that says that people with depression don't look up enough, and that walking outside and looking at your surroundings and the sky can help - it's certainly been helpful for me.

However none of these things are instant and all of them involve effort from the person - and it's surprising how many people I know with MH issues who would rather take a tablet than try and make lifestyle changes. That's not to say that lifestyle changes are a cure-all - but for mild/moderate anxiety and depression they are definitely worth trying. The two things that have made the biggest difference to me (with multiple suicide attempts and ideation under my belt) have been walking and diet (in the sense of eating a balanced diet with lots of fibre and vegetables, rather than trying to loose weight).

Nobody doubts it’s inportant to be open about MH and to be accepting of all sexualities but we have let some alarming rubbish into our schools that creates more anxiety than it helps.

DD in her second week at secondary school - which is of course a scary time for kids - was asked if she wanted to join the Pride society. She had shown no hint of an interest in sexuality of any sort at that point. Shortly afterwards she told her friend had ‘come out’ as asexual. Friend was 11 or 12. It made me so cross - these kids are being given all these labels and the poor girl must have been so bewildered by adults who should know better putting these (sometimes ludicrous) labels out there and kids feeling they have to choose from one of them.

Ditto mental health to a degree. Sometimes life is just a bit hard and a bit crap and you feel a bit vulnerable/upset/anxious. And then there are mental health conditions. Two separate things.

These labels do my fucking head in and a lot of it is utter crap.

There was a woman on First Dates Australia a few weeks ago who was a pansexual in that she is interested in a persons intelligence regardless of sex, I just thought ‘get over yourself, as if not being a pansexual makes you like thickos’, she was a bitch of a date as well.

This crap doesn’t help when young singers, actors etc come out with the same crap and then teens copy them.

I wonder whats wrong with identifying as asexual for a bit? I think all things are pretty fluid for a teenager, its no different to when you decide you will definately be a goth for the rest of your life, and then either drop it or carry on as growing up.

I dont see the harm in trying different labels in regard to sexuality and see what fits long term.

It was like this when I was in school circa 2006 - 2011. At that time a lot of celebs in magazines self harmed (such as amy winehouse) and so it was glamorous and cool. Lots of my friendship group used to cut (superficialevels) and it was all attention seeking. I cringe when I look back

Because they are not ‘asexual’ They are 11. They don’t need any labels at this point particularly not ones which relate to adults sexuality. . And the vocabulary about ‘coming out’ - like it’s an important statement and everyone will need to listen and accept this new identity which is immutable. This very young girl will need to break out of this label she’s been given in a couple of years when they find a boyfriend or girlfriend. It makes me sad to think of her puzzling over her lack of sexual interest at 11 and thinking it must mean she is asexual rather that realising it’s because she’s 11.

I find this interesting, self harm just was not a thing at my school.

There was someone constantly on restricted diets who went on to have bulimia. I remember someone disclosing bulimia to me as well but they left so not sure how they are.

I didbread a book called Go Ask Alice which was in hindsight very depressing as it covered Prozac and other things in a teenage girls life.

I think I would maybe want to be having a conversation about what she is exposing herself to online and time spent on social media.

I know it sounds draconian and dull but what we read/see/hear can shape how we feel about ourselves/the world.

There is a huge element of contagion to some of this and teenage girls are the perfect vector for it. Self harm was unheard of when I was child. Eating disorders were prevalent. Now other disorders are in the ascendant. Teenagers are very impressionable and vulnerable to this stuff. Obviously some girls will have deep rooted disorders but others are picking up on the vocabulary as a way to name their normal teenage distress.

What would she need to break out of? If you identify no one forces you to remain that way. Surely if everyone around her treats her with respect and takes her lead then the label will just evolve with her?

11 year olds do fuss over sexual interest. That's the age of year 7 here the agebetween childhood and preteen, which was very much in the midst of people beginning to try out boyfriends and girlfriends. I promise you in her class there will be lots of hetro girls puzzling over sexuality too!

I guess i mean that if she was fretting over getting a boyfriend that would be perfectly with society norms.

In these cases people often only ever say its too young when its a gay relationships. We dont say its too much when schools discuss straight relationships, or that they shouldnt have to make their mind up yet when they are discussing hetro teen crushs

We wouldnt say someone who dabbled with the opposite sex later couldnt identify as homosexual, neither should experimenting with the same sex or in this case noone later exclude you from hetro relationships

I was diagnosed with depression at 19 in the 1990s. had to repeat a year at university and got extra funding for that due to it. I didn't find it 'cool' in any way in fact hid it from others. there was a high suicide rate at the university then so not a new thing, maybe why the university medical centre took it quite seriously.

‘Glamour’ around self harm was very much a thing in the 90s among the indie and grunge kids. Being ‘damaged’ was considered edgy and cool. I remember dabbling with self harm myself as a stupid 16 year old before realising I was being a dick. Kids don’t always grasp the seriousness of these issues and just want to be a bit different, which is very hard for those teens who do have real mental health issues and confusion around their sexuality.

At my children's senior school, they seem to have friendship groups of like(ish) friends for example: "The Populars" (the most glamorous, next and next and quite a bit of shuffling like hens from one to the other); "The Nerds"; 2 or 3 groups of "People with Problems" ... from what I can gather seems to mean those who are less academic or with partic conditions ... "The Lesbians" ... "The Happy Clappies" (think these are religious) ... "The Goths" ... The Sporty Boys ... The Sporty Girls ... no doubt others but those are the ones that I remember.

Its normal of teenagers to go through phrases of exploring sexuality, as its how they find out who they are.

Anxiety depression is a much harder one and really shouldn't be glamourised. Maybe speak to your daughter and let her know if she is identifying as depressed etc, she will be going to see the doctor about it? Actually treat it seriously, allowing her to see its nit a funny or fad issue.
I personally find its irritating due to suffering complex mental health since being a child, and truly not wishing it on anyone, and as such really struggle with the idea of it being a trend.

We wouldnt say someone who dabbled with the opposite sex later couldnt identify as homosexual, neither should experimenting with the same sex or in this case noone later exclude you from hetro relationships

We wouldn’t say this but the stuff in schools is not open like this. There some of the labelling is intended to be a box (the gingerbread person gender identity bollocks springs to mind) That’s where the trans intransigence comes from. Fleeting thoughts about identity become concrete facts and in that case a pathway to irreversible interventions. That’s why it’s so important to keep kids away from labels from people created by people with an agenda.

@bobbypinseverywhere regarding over medicalisation, actually had a very interesting conversation with a medical practitioner a while back, about how in their opinion, young people today where unable to deal with normal and daily stressors and depression and anxiety where becoming over used and a excuse for everything, rather then people understanding that shit happens and they just need to get on with it. So although I have complex mental health myself I fully agree, as its frustrating for myself seeing people experience minor inconvenience and be utterly crippled by mental health they cant utterly go on, yet I have to trudge through every day but still work, attend pg education, even when it's completely overwhelming and frustrating as I have no reason to suffer sever mh problems, I just always have, and it runs in my family, although we are all professionals who get on with it in our day to day lives.