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Original poster

Saturday morning and I’m having a cry in the bath

30 replies

MotherFaffer · 11/01/2020 09:04

Having a bit of a pity party....

It’s my dads birthday today, he died a few years ago... I feel all griefy again. So wish he hadn’t gone.

I work ft, DH is a sahd. I’m totally out of sync with him and the kids. I’m exhausted from a tough week back at work. The three of them were ready to go out before I’d even opened my eyes this morning, so I’m pissed off with DH for not waiting til I was awake to discuss it and feel like I miss out on yet another simple day to day thing. I’m pissed off with myself for not having the energy to leap out of bed early. I’m frustrated because I wanted to do some exercise as I’m fatter than I’ve ever been and need to get a grip. Yet the only time to do that really is when the DCs are asleep. Otherwise I miss out on stuff they do or feel selfish for making them wait.

So I’m wallowing and crying in the bath. Might just have to write it off as a bad day as I think I’ll have puffy red eyes and be teary all day anyway. Which makes me feel even worse as it’s lovely and sunny and I should be happy to be with my DH and kids and I feel a bit lost in my own head.

Really wanted to feel good for 2020 Sad

Anyway, if anyone else needs to have a pity party this morning, feel free to join me.

OP posts:
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 11/01/2020 09:07

Do you think he took the kids to give you a lie in and slow morning to wake up?

That's happened to me before, I also felt a bit left out that they made plans without me.

I'm sorry you're feeling sad about your dad.
Have a good cry, it helps.
Then make a plan for the day, something that's a bit indulgent. Sounds like you deserve it.

Original poster
MotherFaffer · 11/01/2020 09:10

No, he was clattering around abd then before I’d even opened my eyes was all like “we’re going to xxx, you coming?”

He’s a good bloke but has the emotional sensitivity of a door.

OP posts:
crankysaurus · 11/01/2020 09:11

All allowed a good cry once in a while. Can you catch them up wherever they've gone, of maybe do something for your late dad's birthday? Maybe make his favourite cake the kids?

Lordfrontpaw · 11/01/2020 09:12

Of course you can have a bit of a cry - but then think about what your dad would say (probably ‘get some clothes on!).

Is everyone out now? Get something cold on your eyes (cucumber, cold flannel etc) and after a nice soak with nice smell yes get dressed and do your hair. Think about your dad and what he was like - did he have sayings or jokes? Have you siblings or mum to talk to?

This is a horrible time of year - everyone is exhausted and down after Christmas anyway so you aren’t alone!

Can you go for a nice walk with the family or an outing to a museum or gallery (or something you’d like). Have lunch out and get the family to make a nice dinner for you all.

Explain to the kids (if you havent already, or do it again) That you are blue today because it’s a special day with regards to your dad. You are sad because you miss him terribly, that he would have loved to play with the kids/read them stories etc and tell them a little about what he was like when you were little.

Your other half needs to understand how bloody tiring it is working full time - it gets harder as you get older and it’s exhausting.

GetUpAgain · 11/01/2020 09:13

Flowers I'm so sorry about your dad.

Don't try and fix everything bothering you all at once. Give yourself a chance. How about doing just one thing that would make today better. Baby steps. X

theduchessstill · 11/01/2020 09:16

I used to be a working parent with a SAH husband and if he'd ever done that I would have been devastated (not an exaggeration). Can you ring him and arrange to meet up a bit later when you've had a chance to get sorted?

If not maybe make the best of the situation and do something for you (exercise if you feel up to it, or just something relaxing, whatever you feel like) and maybe plan something for you all later, like cinema or a meal out.

Then you need to talk to him so you can ensure this doesn't happen again. Are you both happy in the roles you've got? If not, maybe it needs to change.

ConstanceL · 11/01/2020 09:22

Dads really are irreplaceable if you have a good one. I can see why his birthday has triggered the intense grief again especially as you are not feeling looked after and nurtured by anyone at the moment. Has your DH realised it's your dad's birthdays today? Hope today gets better for you, sounds like you really need some more rest today x

Original poster
MotherFaffer · 11/01/2020 09:28

Thank you all. Your kindness has set me off again. It’s been ages since I’ve had a wobble so I guess I’m due one. Don’t feel very capable of facing the world today.

Christmas is a tough time for me, though we’d had a nice break. I think I’d forgotten how full on my job is and how little time and headspace I have for anything else. Need to work in that this year.

We’ll get cake for dad. He would’ve given me a big hug on a day like this, prob without saying much, and that would’ve been enough.

DH and I are a bit like lodgers rather than spouses at the mo. Nothings wrong as such it’s just a bit meh.

I’m going to go to the doctors to get my vitamin d and b12 levels checked I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
MotherFaffer · 11/01/2020 09:32

He was a good dad. Stubborn and grumpy, liked things done a certain way, yet was also somehow laid back and relaxed too. His grandkids lit up his world, he would love to hear their day to day stories and events. My eldest has mastered a cartwheel and he would’ve been very impressed.

OP posts:
Lordfrontpaw · 11/01/2020 09:35

Do you talk to them about your dad? I do with DS (he never met dad and mum died when he was 2.5 so he has no memories of her).

Original poster
MotherFaffer · 11/01/2020 09:45

Yes quite a bit. They were nearly 4 and 6 when he died so they do remember. Dads football team play today so I’ll keep an eye on the score and cross my fingers they win.

Might just stay in the bath all day. I think DH and the kids will be back soon though.

OP posts:
Lordfrontpaw · 11/01/2020 09:49

Staying in the bath is so boooooring! Drag yourself out and have some fun - your dad would be cross if you wasted a whole day.

C’mon young lady, five mins then you are out of the bath and up and at it.

Lweji · 11/01/2020 09:56

It seems to me that you're mourning your life more than your dad.

You have a husband and children who rely on you and that's who you should focus on. Enjoy them. Celebrate life.
Put your alarm clock on to wake up with the children if you have to. Arrange some one to one time without your husband around to create your your relationship with them.
Create some one to one time with your husband too.

And get out of that bath. Be ready when they get home.

TARSCOUT · 11/01/2020 10:06

It's been 20 minutes, you better be out that bath and.put your big girl pants on and make your dad proud of the strong woman he raised and his lpvely grandchildren. Come on, up and at em, hardly going to get any exercise lying around are you!

Fatted · 11/01/2020 10:16

Jesus, where have your kids and DH been if they are ready, up and out already and will be back soon?! You're not being unreasonable complaining about them being up so early!

It does sound like you're not happy with your life at the moment and your feelings about your dad are bringing it all to the surface. It's not easy when you feel miserable about everything and it's overwhelming to try and change everything at once. It sounds like work isn't great and that's impacting everything else. Perhaps focus your energy on finding something else and then progress from there.

It's hard after Christmas. I enjoyed the break and after a week back at work I feel like all of the joy has been sapped out of me once more! So this weekend has been spent completing job applications.

Magpiesshinynest · 11/01/2020 10:28

Please don’t beat yourself up, give yourself a break Flowers it’s good to let it all out sometimes, have a good cry but remember that you are trying so hard and you’re doing a good job Cake

Magpiesshinynest · 11/01/2020 10:30

Plus don’t stay in bath too long or you’ll be shrivelled up like a raisin

KinseysVW · 11/01/2020 12:26

Make a cake, put candles on it, have a photo of yr dad nearby and you all sing happy birthday to him! You each get a wish too.
Here's to a happier New Year OpFlowers

Original poster
MotherFaffer · 11/01/2020 12:45

They came back with chocolate biscuits and crisps, so that was my breakfast in the bath. Kids jumped in too. I’m still a bit teary but had a looooong chat with DH and feeling a bit brighter.

Your combination of sympathy and encouragement really helped. Thank you Smile

OP posts:
TARSCOUT · 11/01/2020 22:43

Awww that's so.nice to hear Smile

SanAntonio · 12/01/2020 00:04

I’m going to go to the doctors to get my vitamin d and b12 levels checked I think.

Where do you live that you can get that done?

Original poster
MotherFaffer · 12/01/2020 06:42

I’m not in the uk Wink

OP posts:
iheartchristmas92 · 12/01/2020 06:46

are you in Ireland? bless you glad it worked out, and sorry to hear about your dad x

BackwardsGoing · 12/01/2020 06:50

Definitely get blood tests, check for iron too.

And if you drink try cutting right back, it does have a depressive effect the next day.

Hope things get better soon Thanks

Comps83 · 12/01/2020 06:56

Aw I wish I’d seen this yday so I could join the pity party
It would also have been my dm’s bd yday but she died on Thursday
I had my first baby a week before she died
We didn’t have a great relationship due to her drinking and I hadn’t spoken to her in a year and things had gotten pretty nasty . I did manage to see her a few hours before she died and she met the baby
It’s all such a mess and I can’t stop bursting into tears