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Original poster

Im so worried - I have an appraisal tomorrow and I know my manager is going to bring up I'm too quiet.

32 replies

LoseMyself · 07/01/2020 23:10

Ive never had a formal appraisal before so not sure what to even expect.

I have social anxiety and I'm finding it really hard in this job. It's not customer facing or anything but in the office I work in there's only 2 others and I just feel like a spare part. I feel my manager is going to lay into me and I'm going to get a character assassination. Im not sure what to say to her when she tells me I'm far too quiet.

OP posts:
Bodear · 07/01/2020 23:12

Hey OP, I’m sure lots of other people will be along with better advice than I have.
What makes you so sure that is what she’ll say?

Ribenaberriesgowoo82 · 07/01/2020 23:14

An appraisal is not the time to bring up things of concern. Any concerns should be raised in 1 to 1 meetings to give you a chance to develop. However, being too quiet? There are a lot worse things to be!

KnittingSister · 07/01/2020 23:15

Bless you Flowers
If your manager lays into you, she's not a good manager. In fact, your manager should be asking you how it's going, what are you good at and where/ how would you like to improve. Your manager should be supportive and helpful, there's nothing wrong with being quiet, it takes all sorts to make a team. Good luck!

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buggz · 07/01/2020 23:17

Appraisal is there to give manager insight into areas you need support in. Try not to worry, be honest and if she is any sort of manager she will treat you kindly. :)

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 07/01/2020 23:18

Too quiet?? Could you not say you're busy doing your job? Unless they're saying your lack of communication is affecting the work how can they complain?? Surely more reason to complain if you're chatting so much work you're not being efficient!! Like me!!

Isleepinahedgefund · 07/01/2020 23:18

Your appraisal is to assess your performance, identify your successes and areas for development, and any issues you might be having. It is certainly not an excuse for someone to give you a character assassination.

We’re all different. You’re allowed to be “quiet”, and no one can require you to become a bouncy extrovert! I will say though that very extroverted people (like me) generally find it very hard to comprehend that not everyone is, can be or wants to be the same way. So any comments about quietness will probably come from that rather than being a dig at you.

To prepare for your appraisal, review what you’ve been doing over the period covered by the appraisal. Make a short list:

Something you’ve done well
Something you need help with/training on
What you think your objectives should be for the next appraisal period

Basically, take charge of it by being prepared. Good luck!

Amys136 · 07/01/2020 23:19

Do you have regular 1 to 1’s? If this is something you are worried about if you’re manager doesn’t bring it up then you should. Then your manager can help you develop in an area you aren’t confident in

Original poster
LoseMyself · 07/01/2020 23:29

No I don't have regular one to ones with her. This will be the first time we will talk about my performance. She's given me a form to fill out which is basically asking how I feel I'm doing in the job, how I work well as a team, my relationship with colleagues etc.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 07/01/2020 23:31

Why do you think anyone would 'lay in to you'?

Why do you even think someone would say you are too quiet ?

As others have said, this isn't what appraisals are. Why do you think this ?

LoughNeagh · 07/01/2020 23:48

Isleepinahedgefund is right
Prepare for tomoroNOW
Have something supportive to say about each person
Something about the office you admire
Some company policy you describe as forward thinking
Something she has done to help you settle in
And something you would like to be better at doing.
I.E go to bed as soon as you have written your list.
Get up early go to work early, they probably are glad you are a quiet worker, all best wishes.

Ariaty · 08/01/2020 00:43

We’re all different. You’re allowed to be “quiet”, and no one can require you to become a bouncy extrovert! I will say though that very extroverted people (like me) generally find it very hard to comprehend that not everyone is, can be or wants to be the same way. So any comments about quietness will probably come from that rather than being a dig at you.

There are so many positives about being an introvert. In my experience introverts tend to really listen and find it easier to understand team dynamics etc as they tend to sit back a little more and think.

Original poster
LoseMyself · 08/01/2020 08:03

Thanks everyone. I have tried preparing but I just am so worried. I've always had people have a go at me for being quiet since a child and I think that has really messed my thinking up. I feel like a child again like I'm going to get told off for being quiet in the appraisal. I'll let you know how it goes.

OP posts:
Amys136 · 08/01/2020 08:21

Fingers crossed that you find it a supportive positive experience. Let us know how it goes

peridito · 08/01/2020 08:37

As soon as I saw your thread title ,I thought first - thank heavens ,someone who is quiet ! and second - how can you be too quiet ,unless you are in a job like selling or something .

It's so not a sin to be quiet ,someone has to be to make space for all the chatty people .

As said above if your manager takes you to task for being quiet ,then they are not a good manager .

Please don't think less of yourself because you are quiet - we're all different !

I shall be holding godd thoughts for you today and wishing you strength and confidence Flowers

TeenPlusTwenties · 08/01/2020 10:25

The main thing to think about is to what extent, if any, your being quiet impacts on your job.

For example, if it is stopping you asking questions when needed or handing over information, or 'brainstorming' with others to solve problems, then it's an issue.

If it is just social chit chat, then though it would be nice, it shouldn't be a big problem.

However I guess it could be pretty uncomfortable in an office if one person appears to ignore the others the whole time. (If that is indeed the case). In which case maybe taking 'little steps' towards things could help. e.g. say 'good morning'. When happy with that, say 'good morning & comment on weather' etc??

Butterfly005 · 08/01/2020 10:38

If it is raised that you're too quiet, maybe it's a good opportunity to tell your manager why you are - you have social anxiety, and that's not your fault, you may even be happy being quieter.

You may find things easier at work if your manager knows you're struggling with this. I have social anxiety too so I fully sympathise.

Fingerbobs · 08/01/2020 10:48

I hope this went ok today for you. A good boss will recognise that both introverts and extroverts have skills and capabilities they need. I agree that if your quietness isn’t affecting how you do your job, or making other people feel uncomfortable or as if you are deliberately blanking then, it really isn’t an issue that should be being raised in an appraisal.
Have you read Quiet: the power of introverts in world that can’t stop talking? by Susan Cain? Or google her ted talks, several people I know have found them really helpful in being confident about their quietness.

Original poster
LoseMyself · 08/01/2020 12:53

I've has the appraisal. It went a lot better than expected. My work etc is all fine however she said I lack confidence and communication skills and has asked if I can go onto a communication skills in the workplace training course which is held in another city. Just that in itself is making me nervous. A day full of role plays!

OP posts:
ODFOkaren · 08/01/2020 12:57

I’m glad it went well.

Bit just to say, I had the same thing in my last job. My manger thought I lacked confidence etc - but I’m just a miserable cow with no desire to socialise with colleagues unless it’s about work. My work was fine, I told him there was no problem then.

(I sound like a fucking nightmare, I’m not, I promise! I just like to do my job and go).

EoinMcLovesCakeJumper · 08/01/2020 13:53

In an ideal world, unless your quieter working style is actually impacting on your ability to do your job, then it shouldn't be mandatory for you to go on a communication skills course. I do sympathise, as an introvert myself who isn't interested in non-work-related small talk; if your job is getting done to a satisfactory standard your lack of chatter shouldn't be important. However, in the real world, you're part of a very small team and your manager could well be concerned about the general atmosphere in the office if there are two people who are at ease with chat and one who just sits there and doesn't join in. I promise I understand why you are like that but unfortunately it is a lot more difficult to opt out of social pleasantries when there isn't a big team of people to disappear into. It is worth going on the course your manager has suggested and trying to view it not as a punishment for having the wrong kind of personality but more of a training opportunity to improve a skill that you aren't great at - much like if you didn't know how to put together a spreadsheet and you went on an Excel course.

BackforGood · 08/01/2020 15:32

Once again, why are you so pessimistic ?

There is an element of your work that could be better - which is normal and exactly what appraisals are about - remember it has been noted that your work is all fine. So the company have arranged to support you to improve in that area, and immediately you have decided it is going to be the worse case scenario. There is nothing in what you say that would say to me "that's going to be all role play", so why assume the worst ? Why not think "Well, that was much better than I expected, and it's good that the company want to support me in an area I find quite difficult. I hope it's a good / worthwhile day." ?
As Eoin said - if you weren't great at using an IT system, or a word processing system or a book keeping system or whatever technical skill you use in your workplace, wouldn't you expect the company to help you with your skills in that?

LittleLongDog · 08/01/2020 19:17

Once again, why are you so pessimistic ?

There’s a difference between pessimism and anxiety. And while there is some pessimism at play here I’d bet the root here is social anxiety.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 08/01/2020 19:32

Maybe before work book you on the course you could investigate courses that you think might more helpful. They might be willing to pay for you to do something you choose which would also mean you'd get to pick the style of teaching. Just a thought.

Original poster
LoseMyself · 08/01/2020 22:36

Yes I have social anxiety. Unfortunately I have very very low self esteem and self confidence. I've been like this since very young. I don't want to go into details but it stems from childhood. My thoughts are all messed up, the way I see myself, the way I think others see me etc.

OP posts:
londonscalling · 08/01/2020 22:38

Don't over analyse it. I'm sure they would prefer someone who is quiet and gets on with their work than someone who is loud and chatting all the time!