Im so worried - I have an appraisal tomorrow and I know my manager is going to bring up I'm too quiet.

[LoseMyself]

Ive never had a formal appraisal before so not sure what to even expect.

I have social anxiety and I'm finding it really hard in this job. It's not customer facing or anything but in the office I work in there's only 2 others and I just feel like a spare part. I feel my manager is going to lay into me and I'm going to get a character assassination. Im not sure what to say to her when she tells me I'm far too quiet.

Take the class and incorporate which parts of it work for you.

There is real value to introvert employees, even ones with social anxiety like you and me. It helps to find the right kind of job. I like a job that requires great focus and attention to detail. I have occasionally gotten told I need to do better about communicating about progress and deadlines and such and I think that assessment was fair, so I have tried to do better in that regard. There have been a couple of times in my long career where my quietness was called out on a review in a way that I did not think was fair and I fought back on that and for it removed. One example, a reviewer was upset I talked to someone else about an issue instead of talking to him. What actually happened was I went to my official company mentor for advice on how to approach him about a difficult issue, as was strongly recommended during my training period, got the advice, and scheduled the meeting for later that day. then she happened to see him first and casually mentioned the issue and he thought it meant I wasn’t bringing it to him directly. I stood up for myself and I’m glad I did because it improved our working relationship.

OP I just want to share my social anxiety story in case it helps you. I used suffer a lot, especially in my teens and early 20s. I was ok at pretending to enjoy social stuff but the giveaway was my blushing/flushing which was very noticeable. It became a horrible cycle. I managed to actually improve my confidence and social skills after being my DH who pushed me a bit, I read some books and mixed with a much wider variety of people including a lot of very chatty ones and ones who I would have thought of as 'better' than me. I really did improve the skill, but the blushing continued and I still didn't enjoy it. I'm now in my early 30s and have managed to get over the physical symptoms by using propranolol (seriously, it's a godsend) and now I hardly need the drug at all. No more nerves or physical symptoms as I've retrained my subconscious, feel genuinely confident most of the time. I'm still not a social butterfly and definitely an introvert but the phobia and awful feeling has gone now.
The course could be a great for you. Get some propranolol for the nerves if you don't yet take it (I got mine from online private doctor, £18 delivered for a pack of 56 tablets, worth its weight in gold in my opinion). Really do think of it like learning a new piece of software or something, it's a skill that doesn't come naturally but that doesn't mean you have to be stuck feeling like shit forever. Good luck to you.

I don't suffer from social anxiety so I don't want to come across as being too harsh, but I do have an introverted personality and I have struggled in the past with being in a small team where the others were more chatty and I didn't feel equal to joining in. It's the topics of conversation as much as anything else - if they'd been talking about what books they were reading or what they thought of Game of Thrones, I would have been fine, but it was mostly their kids (I don't have any) and reality TV (I don't watch much of it). So in some situations you can only compromise so much and if your colleagues aren't sometimes trying to include you, it can be very tough. Do you feel like they make the effort to do that, or are they expecting all the change to come from you?

BUT I do still believe that "soft skills" like this can be learned just as much as things involving facts and figures. You don't have to set out by assuming that your anxiety will make you fail at everything before you've even done it. Do the course, or find a similar one that you think will suit you better and suggest it to your manager. Tell yourself that everyone else on the course will be there for similar reasons to you, and you won't be the only person who lacks confidence. And remember that your manager is actually being supportive by suggesting this for you - she values your work and wants to keep you on, and this is intended to help you feel happier in the role.

I sympathise, op! My mother used to give me hell if I was quiet in the car for too long and didn't make conversation with her; she also insisted I chat to other people, under threat of Much Shouting later. It basically turned me from the quiet one to the one who gabbles due to the fear of silence. Learning a middle way is possible though - I have learned a few conversational tactics to steer me through.

I think the course sounds like a great idea - if nothing else you'll all be like-minded individuals! You can guarantee that they will all be far too busy focusing on the terribly awkward thing they just said and so anything you might say will be missed altogether. I found a strange comfort in that

Purpleartichoke yes, I find that due to the way that I am every job isn't suitable for me.

I know I shouldnt take it too personally and see it as a positive that my manager wants to help me but it feels like a character flaw- like something so innately is wrong with me, something that young kids know how to do better than me. Not being able to do something well in excel or whatever seems fine. You dont use exccel everyday in your personal life, social skills you do.

chillichutneysarnie One of the things I think Ive struggled with is how do I actually improve. Its been so long, im feeling hopeless, People say just go out there and try new things and expose yourself. But thats the thing- I have been exposed to things, Ive forced myself to social events, to interviews, forced myself to try and speak up, forced myself to go to work etc but I have a massive mental block. I dont know what is wrong with me and where Im going wrong. Exposure to social situations actually makes me feel worse.

ContessaferJones i would rather be the chatty one rambling about ransom things than me!