Politely declining children’s party invitations

[DuchessofWoke]

Yes, I know as an adult I should be able to do this without resorting to fibs and excuses, but how do you politely turn down invitations for parties that your DC don’t want to attend?

One of my DC struggles with parties, can be a bit shy and they find them overwhelming. It totally depends on the event, some parties they happily go to and join in with, others I know straight away they will not enjoy. Church hall parties with entertainers seems to be particularly tricky. Parties with specific activities much easier.

So I’ve starting letting them pick and choose, which seems fair to me. But I’m struggling with knowing how to decline when the real reason is simply that my child doesn’t fancy it.

“Thanks for the invitation, but we can’t make it to X’s party. Hope he/she has a great time!”

You don't have to explain, just a polite thank you but DS can't make it.

I think you have two options.

1. “Oh what a shame, Great Aunt Maud is visiting that day/we’ve already accepted an invitation to another party/we have plans as a family that day”

2. “DC is going through a bit of a phase at the moment of struggling with these kind of settings so I’ll say no this time but thank you!”

Just say ‘sorry we can’t make it, thank you for the invitation.’ Do you mean face to face or via text?

Agree with above.
Host just wants to know numbers for catering purposes so the fact that you have RSVPed is the main thing

Just say thanks for the invitation but DC can’t make it - hope it goes well.
You are overthinking it! Parties are not obligatory
I would have been delighted that you actually responded as half the time nobody told you if they were coming or not and people turned up with siblings etc.

Agree 'I'm sorry, we can't make it' is quite sufficient.

I think if it's the whole class kind of party you just say "sorry we can't make it". Honestly it's no big deal.

Do you think it is sufficient though? I guess I am an over-thinker because on the occasion I’ve had those replies, I’ve always thought: “busy with what, why aren’t you saying?”

We're not able to make it. Thanks for the invitation.

If pressed further - family commitments.

My son has asd and there's definitely some activities we have to skip so I'm used to doing this. If you're still at the age of all class parties, it's probably a relief that you're declining as they're so manic.

I don't care why children aren't coming to parties, I just need to know numbers. I'm not that curious about my children's friends' private lives to be honest!

You don't have to say you are 'busy' - just way you 'can't make it'. Lies are awkward, the truth is easiest, but you don't owe the world an explanation

Thanks all. It’s good to know most people don’t mind if you decline! I’ll be vague then. The last one we declined I got my caught in a long-winded excuse about timings and the party host offered to collect and drop child home - which was very nice but not what we needed at all!

I just need to be firm and vague!

I’ve always thought: “busy with what, why aren’t you saying?”

That's quite...um...odd OP.

You really don’t need to make this difficult. Just say ‘sorry but we can’t make it that day’. 99 times out of 100 no ones going to even question it. If they do there’s no shame and being honest and saying it’s because your dd is going through a shy phase and feels it will be too overwhelming

Yes, probably!

We’ve declined party invites before because the theme is something my DC hates or can’t cope with.

Usually I just say something along the lines of “Sorry we can’t make it, I hope X has a great time”

If the parent is someone I’m more friendly with then I might say something like “Thanks for the invite, but we aren’t coming as DC is struggling with that sort of thing at the minute, I hope X has a great time”

As long as you don't say "we aren't coming because my child hates your child" or "we aren't coming because I think your child is a little so and so" or just plain not replying, everyone will be happy.

If it's a drop and run party but you think your DC would cope better if you stayed you could ask if that's possible.

You're massively overturning this, a polite sorry X isn't able to come to Ys party is all that is needed

Option 2 from @PrimeraVez for me would be the best option. You don’t need to lie.

I think vague is fine. I always get irrationally annoyed when someone rejects a bog standard invitation because they are going to (insert glamorous location) to do (insert glamorous activity) with (insert exciting and interesting people). Makes me feel so irrationally meh, all I really care about is how many party bags I need to sort .

Ovbs overturning should be over thinking

Less is more in these situations. DS(6) got a whole class invitation from a boy he doesn't really get on with at school. He instantly said he didn't want to go which didn't surprise me but he'd never said no to a party before. I just said WhatsApp'd the parent to say thanks for inviting him but I'm sorry he can't come. He replied saying thanks for letting me know. I agree with PP. The organisers just want to know numbers. They don't care why you can't come.

If you feel really guilty, you could still get a small present/card for the birthday child to give when you next see them after the party (eg at school on the Monday if the party had been that weekend), just to acknowledge the invitation. This is not necessary at all but if it makes you feel better/more included in the birthday proceedings without having to attend then it could be an idea.

To use a pp's example, it's very British to be overly polite declining - feeling you have to explain that you've so very sorry but Aunt Maud is visiting.

Americans just say "sorry we have plans". But I agree with you OP, I always wonder "what are the plans?" Are they secret? I recently found out it sometimes means they have planned to sit on the couch and watch TV!