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Original poster

No family help or support at all how do you manage

31 replies

nohelpnorest · 07/01/2020 08:38

Just that really ...
Family who seem to consider us ‘out of sight out of mind’

If I don’t call or text them they wouldn’t contact me. Never offer any help at all yet dsis has all the help in the world so it’s not that it’s their nature across the board it’s just towards us as on paper her situation is much easier than ours yet (being the golden child) she gets all the help.

We’ve had to resort to making sacrifices ourself to be able to ‘buy in’ help for example when I’ve been ill recently we had to get a cleaner temp and some help with childcare but that was a big chunk and meant we had to actually go without a lot
Yet dm is sitting at home ignoring me or out buying presents for dsis and going to help her constantly (alway gushing Thankyous on social media)

It’s that bad I am considering moving not sure how feasible it is but being in the area and bumping into them doesn’t help at all may as well be properly nc

What irks me is that nothing ever actually happened to cause this huge disparity in how we are treated

I think I’m just wondering is anyone else in the same situation. I know I just need to stop thinking about it but it hurts so much

OP posts:
wizzywig · 07/01/2020 08:39

Have you asked for help from them? Has there always been a difference in how you are treated?

Original poster
nohelpnorest · 07/01/2020 08:43

Always a difference. Things from when v young if we were out I wasn’t allowed a drink yet dsis was I had to wait till home I remember being close to tears one summer day and literally fantasising about water

Yes I used to ask for help few years ago and whenever dm agreed dais would suddenly have an ‘emergency’ or be unwell or would say she wanted to meet dm for lunch just anything really and it reached a point where I gave up
But they know where I am they know my situation and they choose to totally ignore the fact me and my dc are alive it seems !

OP posts:
lyingwanker · 07/01/2020 08:44

I've got 4 kids and am a single parent now and I definitely don't have family support or even friend support. I don't have time to make friends that I would trust enough to look after my young children.

I don't work at the moment so it's easier to manage sickness and INSET days etc. However, when I start uni in September I'll just have to be prepared for childcare. I've already arranged a childminder that will do wrap around care and school runs.

I don't really see the problem for you to be honest, especially if you've got a DH? Is it that you're wanting time off together on a weekend? If so, you'll have to arrange childcare or engineer sleepovers at friends houses for your kids

Interested in this thread?

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Families
Original poster
nohelpnorest · 07/01/2020 08:45

I’ve read on here before and it’s definitely the golden child/narcissist parent syndrome
I know I’m better off out of the situation it’s just today I wasn’t feeling great and it was irritating me

OP posts:
Original poster
nohelpnorest · 07/01/2020 08:46

Yes I have a dh but he works long hours and often away with work

As I explained in OP I have been ill that’s why I needed help not to have time together just for no reason or at weekends it was that I needed some actual help but seems my parents can only help one dc-she has a dh who works just part time as dm and df gifted them money

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 07/01/2020 08:48

You sound a bit of a jealous moaning Minnie, to be honest. Much easier to help someone who is cheerful, positive and grateful.

Whilst it might be lovely if they offered there is no automatic right. Have you ever asked? Have you planned nice things together when you don’t need help, to build a relationship?

Otherwise (and because of where we lived) we had no help at all with ours from family. We built our own support from neighbours, friends, colleagues and some paid assistance. Older neighbours became almost surrogate grandparents; we shared weekends away with friends; I joined a babysitting circle. We exchanged school runs with friends and asked favours (but always returned them too).

Original poster
nohelpnorest · 07/01/2020 08:49

I think I need to go over to the stately homes thread maybe as it seems that is the situation

OP posts:
Original poster
nohelpnorest · 07/01/2020 08:50

I did used to ask and was told no and he’s I am jealous it’s very hurtful tbh to be treated so differently for no reason at all

OP posts:
Original poster
nohelpnorest · 07/01/2020 08:50

Yes many times I’ve invited dm here or said I’ll pop to hers for cake etc as has my other sibling and each time dm tells dsis who turns up

OP posts:
Original poster
nohelpnorest · 07/01/2020 08:51

So I gave up 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
JoJoSM2 · 07/01/2020 08:51

Help from family is amazing but you aren’t entitled to it. You and your husband are the parents and need to work out how to look after you own kids. If you can afford it, then getting a cleaner or babysitter is great.

Enterthewolves · 07/01/2020 08:52

I think you are anything but a ‘moaning minnie’ and your mum clearly is playing favourites, it isn’t really about the lack of help is it? It is about the rank favouritism and unfairness. Go NC and get over to stately homes!

Original poster
nohelpnorest · 07/01/2020 08:54

We struggled to do that it made things very very difficult and we then got into arrears with other bills but I was so ill and he couldn’t risk his job and all that time no don’t in my family would help it really upset me on one occasion dsis and dm pretended to be on holiday ..... but then my cousin saw them out shopping they had just lied it really upset me

I know I need to distance myself it’s just today I was feeling crap about it

OP posts:
Grandmi · 07/01/2020 08:56

How do you get on with your sister? Maybe try chatting with her about how left out you feel.

babba2014 · 07/01/2020 09:09

You have had some harsh replies on here. I really feel for you.
We don't have help and we don't live close to my family. At first it was really hard. I struggled but this is why I don't have anymore children as looking after two and having a newborn makes me afraid of not being able to look after them well when I'm ill.
If you love your area, stay there and just ignore them. Live your own life. If you dislike you area then go ahead and move to somewhere nice. It is hard settling in a new area. I've had to do it but the area I moved to wasn't very good.
I understand what you are going through so just focus on high and your children and find a way to make it work as it is. I would get my husband to reduce his hours. It's not worth it when you are not doing well. Reduce bills as much as you can. We love frugally and don't have extra bills. We don't holiday abroad but that's a good choice for the environment anyway. We have things to do locally we really enjoy. I'm not saying you are living out of your means but just have a good look at all your costs and see what you can do to have your husband home more otherwise it's going to be hard wherever you go unless you find a really good support system for yourself which is really hard.

Original poster
nohelpnorest · 07/01/2020 09:17

Yes we recently had a total finances overhaul
Switched a few things about which should help it’s just hard to be struggling and yes absolutely I do feel jealous no point denying that at all it’s an emotion I need to admit it and work through it
Nc helps but days like today I just feel fed up

OP posts:
ChilliandLemon · 07/01/2020 09:25

I think you’re getting some harsh replies as this is clearly not just about not getting help. This is about the clear favouritism your ‘D’M has shown your sister your entire life and continues to do so.

simplekindoflife · 07/01/2020 09:26

Your dm and dsis sound bloody horrible. You deserve so much better.

I know the popular opinion now is that your family owe you nothing, you are here in this world alone and any help you do get is a bonus and you should be bloody grateful for any token nugget.

While I agree to that to an extent, I can't help thinking it's such a shame that we don't help people out as much anymore. My Nan always said that everyone mucked in years ago. Family, friends, neighbours - everyone would pull together to help support each other. It doesn't happen much now.

The poor OP has been ill and she is really struggling... what kind of mother would let the child and gc suffer like that without wanting to help?! I just don't get it.

My DC are still very young but I can't imagine letting them struggle and suffer in life while I sit back drinking tea or pottering around the shops?! It's bizarre to me. I would always help my family and friends out.

I think a few cheeky fuckers have ruined it for the rest of us and the whole subject of 'helping' has become taboo, unfortunately.

I would seriously be thinking about going no contact with these selfish women OP. they are just making you feel 10 times worse. But I would have it out with them once and for all before I did that on the off chance that your mum though might actually see the light... but I wouldn't hold out much hope I'm afraid. Thanks

Original poster
nohelpnorest · 07/01/2020 09:34

Yes nc is something to maintain

I’m just moaning tbh it’s a rubbish situation

OP posts:
Besidesthepoint · 07/01/2020 09:42

I find low contact easier than no contact. No contact makes it more difficult to go to funerals of aubts and uncles and weddings of cousins. I'm also not the favourite child, neither is DH. You have two issues at the moment: childcare, which it seems you can pay for but that does leave you struggeling a bit. That's ok, children get older, it will get easier with time. As for your family I recommend a few therapy sessions. It helps to keep your head clear. Their decisions have nothing to do with you. Are you a very sensible self sufficient person? Because in our families it's the people that need validating and attention that are the favourite children. You can't change the dynamic though, you can only change how you react to it.

FredaFrogspawn · 07/01/2020 09:47

It sounds from what you say as if it is very unfair. You have a right to feel sad about it. On a practical level there’s not much you can do - do your in-laws help?

formerbabe · 07/01/2020 09:50

Things from when v young if we were out I wasn’t allowed a drink yet dsis was I had to wait till home I remember being close to tears one summer day and literally fantasising about water

This is abuse.

Original poster
nohelpnorest · 07/01/2020 09:51

No help from in laws either
I think I just have to look forward to the days when dc are older and thong are easier it just feels like there are a million miles difference in how im treated and it does hurt but I need to try to put it aside and wish away the years till things are naturally easier

OP posts:
Original poster
nohelpnorest · 07/01/2020 09:51

Things
Thong 🤣

OP posts:
SquashedFlyBiscuit · 07/01/2020 09:52

We're ina similar position with my dad. He cheerfully helps new wifes grown up children and spends time with them and puts up ikea flatpack etc. I just dont rhink we "fit" his world (were notnhigh earning professionals, have a small scruffy house due to lower income etc) and he doesnt have any instintctive parental instinct to ever want to help us improve our lot or just spend time with us or take the kids out for the day or buy them an ice cream or a treat.

Other people like him and he's nice to eb around, he just doesnt seem to like us.

I know this but theres stilla childlike bit insode that thinks its so unfair and is truly hurt Every Single Time I realise this, or see him helping new wifes childre (which of course he should do, and wouldnt want him not to do - jusg the difference is stark.)

I think its really hard to come to terms wih not being wanted particularly or cared for as a family member and realising youre innit alone. I can know it in my head but it hurts, and it does seem unfair when you can see how didferentnit would be. Its hard not to internalise (or to remove it once internalised) the feeling of not being worth it.