Do you have friends?

[Horcrux]

Particularly if you have a husband and children?
I have a few friends that I do sport with, who I have met through the sport. We don’t socialise at any other time and meet up maybe once a month together. My dh has no friends, he used to have loads when we met but since the dc have been born he’s not been interested in keeping up friendships.
We have a few ‘parent’ friends who we meet up with occasionally on weekends/holidays for walks/activities with the kids.

He seems to think that I shouldn’t be spending weekends with the non parent friends at all, even if it’s only once a month because this time is family time. If I want to meet up with friends then I should do it in the evenings.

I don’t think this is right.

What is your dynamic?

The majority of my friends are people I met through AA (some of which I'm very close to), and through my local Jewish community, which I'm active in. I only have a small handful of true friends elsewhere. I'm quite pleased to see that this isn't remotely unusual! Although I find that having masses of 'friends' seems to lose importance with age/life experience.

I have one or two friends but I use the term loosely as one is unreliable and the other I couldn't call on her if I was in trouble or upset etc
I used to have a lot of friends, not sure what happened. 2 of my closest friends both died, I used to make friends at work but when one of us left the job the friendship would fizzle out.
To make a good friend now at my age would be a miracle

I think it's really sad the no of people on here who consider themselves to have no friends.

I'm married with 3 children, and I see my friends weekends, daytime or evenings as determined by the friends and activity.

As your partner is away half the time, I can understand him wanting to prioritise family time when he's home, but he shouldn't be trying to control you and he should understand its your only chance for some time off

@Soffy I could have written your post it sounds so like me! Like you I really don't like the group thing and have had some bad experiences in the past. In all honesty I think I'm a bit of a people pleaser that throws myself into friendships with a childlike enthusiasm and when it's not reciprocated I feel hurt, I've recently taken a step back from it all and realised I don't need loads of mates to make me happy, a couple of kind friends will do for now. I've decided to concentrate on making me happy from now on and concentrate all that energy, I used to pour into those friendships, into hobbies and studying new things I've always wanted to learn about. Also I do not look at social media (well apart from this!).

@Soffy you didn’t hijack, it was really interesting what you wrote and a-lot resonates with me.

That's the thing @SleepingStandingUp, he doesn’t understand the need for friends as he hasn’t had any for so long and feels that they turned their back on him when he was injured, so he doesn’t understand the importance to me.

I'd be completely lost without my friends, they are a huge part of my life. We've seen each other through ups and downs and the good times. I will never be without them.

I do think it’s important to have friends, it can be very isolating if you don’t mix with people outside your own circle and, to be blunt, your children will grow up and leave home and eventually either you or your DH will die.

I have a wide circle of friends, some from primary school (I am over 60), people I’ve met through work, hobbies, church, neighbours, school gate etc. We’ve moved a lot so it is important to me to get to know people and be involved in the local community. I am fortunate in that I am confident about joining new activities & volunteering which is a great way to meet new friends.

I do, sadly, in my volunteering role, meet quite a few people who don’t seem to have any friends, that’s fine if you are genuinely happy in your own company but I do meet a lot of lonely and unhappy older people. Numerous studies show that having a network of friends and acquaintances leads to a happier old age.

I feel my circle has constantly changed. I don't have contact with anyone from my school days now. I left school and began working at 16. I at that point had 2 still from school. Through the 9 years I worked I sort of felt the girls at work were my friends. A couple of them I'd hang about with out of work. I also met someone in my late teens who I hung about with. Plus I had another friend I'd known all my life I saw regularly.

Now I have children I feel fairly alone. My long term friend had a horrible controlling aggressive partner. She has slowly cut of all her old friends. I've left her too it! I don't see my other friend of ten years much because as mums we don't click. She is so irritating now she's a parent. She so focused on herself.

I currently have one mum friend who I have know from be years. We do the schools runs together and meet up with the kids. We met when our children were one. I message a mum from the school gates loads too and we plan to meet up more often when winter buggers off.

My partner had a social group before we met. He did martial arts weekly. He knew slot of people from uni and his old job.

Now he's with me and hes moved to my town he catches up at weddings. Twice a year he sees his uni friends. He now works with one of his friends too. He doesn't go meeting up with them much now.

I suppose it depends on your hobbies and interests? I have kind of made myself abit alone as I'm a sahm and I don't like commiting to Things as much now. When people say shall we meet next Wednesday I often say yes I'm free. Then it comes around and my kids are tired, moody, have colds, my periods heavy. My house is too messy to have people around.

Before kids I loved going out.

@dancingbadger. I've been thinking of doing the same. I am going to get fit , lose weight and learn to use my sewing machine before.

DH and I have decided to have firmer boundaries with one couple of friends in particular who seem to think we are their weekend creche! Lovely people in the context of going for drinks etc , but definitely take advantage.

I think the other issue for many is time. I work fill time , my colleagues are nice but not people I would socialise with out of work (it's a very small team) .

Friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies.

By that criterion, I have one real friend. I don't work in a sociable industry, I don't drink, I can't work out banter or read faces very well. But I have such a big family that I'm never short of company, online or in person.

@dancingbadger. I totally understand the 'childlike enthusiasm' analogy. I'm totally aware that I do that. I help people out , listen to problems and try to 'be there' for them but its rarely reciprocated and then i get upset. Or I really throw myself into a friendship, and then they turn out to have some weird view on something or they make a nasty remark and it puts me off.it amazes me how nasty some people can be. I am learning with age that my enthusiasm will be taken advantage of, and my willingness to help should be kept for those who are genuine friends. And what's more, people should only be classed as a 'friend' rather than an acquaintance once I feel they are up to it. I basically need to have higher standards and not rush. It's a bit like dating, I'm the one planning the wedding on the first date!

To be fair , I went to lots of schools, moved alot and had a fairly dysfunctional family life. My parents had few friends and as lovely as my mum is, she is also very negative and quick to point out people's shortcomings. I had no idea staying in touch was a 'Thing' until I was in my mid 20s as I had never done it as a child. My children have such a different life ,they have had the same group of friends since they were 4.

@Soffy yes I absolutely do that too, I've had a lot of friends confide some quite major things to me, so I assume they must consider me a good friend, and yet when I go through a tough time there's nothing not even a text to check I'm alright. I've just decided to care less about it all and not to immediately offer my time/ services etc anymore. It's sad really because life has taught me to be less kind and considerate to protect myself from being hurt. But actually I do feel much happier now generally, the friends I make any effort with now are very kind and genuine x

So glad it's not just me! I'm going to take a leaf out of your book and think before I offer help etc.