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Do you have friends?

64 replies

Horcrux · 04/01/2020 12:25

Particularly if you have a husband and children?
I have a few friends that I do sport with, who I have met through the sport. We don’t socialise at any other time and meet up maybe once a month together. My dh has no friends, he used to have loads when we met but since the dc have been born he’s not been interested in keeping up friendships.
We have a few ‘parent’ friends who we meet up with occasionally on weekends/holidays for walks/activities with the kids.

He seems to think that I shouldn’t be spending weekends with the non parent friends at all, even if it’s only once a month because this time is family time. If I want to meet up with friends then I should do it in the evenings.

I don’t think this is right.

What is your dynamic?

OP posts:
Rafflesway · 04/01/2020 14:36

Not really!

I have 2 friends but one lives in London - 300 miles from me - and the other is my former neighbour from years ago who now lives almost an hour's drive away. We text/WhatsApp/phone most weeks - 2 friends don't know each other - but haven't actually seen friend in London for over 10 years.

We have a now adult dd with severe learning difficulties who, despite now living in her own apartment in a supported living centre, takes up most of our spare time plus DH and I have never been ones for loads of friends anyway so suits us fine.

northernknickers · 04/01/2020 14:39

I have only recently started to have good friends again as an adult. I used to, then it kind of stopped for years when I was married (don't really know why, it definitely wasn't anything to do with my then DH...he was a knob but not that kind of a knob 😂. I think it was more that I just didn't have time with work, children and family etc). I still 'had' my old friends on SM, but never saw them socially and we just drifted. To be fair, none of us made the effort, it wasn't just me.

20 years later, divorced and several house/job moves, and I've finally got friends again and it's fabulous!! Until now I hadn't realised quite how lonely I'd been without them and just how much fun it is having people I can just call up to chat crap about, or organise an afternoon out or Sunday walk.

It's not 'weird' that you don't have friends. Just sad that you miss out on what you can gain from such great friendships. And yes, I know that many couples get much of this from each other, which is as it should be, but there's something pretty special about friendships (as opposed to intimate sexual relationships) too.

Mlou32 · 04/01/2020 15:02

I think whatever an individual is happy with is 'right'. I'm not really one for friends. I'm fairly outgoing and friendly and people do seem to warm to me quickly, however I just can't be bothered with friendships really. I mean I do have friends who I will always be friends with and who I keep in touch with by the odd text, in fact both my best friend and I are exactly the same - been best friends since we started secondary school, would do anything for each other, would always be there without question in difficult times however only text every 3-4 months to arrange lunch/coffee. My other friends I catch up with occasionally however I can't really be bothered with the always meeting up, texting all the time malarkey. I just want left in peace! However I understand that everyone is different.

I think your husband is being a bit unreasonable though in dictating when you can and can't see people. That is a whole other issue!

MiddleClassProblem · 04/01/2020 15:09

Does your husband have time when he’s away where he hangs with colleagues/friends? I had a similar job and when of duty we would socialise and chat, play cards, play station etc.

That’s time with adults on his own that you wouldn’t get.

PaprikaPringle · 04/01/2020 15:16

I find MN’s attitude quite odd sometimes, almost a competitive “I don’t have any friends” feeling on threads like this

But people could say you, Shirley, are being competitive by listing all your friendship groups.

Snog · 04/01/2020 15:17

Friends are important to me.
I wouldn't accept any rule from DH that I couldn't see my friends at the weekends as that is very controlling.

I think at least one morning or afternoon or evening each weekend as 1:1 time with a friend should be no issue at all.

dancingbadger · 04/01/2020 15:38

Yes I do although I would say my dh and my dm are my 'best' friends whom I confide and trust in.
I do enjoy seeing friends one on one but I'm not a big fan of the whole girly group (which still seems to exist in my 40s!) dynamic it always seems to get weird and bitchy.

Elieza · 04/01/2020 15:46

Why can’t you see your friends whenever you want, what’s his actual problem?

Is he jealous coz he had shit friends and yours are nicer?

Is it just a problem when he is home, ie you should be all enjoying the limited time with him as a family together. Which I can understand if he’s away a lot.

Or is it that he doesn’t trust you with these people (when he’s away) who have no children in case they lure you to the dark side and you never want to see him or dc again ....

misspiggy19 · 04/01/2020 15:54

Yes, I have friends. I would hate to be completely dependent on only one person for all company, support etc. My friends are very important to me.

^This

Horcrux · 04/01/2020 16:02

@Elieza it’s the 2nd one. He feels that he has so little time with us with him working away and the kids/me being in school full time during the week that when he’s home we should be spending the time together on the weekends and I should arrange to see friends in the evenings instead. Which is fine, but it’s cold and dark and restricts what we can do.

I can understand were he’s coming from, but when he’s home he has 3 full weeks whilst me and dc are in school to go do what he wants... gym or dog walk normally.

OP posts:
everythingisginandroses · 04/01/2020 16:06

Not any more. Too many moves around the country, I'm not on any social media, after my shift work all I want to do is get on the train home. I haven't been good at keeping up with people, and they haven't been good at keeping up with me.

Horcrux · 04/01/2020 16:08

I do worry about when the dc are older and how we will spend our time, I don’t want it to be just him and me, but this doesn’t bother him.

I used to be really sociable, friends round often, meet ups for walks and stuff. But it’s changed a lot since having dc 10yrs ago.
We never have people round nowadays, I meet up mostly with people when dh isn’t here as he always has something negative to say about anyone I ever meet.

He gets annoyed with other people’s kids or other adults mannerisms. He has no patience and doesn’t like waiting for people if we’re out on a walk for example. He says he just wants to go for a walk, why do other people need to come. He’s definitely introverted and I understand that he’s not interested in having friends, but I do.

OP posts:
mildlymiffed · 04/01/2020 16:20

I'm a bit of a social butterfly so have a lot of friends, made up of mum friends, and old work colleagues, couple of running mates. I don't see all of them all of the time, but can usually find someone to spend an evening with, or be invited round.

I suppose when I am in a relationship I'm less attentive. I think that is relatively normal. But not no contact with any of them! Try and do lunches as I work in a town. I am a single parent so sometimes need friends for adult company! So yes, important to me- but couldn't be living in one or two friends pockets.

JigsawsAreInPieces · 04/01/2020 16:55

Last year I joined a craft club that a neighbour started. Through that I've got a circle of good friends, some a little closer emotionally than others, but still good friends and it's drawn our partners into the circle too and we now have a very active social life.

Crystal87 · 04/01/2020 17:02

I think it's easy to get wrapped up in family life when you have young kids and friendships can suffer. I used to be really sociable when I was working but since being a stay at home parent I'm not. I do have a few friendships with other parents but they feel forced and circumstantial. And I have older friendships pre- kids but they have faded as I don't get to meet up as much. I would like to make more friends but I would struggle to find the time if I'm being completely honest.

MsMellivora · 04/01/2020 17:10

Sounds like he doesn’t want you to have friends and that’s the issue. Some people want and need friends, some are happier being quite solitary. And for some they want them but don’t and are lonely. However it’s what you want that counts.

If he is an introvert that’s fine but you can pop out and enjoy not being an introvert. If he doesn’t want to mix is that ok with you? My ex was like that and it didn’t suit me and it’s why he is an ex. But he moaned and was a right mardy bastard.

When dc come along of course there is less time to socialise and certainly spur of the moment stuff is really hard but some sort of social life is great. We have had people round twice over the holiday period. A rather drunken NYE party and tonight a small board games, buffet and beer get together. I love DH but I would never want to do stuff with just him.

ShirleyPhallus · 04/01/2020 17:21

But people could say you, Shirley, are being competitive by listing all your friendship groups.

I’m not being competitive Confused, the thread is about friendships and I’m demonstrating the types of friends I or anyone could have. I find it quite odd when people don’t have any friends that they’ve never held on to friends from any of those groups.

As a separate point, I wonder if these people who don’t have friends now and rely heavily on partners or children ever think ahead to being elderly and what social life or support they’d have if a partner passed away or children moved away.

Horcrux · 04/01/2020 17:35

I would love to just invite people round like that @MsMellivora, but dh wouldn’t be keen with the friends I have made locally. We moved 5yrs ago and I’ve made a few mum friends but he’s just not interested in getting to know them, always has something negative to say about everyone.
Vice versa with going to other people’s houses, we’ve been invited in the past and he’s happy for me to go but never wants to come too.
He’s just not interested in having friends.

OP posts:
FuckingHateRats · 04/01/2020 17:40

My DH is very like this - works a lot and then spends his evening and weekends with us. Does not really invest time or energy into his friendship groups.

I am totally opposite - I spend a lot of time investing in my pals. Will do something with someone at least once a week.

He is sometimes a bit put out because it means the childcare falls to him, but it's his choice not to take me to on a reciprocal offer. He does respect that we come from viewpoints though and thinks it's great I get so much from my relationships with my friends.

northernknickers · 04/01/2020 17:43

@ShirleyPhallus I think that’s kind of what happened to me...I got older (well, mid-50s) and realised that what had kept me busy for years had gone. So, I deliberately made an effort to make and cultivate new friends...and trust me, it’s not that easy as a single, older, woman with a full time job. I’m so very glad that I did though...it’s really enhanced my life.

Elieza · 04/01/2020 17:49

If he doesn’t want friends that’s fine as long as he doesn’t inflict his thoughts on the subject on you. If it was me I’d try and see my friends more when he wasnt about. But I would still see them when he was sometimes.

What kind of age are you? What’s he going to do once he’s retired? Sit around the house all day complaining that you’re always out and he’s bored?

Soffy · 04/01/2020 21:35

Yes, but not enough. I have 2 old friends that I meet up with every few months. My longest friendship is 20 years and I'm 46. I do feel a bit sad that I dont have school or university friends. I also have about 10 local friends made since having the DCs but they're joined friends with DH and generally I would say they're not that close.

I have to say I do find alot of people are not that nice though.Blush Maybe I'm at fault for being too choosy, I dont know. But I have learnt to avoid groups as I seem to have worse experiences then.

We were part of one group when the DCs were young and TBH it just always felt very competitive. All they talked about was schools and house extensions. Hmm we decided to give them a bit of a wide berth but it doesnt stop it stinging when I see their NYE party photos all over SM. Even moreso given one of the reasons we stepped back was the constant bitching going on. I sometimes wonder if I cut my nose off to spite my face, but I really struggle with the fakeness of friendship which seems to be necessary in all but the closest of friendships.

I'm really doubting my self at the moment as I also had a bit of a bad time with a group of mums at the DCs school. They used to go for weekly coffee and as I'm not working on that day, so I was invited a few times. Then suddenly the invites stopped and it all felt a bit awkward. Then I bumped into them all sat together in a local restaurant, but I honestly thought nothing of it but I could tell by all the glances that they felt weird about it. I have no idea what I did wrong and that's the worse bit. I often just seem to get it wrong in social situations but I dont know how to fix it. Sad

I generally dont stay in touch with ex colleagues , and I find it very hard to socialise in big groups but I have also learnt that the intensity of one to one meet ups is sometimes too much.

I have a friend who is extremely popular and has friends all over the place. We both turned 40 in the same week and I was so embarrassed when I compared my celebrations to hers. She had a huge party with about 100 people who travelled far and wide and cards all over her house. I had 5 cards (3 were from family ) and even if I had wanted a party, it would have been embarrassingly small. I dont enjoy parties anyway so not the end of the world. But even my 'best' friend made very little effort for my 40th despite the fact I organised a night out to a lovely restaurant for hers.

I find people often take advantage of me. I like to think I'm kind ,I dont bitch and I'm always happy to help. But I have lost count of the number of playdates or sleepovers I've hosted and never been reciprocated. The same for having people over for dinner. Dh and I will cook lovely meals ,provide wine etc and often there is no return invite. I always return favours, but it feels like most folks think take, take, take.

The bottom line is I am the common denominator. I don't know what I do to put people off but I just do. I hear people talk about their uni friends or how they went away somewhere, what a great pal someone is or see them meeting up in groups after the school run and I feel like there's this invisible wall that I can't climb over. I would love several nice friends who would text me,pop by for coffee and wouldn't end up using me or bitching or just being weird in some way ,but it just doesn't happen. One of my new years resolutions is to try and sort it out and be more sociable. But along with that I feel I need to accept I have introverted tendencies and enjoy my own company.

Soffy · 04/01/2020 21:38

Sorry. Didn't mean to hijack. Blush

user1493413286 · 04/01/2020 21:44

I think friends outside your relationship are crucial and that’s whether you have kids or not. I only have a small number of friends but very close with them

Ohyesiam · 04/01/2020 21:46

Totally amazed at the number of people on here with no friends. I didn’t know that was a thing. I’m introverted, I’m that I recharge my batteries by being solitary, but id be stumped without my friends.