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Original poster

Quick help needed with Ds - I don’t know what to do?

27 replies

Ninjakittysmellz · 03/01/2020 20:59

Ds is 8 and has been sleeping in my bed since a bad break up last year (he saw me being hit) he has massive anxiety being on his own incase something happens to me and we have tried to get him back in his own bed, but ultimately not very hard and he just sleeps in with me.

He has reached peak end of Christmas holidays and was a bit stir crazy at bedtime. I asked him to put down his iPad and he sort of threw it across the sofa which hit me - though this was not his intention. We were both shocked and I shouted at him and marched him into his own bedroom and said boys who hurt their mums don’t get to sleep in their beds (I’m paraphrasing - it sounds weird written down)

I went back in after about 15 mins of him shouting through that he was sorry and crying and said that his behaviour was not okay, that he had upset me and I was shocked that he would hurt me. He was very upset and said he was sorry and he loved me. I put his night light on and tucked him in, and am now sitting in my room listening to him crying.

What do I do? Do I bring him into my bed? I don’t feel I can back down but the bed situation is so full of anxiety and back history that I don’t want to drag it into him being naughty. He’s usually really well behaved and is obviously mortified by what he did - I don’t know what to do and I’m sat here feeling horrendous, as is he. I know I’ve not handled it well, but it happened so quickly and I just reacted.

Help?

OP posts:

JulietTango · 03/01/2020 21:02

Can you go back downstairs for a cuddle and a drink then start bedtime again so he can go into your bed without looking like you've backed down

Jacalouse · 03/01/2020 21:03

I would go back in to him.

Original poster

Ninjakittysmellz · 03/01/2020 21:04

Thank you both - going now, massively relieved by your replies so I think that tells me my gut feeling is to go to him! Thank you

OP posts:

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Bitofnamechanging · 03/01/2020 21:05

I agree. Bring him down. He's likely feeling awful about hurting you and upset about "being pushed away" . Not that you are pushing him away in reality but he probably is feeling shunned. Give him a cuddle and see if you can get him in his bed. Can you sit with him till he sleeps?

Capricornandproud · 03/01/2020 21:06

How is he OP? I would go back into him and bring him back down. Start bedtime again. Nothing’s worth having him so upset and worried xx

AudTheDeepMinded · 03/01/2020 21:06

I would go to him and stay with him until he sleeps. It might be a way of starting a new chapter at bedtime, a silver lining?

TrainspottingWelsh · 03/01/2020 21:06

I'd go in and tell him he can get in with you, but let it serve as a warning. As though I was purposely trying to show him how hurtful his behaviour was, and how it made me feel. Then if you think another punishment is still needed tell him what it will be. Of course a none bedtime related one.

hidinginthenightgarden · 03/01/2020 21:07

Definitley go back to him. It isn't going to help that the first time he has been in his own bed, he cried himself to sleep. You want him to have positive associations with his room.
Hugs for you! Parenting is hard!

Turquiose · 03/01/2020 21:10

Let him sleep in yours tonight or else he'll feel it's punishment not to. Maybe start a star chart on another day to see if he can be a big boy sleeping in his own bed? Don't feel bad about it. Prob just the shock of what he did made you react that way esp as he's usually so placid.

CrazylazyJane · 03/01/2020 21:11

I think you can salvage the situation by going in to him and reiterating that he hurt you. However, you can see that he is sorry and didn't do it on purpose. If he can promise that he'll not hurt you again, he can come back in to your bed.

HotPenguin · 03/01/2020 21:12

I agree, I think you should crack the sleeping in his own bed when things are calm and he is happy. Don't let is be seen as a "punishment".

Hollyhead · 03/01/2020 21:14

I would go back and get in with him - it’s a halfway house rather than him going back in with you.

milliefiori · 03/01/2020 21:16

OP, I really wouldn't back down on where he sleeps. he needs to know very clearly taht you mean what you say with regards to tolerating violence. Go in as often as you like to comfort and settle him. But say unfortunately he can't sleep in your bed tonight because of his behaviour. Tell him you are sad too and you are not cross any more but that his attack really shocked you and neither of you cna ignore it.

Mixed messages about your tolerance and forgiveness of violent behaviour won't be helpful to him long term.

ConfidingFish · 03/01/2020 21:16

Hopefully you have brought him downstairs, had a massive cuddle and he sleeps in your bed again tonight. You can deal with cracking that at a different time, not tonight.

There is a huge difference between an adult deliberately trying to hurt someone and a child who did it by accident.

Frouby · 03/01/2020 21:22

He's just stroppily launched the ipad across the sofa, he didn't mean to hit you with it. A more appropriate punishment would be limited or no screen time tomorrow.

Go get him, explain you have now thought it through and would like him to come to bed as normal, but tomorrow the consequences are that he doesn't get as much time in the ipad.

The maybe sunday discuss with him the sleeping arrangements. Maybe trade (initially) sleeping with you for time on his ipad in bed for half an hour, then half an hour reading or resting, the lights out and sleep time. Or whatever works for you.

newnamewhosthis · 03/01/2020 21:30

I wouldn't start putting him in his own bed as punishment. I would take him in with you tonight and start again with a clean slate tomorrow.

If you put him to bed tonight on his own he will think being in his own bed is punishment for flinging the tablet

Original poster

Ninjakittysmellz · 03/01/2020 21:34

Thank you all, he’s beside me now in bed and I’m so grateful for all your words - getting him was the right thing.

I took him downstairs and explained I got a shock and I know he didn’t mean to hurt me and that sometimes adults make mistakes and I should have listened to his explanation. He was incredibly sorry, and is devastated he hurt me - he kept saying it was all his fault and he is sorry. Ive said he knows he isn’t allowed to throw his iPad and so he can’t have it tomorrow, but he doesn’t have to sleep in his bed until he is ready...... and I’ll tackle that another day!

God I feel like I’ve aged 50 years just in the last hour. That was horrible - thank you for helping me salvage it

OP posts:

WhyNotMe40 · 03/01/2020 21:38

I think you've modelled perfect behaviour to him - that sometimes how we react in the heat of the moment is not always right, and that it's important to apologise and make amends.
Beautifully done OP

Selfsettling3 · 03/01/2020 21:41

Glad you have this sorted. Has he had any counselling not help him deal with the abuse?

Original poster

Ninjakittysmellz · 03/01/2020 21:56

Thank you @WhyNotMe40, it doesn’t feel beautifully done but I’m grateful for your kind words about it.

He has spoken to the school nurse about it selfsettling3 but it was felt at the time (by his teacher and the nurse) that by talking about it too much was giving it more power over him - there was only that 1 incident, which has obviously been incredibly traumatic for him, but it sort of ticked along in the background until something like today happens and you realise how big a feature it still is in your life.

I’m torn between letting him stay in my bed till he’s ready - and trying to help him move back into his, because by letting him stay in sort of reinforcing that he needs to? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know how to best move forward any more - I’m totally winging this

OP posts:

WhyNotMe40 · 03/01/2020 22:00

Seems to me he needs you op. Why not let him lead on this

Peridot1 · 03/01/2020 22:01

My DS slept in with me until he was 9 or 10. No issues, just didn’t like being on his own. He very gradually moved himself into his own bed again. I did have some comments from people but ignored them pretty much.

WhyNotMe40 · 03/01/2020 22:01

Also it's only western cultures where kids under puberty are expected to sleep apart from their parents. In most other cultures he would be in with you anyway

AlbusSeverusMalfoy · 03/01/2020 22:03

Let him stay with you he's still young. But with getting him in his bed you could do as pp suggested and talk to him about trying to spend so time in his bed. So at bed time, he goes to his bed and you stay for a bit and have a cuddle. Then leave when he's asleep but if he wakes in the night he can come to you. He could be trying to protect you in the night and keep you safe just as much as you do with him.

Louise91417 · 03/01/2020 22:10

Seems you have a wonderful little boy, the end game is obviously to have him sleeping in his own bed but sometimes we have to bend the rules. You both have been through a lot, sod the rule book.

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